


darling, we could watch the world burn (if only you would take my hand)

by multifanwho



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, F/F, Fluff, I'll tag them when they crop up otherwise spoilers, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, literally all of the slow burn tropes, looking after a baby idk how to tag that, wingman ryan, yeah i'm gonna end up not tagging any of them HAVE FUN GUESSING, you might hate it but I'm having fun writing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-10-31 03:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 52,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17841614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifanwho/pseuds/multifanwho
Summary: Yaz knew the Doctor would be taking her on a wondrous journey across time and space, but she didn't expect to gradually develop feelings for the time lord until she found herself falling too fast for her to handle.





	1. Chapter 1

The day she met her was a whirlwind. She had asked for something more challenging and the universe sure as hell gave it to her. She’s not sure where her new friend went for the week before Grace’s funeral, but she knows she was worried about her. She was a bit weird but Yaz would never be the person to judge someone based off only twenty-four hours with them. She only called herself ‘Doctor’ or ‘the Doctor’. Just that, nothing more. She was an alien, apparently, but she looked human enough. Yaz didn’t really warm to her at first on the train. Defensive, cautious, not willing to put the lives of some citizens in the hands of a strange woman probably suffering from concussion.

The four of them had been on a couple adventures together by now. All involuntarily. After the funeral, the Doctor ended up teleporting them into space and Yaz thanked the literal stars that surrounded her that when she awoke on the ship she was with the Doctor. Bless Ryan and Graham but she wouldn’t have felt confident that they knew enough to get all of them home safe. She had seen the Doctor in action and she knew about science and maths and engineering and anything else that may be needed for survival. She was so brilliant. Yaz desperately wanted to be her friend, not just a girl she was forced to help get back home.

The opportunities the Doctor was accidentally giving her were outstanding. Currently, she’s watching Rosa Parks get taken off the bus. She never thought that she would make history, let alone help the progression of history that had already happened. Ryan said he’d met Martin Luther King earlier and any other day she would have dismissed it as an elaborate lie to try and impress her.

The Doctor gave them a little speech about how Rosa Parks got on after that day and showed them the asteroid named after her. It wasn’t hard to get absolutely enthralled with her words. It was like every line she spoke was a performance piece. She wishes her teachers at school had put that much effort into their lessons.

“Right. Let me just do some impressive programming and you should be home in no time. Won’t be a sec.” The Doctor announces to the room.

Yaz makes her way over to stand next to Ryan and watch the Doctor do her thing from afar. She would describe it as impressive but she didn’t want to boost the Doctor’s ego.

“I don’t really want to go home.” Ryan speaks quietly so that Graham nor the Doctor could hear but loud enough so he could confide in his friend.

“Me either.” Yaz folds her arms across her chest. “She could show us so much more cool stuff. Like, anywhere in space and time. Anywhere Ryan!”

“You’re the one that keeps talking about seeing your family.” Ryan tries to accuse her of being the reason they can’t travel anymore.

“Yeah, I want to see them, not go back to live with them forever, not now that I know what’s out there and that it’s possible to go and see it.” Yaz defends her choices of words over the past few days.

“You need to find a way to get her to keep us around then.”

“I might be old but I’m not deaf.” Graham joins the conversation, standing on the other side of Ryan. “I don’t wanna go back either. We need a plan.”

“We barely know the woman; how do we convince her to keep us on?” Ryan thinks out loud.

They all stand there thinking. How _were_ they going to let her to take them on? She’s too smart to be manipulated and they didn’t have the time to try that anyway. They know she’s lonely, or at least very alone. Maybe they should just straight up ask to keep travelling with her.

“Who do you think she trusts most out of all of us?” Yaz asks.

“Dunno.” Ryan shrugs.

“Yaz, you’re a woman.” Graham says.

“Nice observation Graham.” Yaz says after he doesn’t continue with his line of thought.

“No, what I mean is she’s a woman too. You could have a chat with her, women sticking together and stuff.”

“Yeah I’ll just have a lovely simple chat with her when we’re falling all over the floor of the time machine.” Yaz says, knowing they could be taking off at any second.

“We’re not falling now, go and talk to her!” Ryan pushes her forward before she can say anything, like how terrible of a plan this is.

Yaz gives Ryan an evil look, like they were on the school playground again, before she turns back around and heads towards the Doctor. She’s been put on the spot and only has a very short walk to muster up all of her social skills to be able to handle this. She has no clue as to what she is going to say to her and she never really knows what’s going to come out of the Doctor’s mouth next.

“Doctor?” Yaz approaches her. She was examining some programming quite intensely.

“One moment Yaz I’m almost there.”

“Doctor I wanted-“ Yaz is hurled forward with a great force. If she didn’t have such quick reactions, she would have almost whacked her head against the main console.

“There we go!” The Doctor shouts over the noise of the engines, clearly very pleased with herself. “Graham, Ryan, get over here so you can press the buttons I assigned you. I’m taking you back home.”

“Doctor that’s what I wanted to speak to you about.” Yaz moves her face into the Doctor’s eyeline.

“What’s up?” The Doctor asks still smiling. Yaz feels herself getting lost in that smile. She liked to see people happy, but then she remembers the time pressure she’s under to convince her to let them stay and she’s brought back to reality.

“One more trip?” She asks. The Doctor stops smiling as widely. “Please, just one more trip. Show us somewhere in the universe you like taking people to.” Yaz begins to slip into her work voice.

The Doctor seems to consider the idea for a moment but starts to fiddle with more buttons, keeping her head low. Yaz turns her head the other way to see Ryan and Graham looking at her. She mouths ‘I tried’ to them but from the looks on their faces they already knew that.

“The garden of Eden.” The Doctor says.

“Huh?” All three of them say in sync.

“In the year 6798 the human race discovers a new planet that’s so rich with wildlife and vegetation they name it the garden of Eden 2.0. That’s where I’m taking you.”

Yaz feels a smile grow on her face. She turns back to Ryan and Graham and they seem just as pleased. She’s bought them some time.

The TARDIS lands on the planet ever so softly. The Doctor said it was because she didn’t want to squish the plants too much.

“What the hell is that.” Ryan says pointing at the Doctor’s waist.

“It’s my bum bag.” The Doctor runs her hand along it. “For the money for the gift shop.”

“Oh, glad to hear capitalism reaches the new garden of Eden too.” Graham scoffs.

“Is it bigger on the inside like Mary Poppins?” Ryan jokes.

“I can turn this TARDIS around.” The Doctor points back at the control panel with a very stern face.

“No!” Yaz stops their bickering. “You can’t big up this planet and then not let us go out there. I know you want to tell us about it.” She assumes. She doesn’t actually have a clue as to what the Doctor wants to do.

“Come on then.” The Doctor pushes through the group of them huddled at the door and steps out so confidently.

“Don’t waste this.” Yaz orders the two of them. If they kept up their complaints about bum bags and gift shops there was no chance the Doctor would keep them on.

Any frustration at the boys that was left in her body was immediately dismissed when Yaz stepped out of the TARDIS doors. The amount of green with splattering’s of different and bright colours was enough to take her breath away in an instant. She imagines this is how Earth was before evolution and humans. It was beautiful. No high-rise buildings, only trees towering over them. Perhaps that was why her body seemed to be working more efficiently, with all the pure oxygen about. She was awestruck just by what she could see in front of her. She almost forgets she’s meant to be making a tight bond with the Doctor. She’d called them her friends before but, in some ways, she was a sort of inaccessible.

Unfortunately, the Doctor was so happy to be showing them around she didn’t stop talking, and Yaz couldn’t get a word in edgeways. Ryan and Graham tried to talk to her a few times by starting with questions about the flowers but that just set her off on whole different tangents. Never in her life had Yaz seen someone so passionate about something. Not even Sonya when a new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians comes out.

Yaz feels something heavy and wet hit the top of her head.

“Uh oh.” The Doctor mutters wiping a drip off her nose.

“What is it?” Graham asks.

“Well… there are a lot of plants and trees here which means-“

“They need a lot of watering.” Yaz finishes the Doctor’s sentence when she feels a couple more droplets hit her head and the back of her neck.

“Please tell me you have an umbrella in that bag.” Ryan says as he realises what it meant.

“Nope. Probably only just a quick shower though, it’ll pass.” The Doctor finishes her sentence at the exact moment the sky stops holding back the waterworks. “Okay back to the TARDIS, this was a mistake.”

No! Yaz can’t bare the thought of the Doctor seeing this trip as a mistake. They run for a full five minutes and get absolutely drenched at the same time. Yaz swears she could wring out her hair but the Doctor warns her not to in case the TARDIS gets mad.

“You lot go and change into some dry clothes. I’ll get you back home.”

Yaz’s stomach feels empty. She wasn’t going to let them stay.

“Maybe it’s for the best.” Ryan pats her back and whispers to her as he passes.

Perhaps he is right. Danger always seemed to follow the Doctor and they had only been with her a very short period of time. Going back home wouldn’t be too bad. She’ll keep climbing the ladder up to the top at work, start earning enough money to move into her own flat, maybe find someone to settle down with or at least a cat. Maybe a dog. Definitely some house plants. She would have to keep in touch with Ryan and Graham. They were the only other people she knew that knew about the unbelievable nature of what they’ve experienced together. Anyone else would think she was mad.

They land back on Earth. Yaz stepped out and was relived they were in the right time zone this time, but once she was out, she realised there was no chance of going back in.

“S’pose this is it.” The Doctor stands at the door of the TARDIS.

Yaz looks at her a little confused. The Doctor looked like she had something she wanted to say but was holding herself back. Graham and Ryan look at Yaz with a similar look on their faces. Graham and Ryan said a few words but the Doctor still looked like she kept having something to say but not saying it, like she was stalling. Graham thanks her for the trip. She says it was a pleasure and then looks directly at Yaz. Her gaze is like a punch in the gut and her gut is telling her to say something. Say something. She wants you to say something. Just say something. Say it.

“What are you gonna do now?” She asks. Wrong thing, her gut tells her. That’s not enough, say something else. The Doctor mentions going off in the box again. “On your own?” Yaz hints at the three of the them staying with her but she doesn’t catch on.

Say. Something.

“Do you wanna come for tea at mine?”

“Definitely!” The Doctor slams the TARDIS door shut without any hesitation. “Yes, I would.”

Yaz is too overwhelmed with the outcome of this scenario to remember anything else the Doctor said. She was staying around because of her. Them. Because of them not just her. How stupid of her to think it was just her doing. Yaz knows that if she pushed it, the Doctor could stay hanging around for the entire day. Hopefully she would see how annoying living with her family was and whisk her away for more adventures in time and space. With Ryan and Graham. Obviously.


	2. Chapter 2

Are you two seeing each other. Those were the words her mum used. Yaz had to think for a second to see whether it would be an easier explanation than ‘hey mum I’ve brought home an alien’. Considering how badly her mother wanted her to be dating literally anyone, further proven by her asking practically the same thing to her and Ryan later on in the day, it would be too harsh to give her some hope. She told her they were friends. That way her mum could be satisfied that she was socialising outside of work.

The newly named ‘team’ had just ceremoniously set the TARDIS in flight together, marking the official start of their journey. Yaz thought that the Doctor’s hands were incredibly soft and made a mental note to ask her what type of hand cream she used. The Doctor was going to take them somewhere fun and exciting but she had picked up on Ryan’s excessive yawning so she parked up in some galaxy to programme some bedrooms. Ryan and Yaz were occupying themselves, sitting on the floor of the outer edges of the room while they waited.

“You’re really excited this is happening aren’t ya.” He tells her.

“What do you mean?” She asks.

“I want more. More of the universe and you.” Ryan does his best impression of her. It wasn’t good at all but the words made it identifiable as Yaz.

“Yeah, and?” Yaz doesn’t understand his point. “I am excited Ryan. We can go anywhere in the entire universe, why wouldn’t you be excited by that?”

“Oh, no, I am. I just think you’re excited about some things more than others.” He points at the Doctor hunched over and concentrating fiercely. A spark flies from the console and she jumps back and sees Ryan and Yaz looking at her. She tells them to ‘ignore that’ and it makes Yaz laugh.

“She’s an alien Ryan! That’s literally the coolest thing ever, we can learn so much from her. None of this would be possible without her! She’s important.”

“Do you lot consent to the TARDIS using your psyche so that she can design your rooms to suit you?” The Doctor shouts, preventing Ryan from saying whatever was on the tip of his tongue.

“Sure.”

“Why not.”

“Go on then but no funny business.”

The Doctor gets back to fiddling away and Yaz turns her attention back to her conversation with Ryan. He was looking at her weirdly.

“What?” She asks him.

“Nothing.” He says suspiciously.

“What is it?” Yaz pushes further out of intrigue in her friends change of behaviour.

“You have a crush.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do!”

“No, I don’t!”

“You’ve always had a thing for cute blondes.”

“You just called her cute, are you sure you don’t have a crush?” Yaz pushes his shoulder. “I don’t have a crush. She’s a strange alien, we don’t even know where she’s from.”

“That’s speciesphobic.”

“Excuse me, what? Actually, I can’t even be bothered to try and attempt to decode whatever that is.”

Ryan laughs with her. “I’m only teasing.” He reassures.

“Right! That should be rooms all done. Now we just have to find them.”

“What do you mean find them?” Graham asks. “Do you know where they are?”

“I know they’re down that freshly made corridor.” The Doctor points over her shoulder before quickly spinning on her heels to investigate.

Yaz jumps up and then gives Ryan a hand to his feet before following her.

“Calming blue walls that are easy on the senses with a mini gym. Cupboard full of cheesy wotsits.”

“Me!” Ryan speaks up. He gets himself settled and ready for bed while Graham and Yaz continue with the Doctor. They open the next door along.

“Light blue and maroon feature wall with a map of all the London bus roots and some photos of Grace.”

“Pretty sure that’s me.” Graham steps inside and assess his surroundings, leaving Yaz and the Doctor alone to move to the next door.

“Sleek white walls, a dedicated spot for prayer including a compass to show south, and a lovely poster of a woman in a school uniform.”

“Wait, what?” Yaz asks, snapping out of the wonder of what the TARDIS designed for her from her own brain. The Doctor points at one of the walls.

“Oh, that’s just an actress.” Yaz says seeing the poster. The Doctor looks at her wide eyed. “Kind of had a huge crush on her in St Trinians when I was growing up.”

“Huge enough to remain prominent enough in your psyche now for the TARDIS to include her?” The Doctor smirks.

“Shut up.” Yaz pushes the Doctor’s side slightly with her shoulder. The Doctor keeps looking at the picture and tilts her head.

“I see why though.”

“You’re into women too?” Yaz asks. Well, more like blurts out.

“I like everyone.” The Doctor shrugs. “And I mean everyone, I’m not speciesphobic.”

There was that word again. Was it a real thing that Ryan had correctly guessed or accidentally stumbled upon? Or was it completely fake and the Doctor had heard their conversation and she was playing with her? Teasing her? No, from her mannerisms it’s obvious that she’s not playing around. She knows that the Doctor doesn’t stand for any form of discrimination. Yaz doesn’t even know why she’s a bit worried that the Doctor might have head her conversation with Ryan. There was no need to be worried. They weren’t talking about anything true anyway. She didn’t have a crush.

“If you need me, I’ll be kicking about somewhere.” The Doctor tells her as she starts to walk away.

“Where do you sleep, Doctor?” Yaz asks after her.

The Doctor stops walking and turns back around. “I don’t need sleep.”

“You crashed out on Grahams sofa for hours.” Yaz reminds her.

“That was an exception, I was regenerating.” The Doctor pauses for a second like she was analysing Yaz. It made her feel quite vulnerable. “I sleep when I need to. Don’t worry about me.”

“Who said I was worrying?”

“Your face.” The Doctor gives Yaz a simple smile and starts to walk away again. “Sleep well, Yaz.”

“Good night, Doctor.”

Yaz finds herself watching the Doctor walk away until she can’t see her anymore. The way she walked when she was alone was completely different to how she moved when she was with everyone else. It was like she was reverting back into her mind. Yaz knows that it’s never nice to retreat into your mind for long. Maybe that’s why the Doctor thinks out loud. Once she’s gone, Yaz goes to inspect her new room.

The room was really beautiful. It wasn’t huge, probably the same size as her one at home, but it was perfect for her. Of course it would be, the TARDIS went inside her head to make it. Every little detail of each tiny decoration resonated with Yaz and she recognised where they were all from. The TARDIS had developed a couple of photos of her family and her favourite work colleagues and placed them on the little table next to the bed. Yaz runs her fingers along the frames, remembering what she’s chosen to leave behind. Her hand’s next target was the fabric of the pyjamas left on the pillow of the bed with constellations of stars sewn into them. Soft, but not so soft that she would be sweating throughout the night. She lays down on the bed and instantly feels every muscle in her body de-tense.

When her head hits the pillow, she feels something hard underneath it. She reaches over and pulls out a book. The cover read ‘Crushing it: a guide to getting over an unattainable love interest.’.

“Very funny.” Yaz says hoping that the TARDIS is listening.

But she shouldn’t be mad at the TARDIS. It wasn’t her fault that Ryan was pushing the thought into her head at the moment when the TARDIS was granted access, it was probably just a mistake.

Having a crush on the Doctor? Impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: I'm going to space out the updates  
> also me: it's been like an hour, bring on the next one


	3. Chapter 3

 “In, in, in, in, in!” The Doctor commands the three humans inside the TARDIS.

“They weren’t kidding when they said they were the _death_ -eye turtle army.” Graham tries to joke.

The Doctor runs straight past all of them as they were trying to get their breathing and heart rates back to normal. Her face had never been so serious nor her eyes so much like steel. Yaz, being much fitter than the teenage boy and a much older man in remission for cancer, recovered faster and joined the Doctor at the control panel.

“What’s wrong? Why haven’t we taken off yet?” Yaz asks.

“They’re all over the outer shell, I can’t take off with them on us. Last time I took off with someone hanging on the side, the TARDIS had to go to the end of the universe to shake them off and I don’t fancy going back there after what happened last time.” She hits the panel. “Think, Doctor, think!”

Yaz knows the Doctor didn’t directly ask her but she thinks of possible ways to get the killer turtles off too. She doesn’t know science or machine as well as she did, but she could at least attempt it. She liked being logical and she can stay calm under pressure. Perfect for this situation.

“What about a sonic blast?” Yaz thinks aloud. The Doctor looks up at her. “You know like the mine that got us but not as powerful. Just enough to make them-“

“Yasmin Khan you amazing…” The Doctor grabs Yaz's head with both hands and forcefully presses her lips against hers. “Why didn’t I think of that!” The Doctor runs and skips around the room.

Yaz’s heart is also skipping. The Doctor was always full of surprises but this one was new. Really new. She never thought her first kiss with a woman would be like that, all stiff and with literally no build up or romance at all. She watches the Doctor talking to herself as she rips up wires from the floor and stares at screens.

“You alright Yaz?” Ryan asks, balancing himself on her shoulder. He’d twisted his ankle when he tripped while running. “Looks like you’re having a crisis.”

Yaz opens her mouth but no words come out. If she tells him the truth, he’ll never live it down, but she also knows that she’s a terrible liar.

“You look like a fish.” Ryan points at her mouth opening and closing with no words escaping from shock. Some thumps come from the direction of the door making all of them jump. Graham leans across them trying to keep the army out.

“I just suggested something scientific and she’s doing it.” Yaz says.

Ryan’s eyes widen. “We’re going to die.”

“Rude.”

“No one’s dying!” The Doctor shouts over the sounds of the turtles trying to bash in the door in. The Doctor lifts up two bunches of wires and holds them together making sparks fly, the TARDIS screech and the Doctor to fall back on the floor. The bashing stops and the Doctor gets up to do a quick scan of the outer shell and send them back into the vortex.

“Oh my God, Graham!” Ryan tries to sprint over to Graham who has fallen to the floor. Yaz follows him and checks his pulse.

“He’s just been knocked out he’ll be okay.” She makes sure that Ryan doesn’t start panicking.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve told him to not be touching the sides. He must’ve been hit by some of the blast.” The Doctor apologises while she pilots them away from danger.

“You need to think before you do things sometimes.” Ryan snaps at the Doctor. The Doctor gulps and continues as if she hadn’t heard anything. Yaz doesn’t know which one of them to be angry at.

“Get him lying on his back I’ll be there as soon as I’m sure we’ve outrun them.” The Doctor instructs.

Yaz helps Ryan shift Graham onto his back. She would stay there if she wasn’t so concerned about the effects Ryan’s words have had on the Doctor. She approaches her carefully: she had moved around to the other side so that they couldn’t see her face and Yaz didn’t know her exact position. Ryan's words could have been put better and the Doctor should have said something but they were under pressure. The blame isn't really on anyone.

“Don’t listen to him.” Yaz stands close to her so their conversation won’t be overheard.

“I put Graham in danger, he was right I should’ve thought to say something first.”

“We were in a rush to get away. You obviously weren’t thinking normally.”

The Doctor looks at her with a furrowed brow. “What do you mean ‘obviously’? What did I do?”

Yaz squints her eyes at her. Did she not realise what she’d done? Did she not see the problem with it? Was it really that impulsive that it didn’t even register in her brain? Was Yaz wrong to be remembering it herself? Why _did_ she have a problem with it?

“You kissed me.” Yaz tells her. Any worry or confusion the Doctor was displaying had disappeared.

“Oh that! I do that all the time when one of my friends comes up with a good idea.” The Doctor explains quite casually. Yaz can’t think of anything else to say so just smiles. “I won’t do it again if it made you uncomfortable.”

“I’d appreciate that.” Yaz nods and keeps smiling to convince the Doctor she was fine. Or at least to convince someone.

“What am I going to do about that?” The Doctor sighs pointing at Ryan speaking to Graham tying to make him wake up.

“If you’re right he’ll wake up and you will just have to apologise. Profusely.”

“I have a smelling salt that will make him wake up sooner.” The Doctor pulls out a tiny bottle from her inner coat pocket. “Have a whiff of that.”

The Doctor shoves the bottle under Yaz’s nose, giving her no choice but to breath it in. The smell of it makes her eyes water and the back of her throat burn. She starts to feel dizzy. She only manages to say the Doctor’s name before her eyes roll into the back of her head and gravity gets away from her. She extends her hand to try and grab hold of the Doctor's arm or at least her coat but she was falling too fast. The next thing she knows she's waking up in bed with the Doctor standing over her.

“What the hell was that?” Yaz asks.

“Might have made you smell something that knocked you out instead of make you come around. I’m really sorry.” The Doctor sits down on the edge of the bed next to her.

“Is Graham alright now?” Yaz asks sitting up.

“He’s fine. Really mad at me though but that’s to be expected. So is Ryan.”

“They’ll get over it.”

“I promised them they could choose where we go next unless you desperately want to go somewhere.” The Doctor offers her the chance to reclaim her stance as the next person to choose where they go.

“It’s my Nani’s birthday soon. So long as I’m back on Earth for that I’m down for anything. Especially if it gets Ryan and Graham back in your good books.”

“Deal.” The Doctor keeps maintaining eye contact with her. “I am really sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t crack my head open or anything.”

“Actually…” The Doctor is overcome with shame as she itches the back of her head. Her actions prompt Yaz to touch the back of her own and she feels a small scar developing under her hair.

“How long have I been out?” Yaz asks her, now suddenly very aware of the situation she’s in.

“Couple of days.” The Doctor starts twiddling her thumbs.

“Whoa. Okay.” Yaz takes a second to pause and think. She fell backwards, cracked her head open, and was then out for a couple of days. She thinks about what she wants and it’s what any young girl wants when something like this happens. She wants her mum. “Can you drop me back early?”

“If that’s what you want.”  The Doctor says it through a smile but it doesn't cover her obvious upset.

The Doctor takes one last look at her before walking away. Yaz swings her legs over the side of the bed so her feet touch the floor and she let her body get used to being upright for the first time in a while. The Doctor had left a glass of water on the bedside table and Yaz practically downs it all at once, which is when she finally understands why people have always told her to take sips when you’re ill. She changes her clothes and considers having a shower but with a head injury and not knowing what the doctor had done to seal it, she decided it was too risky, so instead goes straight to the control room.

“I’ve set course to a week before your Nani’s birthday. Gives you some time to heal and for me to patch things up with the boys.”

“Thank you.”

“Yaz, I really am so so sorry I-“ The Doctor reaches to try and touch the back Yaz’s head but Yaz flinches out of instinct, suddenly making it very awkward between them.

“Promise you’ll come back for me. On the right day.” Yaz says when the Doctor goes quiet.

“I will. I promise you.” The Doctor safely lands the TARDIS. “Say hi to your mum for me.”

“Sure.” Yaz makes her way to the door. “How exactly do I explain this to her?”

“Work accident? Tripped and fell? What would she believe most?”

“I might not tell her. She won’t leave me alone if she knew.”

"She loves you." 

"I know. Sometimes too much." Yaz chuckles. 

"I'll see you later, Yaz." The Doctor says as if she was reassuring herself that it was going to happen.

Yaz opens the door, halfway steps out and realises what she's doing. She's going to go a week without her new family. She looks back. The Doctor was already busy fiddling with something Yaz wouldn’t understand. She knows she feels guilty. Much guiltier about her than what happened to Graham. Her eyes wander to the Doctors lips, pursed in concentration, but she catches herself. It was just a funny mistake, that’s all. The Doctor looks up and gives her a friendly smile. Yaz reciprocates before leaving, and ignores the tiny voice in the back of her head saying she should’ve reciprocated something else as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always forget how damn supportive everyone is in the comments !! I never know how to reply but know I appreciate every single one of you


	4. Chapter 4

 The Doctor did come back on time and the guilt of her causing Yaz to fall and crack her head was clearly still present in her mind because she managed to convince her to take her to meet her grandmother in 1947. It wasn’t as joyful an experience she had hoped it to be. She was currently talking with a much older Umbreen than the one they had spent the day with while she drove her back home. She already really loved her Nani but today deepened that love so much further, seeing and experiencing what she went through at such a young age.

She drops the car back home and heads back straight to the TARDIS. Being at home for the week was nice but she fears she has missed out massively and she was itching to get back to the Doctor and the adventures she brought with her. She gets to the old police phone box and is greeted with a hug from Ryan.

“I know how much we both love our grans.” He tells her.

Ryan always gave amazing hugs. She imagines it’s what its like to have a sibling that actually cared. She rests her head on his chest and the new angle meant she could see the Doctor watching them. She gives a small wave and smile before going back to her conversation with Graham. Yaz wished the Doctor had hugged her on the way back to 2018 Sheffield when she was upset and had been crying. She wished she was hugging her now. Ryan lets Yaz go.

“Did Umbreen have a good birthday?” Graham asks her.

“Yeah, really good thanks. Not so keen on the shop bought cake but when is she ever.” Yaz jokes.

“Welcome back aboard.” The Doctor says cheerfully. “May I? I forgot this morning.” She gestures to the back of her head.

“Oh, right, sure.” Yaz turns around and lets the Doctor unpin her hair and help it fall down her back by running her fingers through it. The Doctor touched so carefully and lightly on her skull it sent shivers down her spine. It was either that or the scar was still tender.

“That’s healed nicely. Well done.” The Doctor concludes.

“Well done?” Yaz reiterates.

“Yup, well done. Your body is so healthy it’s healed quicker than it normally would. You know how to take care of yourself.”

“Thank you, I guess.” Yaz decides take her words as a compliment.

They both stand there just staring and smiling at each other, neither knowing what to say next. Yaz had missed this. All of it. She had never really even noticed the white noise the TARDIS made until coming back now. Graham coughs, pulling her out of her thoughts.

“Right! Onto the next one.” The Doctor jumps and starts imputing coordinates.

“Was that some kind of flirting or…?” Ryan whispers in her ear from behind.

“Shut up. I’m just happy to be back.” Yaz partially lies.

She knows she’s lying because she knew something was up when she couldn’t stop thinking about the Doctor and that kiss. That terrible, stiff, not-really-a-kiss-at-all kiss and both Ryan’s and the TARDIS teasing her kept playing over and over in her head the entire week. Plus, being at her own grandmothers wedding today and witnessing everything she went through for love finally got her to accept it. She was missing her too much to ignore it any longer. Everything about her, her smell, her charm, her constant excitement and need to care for everything and everyone good in the universe. Even just watching her now, piloting her TARDIS and mumbling to herself set her heart beating a little faster. Of course, she knows they could never actually be together. The Doctor had no interest in her, why should she? The Doctor is ancient and wiser than she initially comes across and Yaz was still so young and naïve. She knows it can’t happen. She knows it won’t happen. So, she just accepts it as it is.

“You were right.” Yaz sighs, turning to look at her friend.

“Really? About what?” Ryan says shocked.

“I always have a thing for bloody blondes.” Yaz rolls her eyes at her own predictability. Ryan starts to giggle. “You have to help me.” She whispers.

“Do what?” Ryan whispers back with the same tone of voice, checking around the room to see if Graham or the Doctor were listening.

“Get over it.”

“Good luck with that.” Ryan scoffs.

“Or at least learn to live with it. Please!” Yaz begs. Ryan sucks his teeth. “I know you know how because I know you had a crush and Annabelle Doplen years three through six.”

Ryan gasps. “How dare you bring that up!”

“Agree to help me then!”

“What are you two jabbering on about.” Graham asks.

“Nothing.”

“Ryan’s childhood crush.”

“Yaz!” Ryan hits her arm.

“Oh, that Annabelle girl!” Graham starts to laugh.

“How do you know about that? You didn’t know me then.”

“You don’t think your nan told me everything about you when she was administering my chemo? I know all your embarrassing secrets mate.”

“What’s got you talking about crushes anyway?” The Doctor chimes in, clearly enjoying the banter. Yaz hopes that she’s enjoying it so much that she wont notice her starting to blush.

“Seeing my Nani get married.” She covers her back by not letting Ryan speak first.

“Yeah, weddings always get me thinking.” Ryan adds. The Doctor and Graham share a sly look.

“Are you two…” The Doctor starts.

“Ugh, no!” Yaz totally dismisses the idea and Ryan hunches over pretending to vomit.

“Ryan don’t be so mean, Yaz is-“ They all stop giggling at the anticipation of what the Doctor was going to say next. “Well, she’s Yaz.” The Doctor visibly gulps. “Wouldn’t you agree, Graham?”  She turns her head so that she wasn’t looking at her.

“Yes of course.” Graham backs her up. “You know, when I first met my Grace…” Graham starts to tell a story but Yaz had one more thing to say on her mind.

“I take that as you agreeing to help me.” Yaz says just loud enough for Ryan to hear.

“So long as you stop bringing up my embarrassing childhood crushes, yes.” He says and quickly walks away so that it wouldn’t look like they were plotting something, or even worse, in a relationship.

Yaz, being pleased with herself that she now has Ryan willing to do her bidding and help her, walks over to be with the rest of the group and listen Graham’s story. Obviously, she chooses to stand next to the Doctor; she could never help but to gravitate towards her.

“I missed you being here.” The Doctor speaks directly into her ear and Yaz has to remind herself keep her composure. She’d never been such a mess in her life and she resented it. Yaz tells herself to get a grip and thinks of something to say.

“What did you do when I was gone?” Yaz asks, hoping that it wasn’t something she would have loved to experience.

“Elvis concert and a trip to 1966 when England won the world cup.”

“So, no aliens or disasters?” Yaz asks quite surprised.

“For once, no.” The Doctor’s voice goes up in pitch.

“Maybe I should go away more often then.”

“Please don’t.” The Doctor says quite seriously.

“I’ll stay as long as you want me to.” Yaz offers.

“You’re one of my best mates Yaz, you’re not going anywhere for a long while.”

Best mates. Cool. She knew that was how it was going to have to be but hearing it out loud sucked. Yaz also knows she’s going to have to get over herself at some point otherwise all of these adventures will be tainted by something she’ll look back on and call stupid when she’s found someone in the future.

“You okay? You seem tired.” The Doctor notes on her silence.

Yaz rubs her neck which was starting to get a bit stiff. “It’s been a long day.” She says quite defeated.

“Was it worth it though?” The Doctor asks, already knowing that the answer is yes.

“Yeah. Thank you for doing it for me.” Yaz makes her gratitude clear. The Doctor really didn’t have to do it for her but she did, like the good friend she was.

“S’alright.” The Doctor shrugs it off as if doing it wasn’t the big risk she knew it was. “Get some sleep. Or maybe even a nice nap! Lots more running to do tomorrow, probably, you can choose.”

“Oi! She chose today.” Ryan reminds her.

“Alright fine.” The Doctor gives into him. “Best keep it fair. Sleep on where you want to go and tell me when you wake up.”

“But I’m not tired.”

“I am.” Both Graham and Yaz say at the same time.

“Ryan you can help me do some maintenance since you’re not tired and basically a mechanic.”

Graham tips his head at Yaz gesturing they make their ways to their rooms and they do. Yaz quickly looks over her shoulder and sees Ryan and the Doctor in a hushed conversation, setting the seed of paranoia in her stomach. She starts to recall all the things Ryan did in primary school he would rather not have brought up again in case she needs to use them for blackmail. But, deep down, she trusts that he won’t let anything slip.

Settling her head on what feels like the softest pillow in the universe, Yaz goes over the events of the day. She had witnessed two historical events, one regarding her family and another about the history of India, both important to her in multiple ways. And she was back at her second home: the TARDIS. The sounds of the magnificent machine sending her off to sleep and into dreams about running through fields of flowers with her grandmother towards the Doctor, sitting on the ground struggling to make some sort of daisy chain. Did daisies even grow in India? Yaz didn't care. It was a dream, and her brain could release everything she needed to in dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set up is complete, let the hopeless pining commence


	5. Chapter 5

“Now, ever hidden in a panelled alcove?” The Doctor asks excitedly.

“No.” Yaz and Ryan say at the same time and share a very confused look. Was the Doctor really going to make them do this? Hide in a wall?

“You haven’t lived.”

Yaz was starting to freak out over being in close proximity to the Doctor in such a tight space. What if she brushed up against her or touched her somewhere she shouldn’t by accident? She wasn’t good with tight spaces anyway, they always made her get inside her own head and currently her head is full of the Doctor, delivery robots and a suspicious management team. Not a good mix.

“Ryan.”

“I know.”

They step into the alcove, both of them either side of the Doctor.

“Talking of wasps, did I ever tell you about me and Agatha Christie?”

The Doctor slides the panel back across, covering and sealing them from the outside world. Yaz took a moment to get herself used to the small space. It wasn’t as small as it had looked from the outside but still tight enough for her to feel uncomfortable.

Yaz absolutely loved listening to the Doctor’s stories. The way she was so descriptive and went into so much detail, like how there was a hint of mint in the air, practically projected an image onto her retina. It was weird hearing her describe herself as a skinny man in a suit. All the other stories she told Yaz imagined her as she was now, however this was the first time she had mentioned looking different since the first time they met. Yaz makes a mental note to ask her how the whole changing bodies thing worked. Throughout all the stories she told Yaz had a strong compulsion that she wanted to have been there with her. She wished she was adventuring with the Doctor for much longer than she had been.

“So, I had the cyanide still in me and a mouth full of anchovies but I needed a shock and I couldn’t speak. I start to do this to try and tell her what I needed and-“ The Doctor had forgotten the lack of space the three of them had and her hand actions meant she had whacked Yaz dead on the nose. “Oh my God, Yaz I’m sorry, I keep hurting you.”

“It’s okay.” Yaz dabs the bottom of her nostrils to check if she was bleeding and she’s glad to find she wasn’t. She wasn’t feeling dizzy either which was a bonus. She was always cautious with being knocked in the head area since she hurt herself when she fell. “Keep going with the story.”

“Yaz-“

“I’m fine, I promise.” Yaz lets herself laugh a bit and keeps her hand away from her nose to ease her friend despite how much it was throbbing. It’s not her fault that it’s natural for her to talk with her hands. She liked when she got so expressive she almost lost control of her limbs. At least the Doctor wasn’t wearing any rings.

The Doctor continues her story about Agatha Christie and a giant wasp vicar called a Vespiform but it was obvious she was making an effort to watch her hands. She looked over at Yaz a lot to check in and every time she did so Ryan would encourage her to keep talking. Yaz’s guesses that was his way of keeping things from getting awkward because they had quite a while to hide in here until they were able to go snooping in the office.

“What happened to her?” Ryan asks when she finishes.

“Agatha turned up some days late-”

“No, Donna.” Ryan corrects her.

The question in itself makes the Doctor go still which worries Yaz. Her smile from reminiscing old adventures turns sad and cold. She looks straight ahead.

“Something bad. But she’s fine, you know. Happy. Alive.”

Yaz’s hand moves back and forth about an inch at her side. She wanted to put her hand on her shoulder, or arm, or literally anywhere on her to show she was there. But she was also wrestling with the idea of giving her a hug. The Doctor was always so emotive with her hands and movements but she never really touched anyone unless she was having to forcibly move them out of the way of something. She might not even want to be touched at all. Yaz remembers her police training for comforting victims you couldn’t quite read emotionally and makes the snap decision to place her hand on her shoulder and give a gentle squeeze. The Doctor feels it, looks over at her, gives one of her sad smiles and puts her own hand on top of Yaz’s.

She was holding her hand.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Doctor.” Ryan says sympathetically.

“It’s okay.” The Doctor removes her hand and Yaz brings hers back down to her side. It would be strange if she kept it on her shoulder when the moment had passed. “I enjoyed my time with her. Probably because she didn’t fancy me.”

Yaz feels herself go a bit stiff. Was it normal for people to get crushes on the Doctor? She wouldn’t doubt it.

“What do you mean by that?” Ryan asks her to expand on her comment.

“Basically everyone before and after had some sort of crush on me. Quite refreshing just to have a best friend. Like you two!” The Doctor quickly double pats them both on the back.

Yaz laughs and agrees but felt guilty. The longer this goes on, will she be unable to be a proper friend to the Doctor? She will have to programme herself to not feel anything towards her if she feels the need to. She’d give up feeling anything non-platonic if it meant she could keep travelling, even if she knows the Doctor would hate for her to do that.

“Yaz?” Ryan’s voice pulls her out of her own head.

“Hm?”

“You were away with the fairies for a second there.” The Doctor nudges her with her elbow. “The good ones, not the mean ones with the sharp teeth.”

“Sorry. I don’t really like small spaces.” Yaz explains part of her reason for being so absent minded.

“Not long now.” The Doctor tries to comfort her.

The three of them talk about what Ryan and Yaz did in the time gap between the end of primary school until they met again that fateful evening. The Doctor pays just as much attention as they did to her story earlier and it made them feel special. The Doctor had seen and experienced so much but she listened to them catching up like it was the most interesting story in the universe. It was nice, using the time to catch up, even though they were in the most peculiar situation.

The time inside the paneled alcove was over soon after that which Yaz was very glad about. All the talking was making the air in the tiny space get a bit warm. Graham will piss himself laughing when he finds out this was what they were doing for the majority of the afternoon.

Everything after that was a blur. Robots and delivery chutes and double crossings and teenage love. Blimey it was a lot. It was only back in the TARDIS when Yaz remembers the silver heart necklace, safe in her pocket. The Doctor had agreed to let her break the news to Dan’s daughter. She also said she’d go with her for support.

Yaz follows the Doctor to about a meter before TARDIS doors but she can’t bring herself any further. What the hell was she going to tell such a young girl that looked up to and lover her father so much? Hi, I’m Yaz, your dad died because of me. Or, hi, I was snooping around and got your dad in trouble which led to him being killed. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know if she could do it without crying or getting choked up. She had had the training from her little time in the force but she’s never had to break news of a death to a family before now. She was nineteen, still only a child herself. Yaz looks at the handmade necklace again.

“Doctor, I can’t.” She tells her. The Doctor turns and moves closer to her. “Please, you do it.” Yaz hands her the necklace. The Doctor is hesitant at first but she takes it and runs the chain through her fingers.

“It’s okay.” The Doctor says softly. “I get it.” The Doctor pulls Yaz into a hug. The first thing Yaz notices is her smell, like engine oil. She was so warm and comforting and just what Yaz needed. The Doctor was holding her tight, letting her know she was there for her. So tight Yaz swears she can feel her hearts beating. “He saved your life and he’s a hero for that. Really cannot have a universe without my Yaz.”

_My Yaz._

“Will you be okay? Speaking with a child?” Yaz asks.

“I’ll be fine.” The Doctor ends the hug. “I’ve got dad skills. Actually, I guess they’re mum skills now. Parenting skills. Whatever.”

“Wait, what?” Yaz grins. Was the Doctor hinting that she has children?

“I’m just good with kids. Trust me, I’ve got this. Wait here I’ll be back in a bit. Don’t let the boys touch anything.”

Yaz watches the Doctor walk away to break the news. Even if she was a bit socially awkward it would be better than a company representative, and she had the necklace. That was the most important part. Getting that necklace to his little girl. Yaz sits down on the inner edge of the TARDIS and Ryan swiftly joins her.

“You alright mate?” He asks.

“I’m a bit sad.”

“That’s normal.” He nods. They sit in silence for a little while. “About what the Doctor said. When we were hiding.”

“Rya-“

“It’s just that I saw your face. I’m sure she didn’t mean it the way you interpreted it.” He tells her.

“Did she see too?” Yaz lets her head sink into her hands.

“Probably not, no.” He says but Yaz can tell he’s lying to her. The Doctor totally knew. “Look, she said it was refreshing for someone to not have a crush on her but that was a long time ago. You might still have a chance.”

“I told you I needed you to help me live with it not encourage me.” Yaz hits his knee playfully.

“Do you not notice how she looks at you? Even Graham sees it.”

“Don’t tell me that.”

“Too late.” Ryan lifts his hand up in surrender. “She’s taken a shine to you no matter what. Just be chill with her.”

“I’m trying.” She says through a yawn. “Tell the Doctor thank you from me when she gets back, I’m going for a shower then bed.”

“Do you want me to tell her to wake you up when she checks in on you or not.”

“What do you mean when she checks in on me?” Yaz asks standing up.

“Graham caught her doing it one time. She said she was checking on all of us but I was awake at the time Graham said she was doing it and I never saw her.”

Yaz processes this information. The Doctor was checking on her. Watching her while she slept.

“I don’t know how to feel about that.” Yaz admits.

“I don’t think she meant for it to be creepy. She cares about ya.”

“Telling me that doesn’t help”

“I keep walking into it today, honestly.”

Yaz taps his cheek. Any harder it may have been considered a friendly slap.

“Night Ry.”

“Night Yaz.”


	6. Chapter 6

Yaz couldn’t sleep. Everything at Kerblam was running through her head and she can’t decide if she wants to know how it went with the Doctor and Dan’s family or not. In fact, everything with the Doctor was playing over in her head. The gunshot that killed Prem. Being on the same bus as Rosa Parks. Astos and Eve dying as a result of the pting. Grace’s death. Kira’s death. It was all getting a bit tough. The travelling was still the most amazing thing in the world but there was some stuff that came with it that Yaz hadn’t signed up for. She finds her self thinking about how the Doctor might deal with it. She gets up out of bed, throws a blanket over her shoulders and goes looking for her.

At first glance, the control room seemed empty, only filled with a warm orange glow. The further Yaz walked in the more concerned she got for the Doctor’s whereabouts. She wasn’t familiar with anywhere else in the TARDIS yet and knew she would get lost if she ventured any further.

“What are you doing up?” The Doctor’s voice comes from the doorway.

Yaz follows the voice and see the Doctor looking out at the stars with her legs dangling outside and her hands on the floor either side of her. She sits next to her, appreciative of the sudden company.

“Aren’t you cold? You don’t have your coat on.” Yaz asks, watching her feet dangle into nothingness.

“Little bit.” She says. Yaz takes that as an invite to drape half of the blanket over the Doctor’s shoulders so that they were sharing it, thinking nothing of it until the Doctor looks at her with wide eyes. “Why are you awake Yaz?” The Doctor asks again.

“Noticed you didn’t check in on me.” Yaz says casually to play with the Doctor. The look on her face was priceless when she realised she knew.

“How’d you know about that?” The Doctor asks ready to defend herself.

“Ryan.”

“That little…” The Doctor goes to curse Ryan but the sight of Yaz giving her a cheeky smile stops her in her tracks. “No, really Yaz, what’s up?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Did you want to know about Dan's kid?”

“I don’t know if I do.”

“You should know she was very grateful you kept the necklace safe. And she doesn’t blame you.”

Yaz tries her hardest to not dismiss the young girl’s message. She feels like she needs to be held accountable for at least a part of it. A man was dead. A daughter left without her father. Some people’s lives have been changed forever because of her.

“How do you deal with it, Doctor? All the deaths and walking away from the people it affects.” Yaz asks. She wants to know how to cope with it so she can keep seeing the beauty in the universe like the Doctor did.

“I told you. I do what they would’ve done in their memory. When you’ve lived this long you get used to it.” The Doctor says with very little emotion.

“I don’t want to get used to it if it means I don’t feel anything at all.”

“By get used to it I don’t mean you end up dismissing it. I just have a lot of souls on my conscious.”

“How many?”

“I don’t want to tell you.”

“Why not.”

“You won’t look at me the same and I like the way you look at me.” There was a very long pause as the Doctor gulped. A longer pause than they had ever had together. Yaz was staring into the Doctor’s eyes and it felt like the Doctor was staring into Yaz’s soul. “I mean that the way you look at me makes me feel like I’m doing something right.”

“You’ve done nothing wrong.” Yaz reassures her.

“So far.” The Doctor scoffs.

“Shut up. I’ve only ever seen you strive for good.”

The Doctor readjusts her hands at her sides, practically pressing one hand up against the side of Yaz’s. Yaz looks at her to see if she had noticed what she had done but she was busy watching the stars burn again. She thinks about what Ryan might tell her to do right now and it’s the complete opposite of what she was thinking of doing. But then she reminds herself, Ryan isn’t here to stop her. She’ll probably regret doing it in the morning but for now she had an overwhelming urge to do it. Slowly and carefully as to not arise suspicion, Yaz lifts her pinkie finger and hooks it over the Doctor’s. Yaz keeps looking forwards as if nothing happens while the Doctor looks down at her hand. She doesn’t move it away. Yaz thought that was kind of her.

“How are you finding the rest of it? The universe, I mean. Everything we’ve done.” The Doctor asks as if she’s a tour guide taking a survey.

Yaz smiles looking out at the black sky. It feels surreal, that her legs are hanging out of a time machine and there are literal stars shining a few meters in front of her. She never thought she would end up here. She never thought there was any chance of getting anywhere close to here.

“It’s brilliant.” She almost laughs to herself now that she had grounded herself to the situation.

“Good. That’s what I like to hear.” The Doctor says, pleased with herself.

“I know Graham and Ryan are loving it too.” Yaz adds. She doesn’t want to make it all about her. That made her feel weird and too focused on.

“I know, I already asked them.”

Some more tranquil silence passes the two of them by, their little fingers still curled into each other.

“I can get you off if you want.” The Doctor speaks up.

“Excuse me?!”

“Sleep! To sleep! I can get you off to sleep. That’s what I was saying, I don’t want to get you off that way, ew, gross, I mean you’re very pretty but-.”

“Why do you and Ryan both keep giving me backhanded and accidental compliments.” Yaz pulls her hand away to rub the side of her nose.

“But you are pretty. No accident about that.” The Doctor says and Yaz feels her heart in her throat. “All women are pretty that’s just how the universe made them.” The Doctor continues and Yaz’s heart falls back into place again at the generalised statement. She wasn’t anything special; at least to the Doctor she wasn’t.

“How would you get me to sleep? You’re not gonna sing me a lullaby, are you?”

“No. Although I haven’t tried that yet with these vocal chords.” The Doctor chuckles to herself. “If I did it here would you be okay with me carrying you sleeping back to your bed or did you want me to do it so that you’re immediately there?”

“Tell me what it is first.”

The Doctor swings her limbs back into the TARDIS and sits cross legged facing Yaz. Yaz does the same, taking her blanket back with her.

“I’d use the electrical field around us to make your brain believe you’ve been sleeping for the past ten minutes.” The Doctor explains.

“Will I forget what happened in the last ten minutes?” Yaz double checks. She didn’t want to forget anything that had happened at all. She was going to treasure this small amount of time together forever. Because it was nice. Because it made her feel safe.

“No, I have no access to your memories with this, don’t worry. Spin around so that when you go you fall into me and not the wall.”

Yaz turns herself around and can no longer see the Doctor or what she was doing. She was a little scared. She still didn’t really understand what was going to happen to her other than that the Doctor was going to get her to sleep.

“Do you trust me, Yaz?” The Doctor speaks gently to match the silence that usually surrounds you before you drift off to sleep.

“If I didn’t by now there would be something wrong with me.” Yaz tells her.

“Try and focus on something nice so your subconscious has something to make a kind dream out of.”

Yaz tries to avoid the type of thoughts she was having that drove her to find the Doctor in the first place. Instead, she thinks of watching the stars burning and the allure of their shine and the feeling of her blanket keeping her warm. But the main thing she focuses on is the feeling of a little finger intertwined with the Doctor’s. A soft interaction that could be interpreted as anything but she was not willing to overthink it. She wished she had a friend to hold hands with through her teenage years and one had finally come at last. She was happy with that. She was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today has been A Day you guys, I had to wrote three formal emails so here's some soft thasmin because b o y I wish the real world was this soft


	7. Chapter 7

“We shall rest here for the night and set off at dawn.” King James tells them all when they reach Becca’s manor in the dark of night. “Shame. I’m lacking a bedfellow.” He glances at Ryan but her doesn’t see.

“What’s a bedfellow?” Yaz quietly asks the Doctor.

“Around this time royalty and people of importance in court that weren’t married shared a bed with a trusted person of the same sex for safety reasons and warmth. Elizabeth the First particularly since she had insomnia, was scared of the dark, and it suppressed political rumors that Robert Dudley was visiting her late at night for some hanky panky.”

“Did she really?”

“Yeah. Didn’t work very well though.”

“How do you mean?”

“Didn’t stop me from visiting her.”

There it was. Another one of those Doctor bombshells that leave you so much disbelief you don’t know whether to laugh or be shocked. Yaz ended up laughing in this instance. The Doctor and historical figures are like a form of Russian roulette; you never know if they have a history together or not.

They re-enter the manor for about the third time since they’d been here and find the fires still alight, warming a few of the rooms but not many.

“Doctor. You and your female companion can take the spare bedroom. I shall take the main with Ryan and Graham for my protection. After all, I am still the king.” King James not so much as suggests but more orders.

“Of course, sire.” Graham solidifies the plan before Ryan or Yaz could say anything. Ryan knows that the king had taken a shining to him and Yaz knew that if she didn’t handle it properly, sleeping in the same bed as the Doctor could be incredibly awkward.

“Are you alright with this?” Ryan asks Yaz as he reaches her side while the Doctor, Graham and king James enter their own wishes of sweet dreams and good nights to each other.

“I’m fine. What about you?”

“I’ve got Graham to back me up. You however-”

“It’s fine Ryan. It’s not like she actually sleeps anyway.”

“She’s yawned three times on the way back here. Probably, you know, because of the whole being tried as a witch thing.” Ryan puts forth the evidence of the Doctor needing to sleep.

“I’ll be fine.” Yaz reiterates. King James and Graham were already making their way up to the main bedroom of the house. Graham kept looking back to see where Ryan was. “Go. You don’t want to king to stat wondering where his ‘Nubian Prince’ is.”

“Har har.” Ryan monotonously acknowledges her joke as he walks away, making space for the Doctor to come up to her.

“I’ll sleep when we get back to the TARDIS if you don’t want to share a bed.” The Doctor offers. Yaz dismisses the idea straight away.

“You’re tired, Doctor. You need to sleep.”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Why would I be?” Yaz asks. Through the Doctor’s eyes, why would it be? There’s literally no reason there should be a problem. Friends share beds all the time. Unless it was the Doctor who was feeling uncomfortable with the idea. “Are you not okay with it?”

“No.”

“Right then, that solves that. Come on.” Yaz says as if she wasn’t nervous at all.

The pair of them hunt for the spare bedroom. They opened the wrong door at first which sent them into fits of suppressed giggles seeing Ryan helping king James strip down into his undergarments, but thanks to their mistake they were sent off in the right direction. It was much smaller than Becca’s but still showed the wealth of the late owner. The Doctor uses the sonic to set a fire and Yaz lays on top of the covers, adjusting to the lumpy square of straw under her back. After taking off her coat and suspenders and untucking her t-shirts, the Doctor plonks herself down on the bed laying on her side. Yaz turns onto her side too so they could talk.

“Reminds me when I was a kid, this does.” The Doctor says patting the space between them. As she does, Yaz spots some red marks around her wrist.

“Doctor.” Yaz points at them, drawing her attention to that part of her body.

“Oh, that’s probably just from the rope. It’ll be gone by morning, I recover quite fast from minor scrapes.” The Doctor brushes off her injuries but some of her words make Yaz confused.

“Rope? I thought you were in chains?” Yaz asks for clarification.

“I was in rope before the chains so I couldn’t get away. Had me hanging from a tree like this.”

The Doctor crosses her wrists and stretches her arms over her head. The nature of her position meant that her clothes had ridden up her stomach about an inch attracting Yaz’s gaze. Stop it, Yaz, she warns herself. Now really wasn’t the time for her brain to come up with thoughts like that. Unfortunately, her brain had noticed something else on that exposed bit of skin.

“Doctor,” Yaz reaches over to run her fingers softly over the purple bruising across the Doctors lower stomach. “exactly how tight were those chains.”

“Pretty stiff.” The Doctor pulls her tops back down to protect Yaz from seeing the damage to her body. “They’ll be gone by tomorrow too.”

“Don’t they hurt?”

“A little.”

“Why didn’t you say anything, we were running around after the Morax for ages.” Yaz sort of tells the Doctor off. She doesn’t like it when she kept secrets from her, especially regarding her wellbeing.

“Because it wouldn’t have changed anything. We still needed to get them back in prison and it would’ve been annoying if I said something every time it hurt.”

Yaz can’t believe how selfless the Doctor had been. To not even mention that she had been injured, no matter how small, made Yaz angry. Angry that she couldn’t do anything about it. Angry that the Doctor was suffering in silence. She wanted to care for her but maybe that’s why the Doctor was actually right. If Yaz knew she wouldn’t have been so focused on the task ahead and something worse might have happened to any one of them.

“I wish you had.” Yaz says.

She keeps watching the Doctor through her thought process. She could tell that she was figuring out what to say next with her eyes darting from left to right and back again and the corners of her mouth kept twitching.

“And I’m sorry I didn’t.” She says, finally.

There’re some more minuets of watching each other. Somehow it seemed that it wasn’t odd to do this. There wasn’t any feeling of stepping over any personal boundaries or anything like that. It was just comfortable. Yaz and the Doctor; it's just how they were. Yaz could see the Doctor’s eye lids starting to grow heavier through each blink she took. It was strange seeing her like that, on the verge of total vulnerability. The Doctor was fighting it hard.

“Well done for today, Doctor.” Yaz says quietly.

“Hm?” The Doctor mumbles forcing herself to keep her eyes open.

“Well done.”

“Why?”

“You were put through some shit and still saved everyone. Thank you.” Yaz says wholeheartedly. She’s noticed that the Doctor very rarely gets a proper thank you for everything she does and she assumes she very rarely did before her, Graham and Ryan came on board. From the look on her face Yaz is told she’s right.

“Thanks, Yaz.” The Doctor says rubbing her eyes. When she removes her hand Yaz guesses that she can’t gather the energy to open her eyes again as they stay closed. “You’re such a good mate.”

Yaz watches her slowly drift off into sleep. Her wrists go floppy and her breathing evens out. When she knows she’s fully sleeping Yaz reaches to the end of the bed, grabs the Doctor’s coat and gently places it over her body. She didn’t want her getting cold, especially since she was in that lake twice today. As for herself, Yaz was intending to slip under the covers but the thought of moving now tired her out enough for her convince herself to just fall asleep where she was.

There wasn’t time to dream. It felt like as soon as Yaz had closed her eyes she was being awoken again by Ryan coughing. She begrudgingly opens her eyes and sees him leaning over her from the side of the bed.

“King James says we leave in twenty.” He whispers.

“Why are you whispering?” Yaz asks. Ryan only lifts his eyebrows and shifts his gaze to the other side of the bed.

Yaz turns her head and is suddenly brought into the reality around her. The Doctor lay next to her. Her face level with Yaz’s, only centimeters away, and her arm sprawled over her midriff. She had obviously moved a lot in the night because her hair was messy and her coat was nowhere to be seen.

“Thought I’d let you wake her.” Ryan pats her shoulder and leaves so quickly Yaz didn’t have a chance to shout at him to help her.

She was stuck; but a very nice sort of stuck. Yaz cursed king James for making them get a move on so early but it had to be done. They had to go. She didn’t want to go this instant but they had to. Oh, but how much she would have liked to have just stayed there forever wrapped up by the Doctor, who was warm and soft and kind and beautiful. Beneath the happiness of it all she also felt ashamed of herself for being so selfish and enjoying the situation. If the Doctor ever knew she would probably get creeped out or at least distance herself from her which is the last thing Yaz wanted. It was time to wake her up, but before she did Yaz checked the state of her wrists. They were fully healed, just like she had said they would be.

“Doctor.” Yaz says gently to not shock her awake. Perhaps too gently, because the time lord didn’t stir. Yaz takes the Doctor’s hand off of her stomach and shuffles away slightly. “Doctor, we have to go.” She says again, louder this time, making the Doctor’s eyes snap open. Her brow furrows and she looks around, unfamiliar with her surroundings. Yaz thought it was adorable before she reminded herself, she’s not meant to be thinking of stuff like that.

“How long until we leave?” Is the first thing the Doctor says to her.

“About twenty minutes.” Yaz tells her.

The Doctor gets up and readjusts her clothing and hair. Yaz assesses her own situation and realises she’s really dehydrated and can’t remember the last time she had a drink. The sooner they got back to the TARDIS the better. They walk together to find the boys, both still preoccupied with the needs of the king. Willa was also there, having come to claim the house that was rightly hers.

“You finally untangled yourself from her then.” Ryan smiles. The Doctor pokes Yaz’s arm.

“What does he mean?” She asks her.

“I mean this.”

Ryan gets the three of them huddle in a group, gets out his phone and goes into his photos. He shows the Doctor and Yaz a picture of them both huddled together and sleeping peacefully before he woke Yaz up.

“Oh my God you creep. It was cold, we probably just moved towards the closest heat source.” Yaz tries to justify the situation and pretends she didn’t know they were positioned like that.

“And Ryan I said no phones when we’re in the past! Not after what happened last time!” The Doctor warns him.

“Sorry I forgot to take it out my pocket.”

“I say, what are you three gossiping about?” King James breaks their conversation.

“Nothing, sire.” Yaz says.

“Sleep alright Graham?” The Doctor asks making her way over to him while Ryan pockets his phone again.

“I can’t believe you did that!” Yaz hisses at him through her teeth. She felt so betrayed that he would show the Doctor what she had tried to hide.

“Yaz I think she likes you too.” He says bluntly. He walks away to talk to Willa leaving Yaz alone with her many racing thoughts.

What the hell had Ryan just unleashed with seven simple words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watch me try and justify my history degree with that elizabeth i fact at the start


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @ the bbc please don't sue me for using dialog from the episode okay thanks

Yaz was in trouble. So so so much trouble. The Doctor had unexpectedly grabbed her hand after she insisted she came with her through the mirror and it made her heart race so much faster than usual. She hadn’t touched her since they shared that bed which was partly Yaz’s doing. She had avoided her because of Ryan’s words making her spiral in unsavoury thoughts but obviously it wasn’t easy to be completely void of her company. Yaz wouldn’t accept it but this was becoming more than just a crush now. Crushes were meant to be fun and light hearted with butterflies in your stomach, not a heavy emotional investment and burning desire to be with them at any point possible.

They were alone, having left Graham to speak to fake Grace giving them time to figure out what was going on. Actually, it was to let the Doctor figure it out. Yaz had no clue what was going on.

She was rambling again. Anti-zones this and portals that. Yaz was managing to keep up with her more often now and clarified her muttering into shorter sentences every now and then. The Doctor realises that somethings bad.

“I’ve told you about the Solitract, right?” The Doctor asks.

“Literally never hear the word before.” Yaz says. She was getting lost again.

“Solitract. Solitract! A theory, a myth, a bedtime story that my gran used to tell me.”

“You had a grandmother.” Yaz beams. She loved learning little facts about the Doctor’s personal history before she became a traveller.

“I had seven. But Granny five…” The Doctor keeps talking but Yaz wasn’t listening. Seven grandmothers were a lot to unpack.

But Yaz didn’t have time to not listen. The Doctor was getting closer to her and at speed. Bloody hell, what was she doing!? Yaz finds herself being grabbed at her arms and forcibly moved. She has to try hard not to trip over her own feet. As for where she was being moved to, she doesn’t know; she’s only looking at the Doctor. Yaz gets thrown onto the end of the bed to her complete surprise. She knew she shouldn’t be a little bit turned on by it but that’s not something she could really control, especially when the Doctor was going into storytelling mode. And the way she was looking at her. God, the way she was looking at her, her eyes excited with the danger of her sudden realisation but still cautious of getting the facts right.

“So, what is the Solitract?” Yaz asks when the Doctor is done explaining her old bedtime story.

The stuff the Doctor was saying was actually getting quite scary now. The idea of the most basic ideas of the universe being ‘ruined’ and nuclear chicken pox was something Yaz never wanted to come by. The Doctor realised they were in the Solitract plane and that’s when Yaz couldn’t sit still any longer. The Doctor also says she’s scared which does not help. Yaz keeps thinking over what the Doctor is saying and realises something.

“When you put it like that it sounds like a trap.” Yaz says. The two of them share a look and start running to get Graham straight after.

It broke Yaz to watch the Doctor explain to Graham that the person he was talking to wasn’t Grace, nor a human being at all. The only way the Doctor could get Erik and Graham back inside the house was to agree to let them bring their fake loved ones. Yaz stayed by the Doctor’s side through the whole thing. If this place was a trap, she didn’t want to be tempted by anything and she knew the Doctor would be a strong enough force get her to snap out of it.

“It won’t budge!” The Doctor gets frustrated at the mirror portal not opening at her command. “It’s clever and it’s adapting!”

“What if you do something it hasn’t dealt with before? Like, reverse the polarity, or something?” Yaz throws her suggestion out to the wind.

The Doctor looks at her just like she did when Yaz suggested a sonic blast.

“Yasmin Khan,” _Please kiss me again._ “you speak my language!”

The Doctor programmed her sonic to reverse the polarity of the portal. “I think we’re good to go!”

“Nice work Doctor!” Yaz does a little jump of joy not only because her idea worked but because the amazing Doctor managed to get it to work.

But then Graham protests leaving.

“Graham! You heard what the Doctor said.” She ends up using her work voice to assert authority. Sometimes she wished she still had her uniform with her to give an extra boost of confidence.

The Doctor was starting to struggle to keep it open. Yaz knows the Doctor would make her leave and get to safety fist but she’ll be damned if she left her behind. Before the Doctor has a chance to order her through Hanne runs in to everyone’s surprise. She asks where they are and what’s happening but Yaz wants to know something else. If Hanne is here, was Ryan still in the other universe or the anti-zone?

“It’s adapted again, I can’t open it!” The Doctor shouts. This was really bad now. They had no way out. Meanwhile, Hanne rejects the version of her mum.

“Ryan? Ryan!” Hanne calls out.

“Ryan’s not here. Wait was he in the anti-zone with you?” She asks, hoping her fears weren’t coming true.

Chaos ensues after Hanne confirms Ryan is stuck in the anti-zone. The Doctor was close to starting to lose her temper and it scared Yaz a little. She was usually so calm in these situations. The Doctor explains, Graham doesn’t listen, the Doctor explains again, not-Grace meddles in Graham’s understanding. Yaz had had enough of people not listening.

“Don’t take advantage of him. You’re not Grace. The real Grace was a beautiful smiling superstar. And you know what she was above all else? She was brave. And she’d be leading the charge through that mirror.”

Fake Trine raises her hand and before Yaz can say anything else about the absurdity of the situation an immense force throws her backwards and all she can hear is the Doctor shouting her name. Her back and head hit hard rock, but there’s no time to think about that. The anti-zone was collapsing and Ryan was in here somewhere. She calls out for him when she gets up, hoping he would shout back so she could follow his voice, and he does.

“I’m so happy to see you.” Yaz throws herself at him. “Come on we need to go.”

“What about Graham and the Doctor? Did you get Erik? What about Hanne? She’s blind and will need help getting back!” Ryan grabs her arm, stopping her from running off.

“The Doctor will get all of them back but right now we need to start moving or we _will_ be buried alive.”

There’s a thud and Hanne hit the same rock Yaz did. Ryan goes to her and helps her up. She’s twisted her ankle, so the pair of them take her under their arms and get moving. Erik turns up and takes her from them, letting Yaz take the lead out.

“Flaming rocks! I’m never coming here again!” They hear Graham following them. Ryan goes to help him. Yaz started to fly ahead to the portal.

She was half trying to see the exit and half trying not to freak out about the Doctor’s whereabouts. She’d taught her how to fly the TARDIS a couple of times but not enough to pilot them back home.

“Where’s the Doctor!?” Ryan shouts.

“Coming through!” Her voice echoes through the gaps in the falling rocks. Yaz could feel herself become overwhelmed with relief and she had to remind herself that they weren’t through the other portal yet.

The Doctor falls through the mirror, closing the portal as soon as she gets to her feet. She then starts rambling again about what happened when they weren’t there but Yaz doesn’t think anyone was listening.  The Doctor walks over to them and stands at a distance in front of Yaz. Yaz wished she came closer. She also wished she was alone so that she could talk to her and tell her how terrified she was that she was going to lose her. Her gaze then switches to Ryan who was watching Graham. He didn’t know what went down in the Solitract plane yet. She looks back at the Doctor, now staring down Erik who had seen the message she had written. The room was thick with both relief and tension at the same time. Yaz found it highly disconcerting.

The next half hour not only allowed everyone to recover but allowed Graham to explain to Ryan what had happened. Yaz went off to the kitchen to get some water and leave the people who needed to talk alone.

“Are you alright?” Yaz feels the hand on her lower back before she registers the voice as the Doctors. The position of her hand forced Yaz to hide a smile. She turns around and has to lead back on the counter to make sure there actually was any space between the two of them.

“I think so. Back hurts a bit but I’m alive. Are you okay, what happened back there?”

The Doctor shuffles a little and sighs. “I worked it out diplomatically. Everything went well.”

“Why are you so sad then?” Yaz asks, picking up on the change in behaviour and tone of her voice.

“Of all the people I knew that are now dead, the Solitract couldn’t even conjure one up to tempt me to stay.”

“You said it yourself Doctor, it was a trap that wasn’t meant for us.” Yaz says, not knowing what else to tell her.

The Doctor runs her hands through her hair and sighs.  

“I really wanted to see them again.” She says, defeated. It saddened Yaz to see her like this, however, it made her feel special that the Doctor would reveal her personal emotions to her and only her.

They had started only looking at each other like they did again. Yaz wanted to tell her how she felt when she didn’t know if she was coming back or not but she considered that too heavy a topic right now. She needed something light hearted to say. Something funny, maybe, to get her to crack a smile.

“I want to hug you but I know you’ve been avoiding touching me.” The Doctor says.

Yaz right away feels guilty that she had made it so obvious that she was physically avoiding her. There also seems to be a force pulling her closer to the Doctor. Yaz extends her arms and pulls her in tight. She knows she’ll regret getting this close when it’s over, but for now, feeling every inch of the Doctor’s body against her was good enough to wipe everything else from her mind. The Doctor nuzzles her face into Yaz’s neck and she starts to feel her heart in her throat. But then, strangely, Doctor starts sniffing like a dog and Yaz thinks she might be crying for a second, but she pulls away, still letting her hands rest on Yaz’s waist.

“Are you okay? You’re letting off some very anxious pheromones.”

“Probably just left over from earlier.” Yaz dismisses her observation. “Still a bit shaken up from being thrown through the portal, you know.”

“Speaking of.”

The Doctor wets her thumb and wipes clean what Yaz assumes is some dust that came from the falling rocks away from her temple. Yaz can’t look at anything else but the Doctor’s eyes focusing on clearing her patch of skin. For a second the rest of her fingers extend as if to cup her cheek but the Doctor’s eyes meet Yaz’s and she withdraws her hand completely.

“I’m- I’m going to go get Graham and Ryan. Let Hanne and Erik get back to normal life and get back to the travelling, yeah?” The Doctor smiles.

“Yeah.” Yaz smiles and nods.

The Doctor turns around and Yaz allows the smile to fall from her face and the panic to set in. She also turns around in case the Doctor looks back and sees her like this. Yaz leans against the counter, closes her eyes and exhales. The hug she was ready to suppress her feelings about but the gentle caressing of part of her face was a whole new thing. She gently brings her fingers to where the Doctor’s thumb just was. Yaz could still feel it as if it was the Doctor’s own touch. There's only one thing she can do to stop her feeling so horrible and conflicted about this.

It’s time for her to admit that she really is in deep.


	9. Chapter 9

Yaz’s attention was taken by the slow beat of a song floating through the vents of the TARDIS. She didn’t recognise it, but it had a very 1930s-1940s Britain feel to it. Ryan and Graham were both already asleep after a long day so she highly doubted it was either of them, which only left one person. Yaz followed the noise and kept walking until, of course, she found the Doctor in the control room, swaying alone. The Doctor held her arms out for a silhouette of someone who wasn’t there and her eyes were closed. She was very much lost in her own world, until the song ends and she opens her eyes and stops when she clocks Yaz watching.

“Don’t stop because of me.” Yaz holds up her hands in surrender. The Doctor holds her head down as if she was ashamed. Yaz walks towards her to figure out what was happening. “What’s the name of the song?” She asks.

“Moonlight serenade. I think it’s beautifully sad.” The Doctor speaks quietly. Whatever she was imagining behind her eyelids must have filled her entire essence.

“Is there a reason you’re dancing alone to a beautifully sad song?” Yaz pushes further to find out what was going on. Dancing alone wasn't the strangest thing she had ever found the Doctor doing, but it had made it to the list. 

“We’ve been invited by Churchill to a dance in 1942. I haven’t learnt how to do it in this body yet so I was trying to remember how not to step on feet.” The Doctor explains. Yaz brushes aside the name drop of the person who invited them and instead decides instantly to help out. It felt like the right thing to do.

“Lead me.” Yaz holds out her arms ready for the Doctor to take her as a partner but she doesn’t budge. “I don’t care if you step on my feet.” She smiles to reassures her.

Hesitantly, the Doctor starts up the music up again, a new track this time but with a similar rhythm, and takes Yaz’s outstretched arm lacing their fingers together. The other of their spare hands rest on the smalls of each other’s backs bringing them closer.  At the start of a new bar of notes their legs start to move. They managed three steps before the Doctor was on Yaz’s toes.

“Sorry.” She apologises immediately.

“It’s okay, keep going.” Yaz encourages her.

They continue doing simple steps, slowly making their way around the control panel. Their eyes kept contact the whole time, however this did result in the Doctor stepping on her foot a bit harder on this occasion.

“Sorry.” The Doctor apologises again.

“It’s alright.”

Their dance continues for a short while but Yaz’s feet get trod on once more.

“Sorry.” The Doctor’s constant apologies were starting to grind on Yaz’s nerves. She didn’t need to apologise, it was only her.

“You know what, lets watch our feet as we move.” Yaz suggests.

Both the Doctor and Yaz look down, resulting in their foreheads resting on each other. Yaz didn’t take any notice of it at first because she was too concerned about the Doctor’s foot technique, but after a while of no accidents Yaz was very aware of how close they were to each other. She could also start to pay more attention to the lyrics in the song that was playing.

_“Everybody, loves a winner, so nobody loves me.”_

Yaz notices the clear theme of ‘beautifully sad’ was still present. The Doctor has lived so long she’s probably accumulated so many of these types of songs over the years.

_“Lady peaceful, lady happy, that’s what I long to be.”_

Okay. Perhaps this was getting a bit too relatable to how the Doctor presents herself, but they keep going. The Doctor was really getting it now and Yaz was very proud.

_“All the odds are in my favour, somethings bound to begin.”_

When the woman singing drags out the powerful note on the last word, the Doctor stops moving and lifts her head, forcing Yaz to lift her own and shift her eyes back to focus on the Doctor’s. There was something strange in the way she was looking at her. Like she had just realised something she shouldn’t have.

_“It’s gotta happen.”_

Yaz find herself becoming hyper aware of how much she’s blinking. She needs to lick her lips that had suddenly gone very dry along with her mouth but she daren’t do it this close to the Doctor.

_“Happen sometime.”_

Yaz can hear the shakiness of the Doctor’s breath, which is a thing she never though would be possible to hear. The Doctor was always so composed. What’s changed?

_“Maybe this time.”_

The Doctor lets their intertwined hands rest in the small gap between them. She gently squeezes. Yaz was lost as to what that meant.

_“Maybe this time.”_

Yaz takes her hand off of the Doctors back and brings it round to rest gently on the Doctor’s shoulder instead.

_“I’ll win.”_

Yaz couldn’t tell for the life of her if the outro of the song was naturally getting quieter or if her brain was tuning it out. The Doctor kept analyzing her face and Yaz kept analyzing hers. What had the Doctor figured out while they were gliding around the room together? For a second, Yaz has the daunting feeling that when their foreheads touched the Doctor had access to her thoughts, but she reminds herself the Doctor would never do anything like that without her consent. It must have been something with herself. Perhaps she was thinking of the last person she danced to songs like this with. Maybe even the woman she was imagining herself with before Yaz turned up.

“Thank you.” The Doctor says softly, pressing their foreheads together again.

“My pleasure.” Yaz gives her a sweet smile.

The Doctor’s nose was now brushing against Yaz’s every time she filled her lungs with the air they were sharing. For once, strangely, Yaz wasn’t freaking out about the Doctor holding her in such a way. She felt normal. Content. And, for the first time, hopeful that the Doctor felt the same.

At some point, they both end up closing their eyes. The small action enhanced every other touch that happened. Yaz though she could stay like this forever, however her body was soon reminding her she was meant to be sleeping. Luckily, she didn’t have to go through telling the Doctor she needed to go.

There was a terribly harsh crashing sound against the side of the TARDIS pulling the two women firmly back into reality. They had to grip tight onto one another so that they didn’t lose balance and fall straight onto the ground. The Doctor rushes over to the console to try and figure out what had happened when the shaking subsides. Yaz misses her touch desperately.

“Rogue meteor hit us. I’m going to have to go out and do repairs.” The Doctor explains. She seemed very frustrated with herself. Yaz does a silent prayer that it wasn’t her fault that she was acting this way.

The Doctor strides directly towards the doors of the vessel with no protective clothing at all.

“Doctor, how are you going to breathe?” Yaz finds her voice and asks after her.

“I’ve extended the oxygen field. Don’t worry about me, you go and get some rest.” The Doctor says while putting herself in some sort of harness. Suddenly, she stops. “Yaz I-“ She looks straight at her a smiles kindly. Oh no, Yaz thought; she only did that when she was feeling guilty.

“What?” Yaz asks. The Doctor chews on her words for a moment.

“I’m glad you found me tonight.” The Doctor says sincerely.

“You can thank me by saving me a song at the dance.” Yaz says casually. On the inside she was begging for the Doctor to agree to it and she did, with a simple smile and nod before double checking the safety line she had attached to herself.

Yaz decides it’s time to go back to her room, otherwise the Doctor will ask why she’s just standing there. Halfway down the corridor she meets Graham and Ryan.

“What the hell was that noise?!” Graham asks her.

“Rogue meteor. The Doctor’s sorting it.” Yaz tells them.

“Told you son, the Doctor has it under control. I’m going back to sleep.”

“You’re not in your pyjamas, what were you doing with her?” Ryan asks while grinning cheekily. Graham spins back around out of intrigue and Yaz shuffles awkwardly.

“I was teaching her how to dance.” Yaz admits. She tries to make it come across as if it was nothing, but her eyes meet with Ryan's. He totally knew. 

“Why were you doing that at this hour?” Graham speaks before Ryan could say something annoying, which Yaz is quite thankful for.

“Turns out we’re going dancing with Winston Churchill tomorrow and she wanted to practice.” Yaz gives a version of the truth as the answer.

“Blimey. Better get back to sleep then.” Graham turns back around and goes back to his room.

“Dancing?” Ryan mouths, mimicking the arm position Yaz was just doing with the Doctor while swaying stiffly back to his own room.

“Shut it.” Yaz says.

“I’m only teasing.” Ryan says in a very high pitched voice, finally disappearing from her sight line.

She knew Ryan was teasing, but what had just happened was no joke. In that moment Yaz felt more connected than ever with the Doctor, and she let herself like it. She goes to bed with a heart full the sweet, tender blonde and some very sore toes, wondering if the Doctor would ever hold her like that again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we stan the cautionary tale that is cabaret in👏this👏house👏hold👏


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for some racism and a hint of sexism honestly it hurt me to write it and it's literally a sentence, no slurs tho I don't have it in me to write that shit

“This is so unfair.” Yaz groans as she sways with Ryan in a 1940s underground bunker.

“I’m not that bad.” Ryan defends himself.

“You know what I mean.” Because Ryan was much taller than her, Yaz kept having to sneak glances to the side to check in on the Doctor, who was dancing with the prime minister. The Doctor looks over at the same time and smiles, making Yaz’s heart flutter. “I hate heteronormativity.”

“But you don’t hate me.”

“’Course I don’t.” Yaz takes another glance at the Doctor and turns back to Ryan. “I’m sorry I’m being such a downer.”

“It’s fine. I know you’d rather be with her. But, to be fair… they don’t seem to be caring that all four of us are wearing tuxedos so you might get that dance.” He shrugs.

Yaz looks down at her body and reminds herself of what she’s wearing. The Doctor did say she could wear her formal uniform if she wanted, but today she just wanted to blend in. She didn’t want to blow her own trumpet but damn, she looked good. If the Doctor didn’t feel anything for her, she should now.

“Also,” Yaz lowers her voice. “we’re pretty much the only people of colour in here, they probably expect us to dance together.”

“I know. Lots of white men.” Ryan says scanning the room. It makes Yaz giggle. “See, you’re not having such a bad time.”

“Thanks for being a good friend, Ry. I wish I could do something to repay you.” Yaz says. Ryan could make fun of her and make her feel so bad about her situation if he wanted too but he didn’t. Instead he helped her with everything, even when it’s just a dream that felt so real, she cried when she woke up and found it wasn’t so.

“There is something.” Ryan says with that recognisably cheeky tone in his voice.

“What is it?” Yaz asks.

“Last night I heard the music too, before the meteor hit. I saw you together.”

“Oh boy.” Yaz sighs.

“No, listen to me. Next time you do that forehead thing together, so cute it makes me want to throw up by the way, please just kiss her. That’s what you can do to repay me. Promise me?”

“Fine.” Yaz pretends that she hadn’t already promised herself to do the exact thing. There were enough signs of interest, and she’s now confident that if it backfired, she would be able to fix it.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the last song of the night.” A voice echoes through the hall.

“Yasmin Khan, I believe I owe you a dance.” The Doctor appears from behind Ryan.  “You didn’t think I had forgotten, did you?” The Doctor smirks playfully and holds out her hand. Obviously, Yaz takes it, claiming her reward for getting bruised toes.

The smug look on Ryan’s face would have angered Yaz any other day but for now she’s just grateful that the Doctor didn’t forget. They assume the position; however, it was far more formal than last night. The Doctor’s hand rest higher on her back and their hands were held without fingers interlocking. It made sense, really. Other people were watching this time.

“You look good in a suit.” The Doctor tells her as the band starts up again.

“Have you seen yourself?” Yaz says as a way of returning the compliment.

“I do look amazing in a bowtie.” The Doctor says in all seriousness. “How do you like Churchie?”

“He’s… more eccentric than I imagined.” Yaz says through a wide smile. The Doctor smiles too and Yaz feels that warm, safe feeling again in the pit of her stomach.

All of a sudden, everyone in the room joins in with the song.  Everyone except Yaz and the Doctor, who wasn’t expecting it to happen.

“Sing. Everybody knows this song.” The Doctor encourages her.

“No.” Yaz refuses. She hated singing.

“Yaz you have a voice of an angel.” The Doctor says. Yaz feels her heart skip a beat and she tries to remember the last time she sang in front of anyone. Whenever it was, the Doctor must have been making it up, because she only sang for fun.

“I’m not Vera Lynn.” Yaz shakes her head.

“I know. Because she is.” The Doctor looks over to the singer and it suddenly clicks in Yaz’s head.

The Doctor hums a few bars while continuing to lead Yaz around the small area of the floor they were sharing with many other pairs of dancers. The humming quickly turns into terrible, off key singing. Every new line that came out of the Doctor’s mouth sent Yaz further into uncontrollable laughter. She was purposefully being bad, mimicking the low pitch of the male voices in the room. When the Doctor let go and let out her inner child, she was so adorable Yaz almost couldn’t take it. Yaz indulges herself and takes the Doctor in her arms. For anyone watching they would’ve just assumed that they were two grief-stricken war officials hugging it out, upset about the death of their husbands, or something along those lines. In reality, it was just two friends embracing in the middle of a room full of people. Well, two friends with a very weird and complicated relationship at the moment. The song ends and Yaz stops herself from letting the contact go on any longer. The Doctor grabs her arms before she could move back too far, and the action takes Yaz by surprise.

There it was again. That look in her eyes that Yaz couldn’t figure out. It frustrated her more than anything, not knowing the answer to something, and this was the tip of the iceberg with the Doctor. Every time Yaz thinks she knows her something new gets unveiled and sets her off track.

“Yaz-“

An explosion erupts nearby making the room shake. Yaz finds her head being covered and therefore protected from any danger by the Doctor holding her to her chest. When the shaking of the room subsides, she gets let go.

“Are you okay?” The Doctor asks, the concern plastered all over her face.

“I’m fine.”

“Not being funny Doc, but I thought the blitz finished in 1941 not 1942?” Graham says running over with Ryan.

“It did. You lot get back to the TARDIS where it’s safe. Prime minister, with me!” The Doctor runs off to take control of the situation and Yaz watches her go until she couldn’t see her anymore.

“We’re not actually going back to the TARDIS, are we?” Graham asks.

“Not a chance.” Yaz says.

“We wait here.” Ryan adds.

The three of them stay where they are, helping people calm down and get to whatever stations they needed to be at. As a police officer, Yaz felt at home. Soon the adrenaline from the initial blast wares off and the seed of tiredness gets planted in her body. Yaz undoes her bowtie and jacket and slumps down next to a cabinet with Ryan.

“Have a good dance?” He asks her.

“Yeah.” Yaz subconsciously starts to smile at the ridiculousness of the Doctor singing. But then she remembers that odd look the Doctor was giving her. “She was going to tell me something.”

“Before the bomb went off?”

“Yeah. If it is a bomb, we don’t know for sure yet.” Yaz reminds him.

“Do you think she was going to-“

“Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.” Yaz sighs. In truth she doesn’t know if the Doctor was going to say anything like what she wanted, she only hoped she was going to.

“I think she was.” Ryan says. There’s a pause as Graham passes them by.

“First the meteor and now this. What if it’s the universe telling us to stop?” Yaz thinks out loud. Any time they had got close to each other something had either crashed or exploded near them.

“Why would the universe not want it’s saviour to have love?”

“Whoa, don’t use that word.” Yaz stops him in his tracks. They were only talking about a crush here; the L word should not be being used at this point in time.

“Sorry. Too soon.” Ryan realises his mistake.

“Maybe it knows we won’t end well.” Yaz shrugs.

“Or that the Doctor will fight the universe for you and it's scared.” Ryan suggests. Yaz forces herself to repress whatever feeling it was that arose from the idea of the Doctor fighting for her.

“I say, you there! Where did the party go?” A middle-aged man in a military uniform saunters into the room. He was clearly very intoxicated if he didn't notice the impact of the blast.

“There was an explosion, everyone’s at their stations.” Ryan explains standing up. Yaz stands with him, just in case things got a bit rowdy.

“Ah, I see! Oh well, I have other ways of continuing the fun.” He starts to advance onto Yaz, making her very uncomfortable. His breath stank and his eyes wouldn’t focus on one place.

“Please step back, sir.” Yaz asserts her authoritative voice.

“I assume you charge.” He turns to Ryan. “I like the brown ones, they’re always cheaper because they’re dirty so no one else wants them.” He slurs.

“Excuse me.” A very calm and recognisable voice comes from behind the man that Yaz quite frankly finds disgusting and highly offensive. He turns around. The next thing Yaz heard was the sound of fist against face and him falling to the floor. Yaz, Ryan and Graham stand over him, jaws agape. The Doctor had never been physically aggressive before and it was a shock to see her so unbothered by punching someone in the face. “Don’t talk to anyone like that, let alone my Yaz.”

“Correction,” Ryan whispers into Yaz’s ear. “she’ll fight the universe and all racists in it for you.”

Churchill walks into the room and comes and assesses the scene. He looks at the Doctor shaking her hand at her side due to the pain, back to the body squirming on the floor, then to the three of them. He takes a long drag from his cigar.

“He’s always been a cabbage head. Probably deserved it. Good to see you’ve still got a wonderful right hook on you even as a woman, Doctor!” Churchill chuckles and whacks the Doctor’s back so hard she moves forward slightly.

“It was an unexploded bomb. All dealt with now, we should get going.” The Doctor holds out her hand but they were all still awestruck and didn’t move. “Yaz.” The Doctor extends her hand further and Yaz takes it.

She steps over the body still trying to get up from the floor and they all walk back in silence to the TARDIS. The Doctor lets Ryan and Graham in first. Churchill stops her to thank her for coming, but she doesn’t let Yaz leave her side. By the time they get in Ryan and Graham had made themselves scarce, which Yaz guesses was Ryan’s handy work.

“You didn’t have to punch him.” Yaz says softly when they reach the center of the control room. The Doctor was good with words, so why did she decide to use her fist this time?

“I wanted to.” The Doctor says plainly. "He deserved it,"

Under the lights of the TARDIS Yaz could see a spot of blood just above her collar on her neck. Yaz retrieves the bowtie from her jacket pocket and uses it to wipe the Doctor’s neck. Through the fabric Yaz could feel her pulse. It was racing like mad.

“You’re still angry about it. Forget it. ‘He’s always been a cabbage head’.” Yaz mocks Churchill's voice and words, which makes the Doctor do that scrunch thing with her face as she smiled. When Yaz is satisfied the blood has disappeared from the Doctor’s neck and onto her piece of fabric, she decides to ask the question she really wanted the answer to. “Doctor, before the bomb went off you were saying something to me. What was it?”

“I-“ The Doctor shifts uncomfortably, shoving her hands in her pockets. “I was hoping you wouldn’t ask me that.”

“Do you not want to say?” Yaz asks, trying to stop her heart from sinking to her stomach completely.

“No, I still want to tell you. I just can’t find the words anymore.” The Doctor starts to walk away.

“Then show me.” Yaz says in an attempt to reel her back to her.

The Doctor approaches her slowly, giving Yaz the time to realise what she might have just unleashed with her words. Her nerves were starting to rise up again and make her mouth go dry. The Doctor holds either side of her face with her hands ever so gently and with the lightest touch that Yaz has to visually check if they were actually there. The Doctor leans and leaves a delicate yet lingering kiss on Yaz’s forehead. Yaz thinks it’s a bit anticlimactic until she notices her head change position. Her brain immediately tells her to slightly part her lips and reach around the Doctor's waist. She could feel how unsteady the Doctor’s breathing was by how the air felt against her lips. It became clear that the Doctor was waiting for Yaz to do something first but Yaz had to take her time. She couldn't just do what Ryan said and go for it, this meant too much. 

“Doctor, Graham’s got…”

Yaz and the Doctor jump apart and Yaz keeps moving around the control panel with her hand on the back of her head. Her heart beat so hard against her rib cage she could hear the blood rush to her ears making them ring. She was too much of a mess to hear what Ryan was saying, and it seems so was the Doctor.

“Sorry, Ryan, could you repeat that?” The Doctor coughs awkwardly.

“Graham’s ended up with some glass stuck in his arm, we were next to the drinks stand when the bomb went off. Can you help get it out?” Ryan explains and requests the Doctor’s assistance. Didn’t he realise that she was the one that needed the Doctor most right now?

The Doctor passes Ryan but not without glancing back at Yaz, which Yaz assumes is her checking to see if she was okay. Ryan catches on and Yaz watches him and pin points the second his face drops.

 _“Were you two…”_ Ryan mouths the words and kisses the air. Yaz shakes her head. _“Were you going to?”_

Yaz nods and Ryan’s face sinks even further.

“Ryan, get some tissues!” The Doctor calls for him and like an apologetic puppy, he follows.

When left alone, Yaz starts to feel a bit dizzy. So much had happened in the last twenty-four hours she can’t tell if she was dreaming or not. She knew she wasn’t, but in some ways, she wishes she was, because now everything was going to get complicated. They were either going to have a conversation about what was happening or totally ignore it until they were in a place like they just were again when they can start where they left off. She doesn’t know which is worse, or even, which is going to be worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's slowburn, did you really think a kiss would come only 10 chapters in? lmao you have yo put up with my writing for much longer


	11. Chapter 11

The act of carrying on as normal is a lot easier when there is a common enemy. Now that Tim Shaw was gone and everyone was saved, Yaz was back to avoiding being alone with the Doctor. She couldn’t bring herself to get into that situation, no matter how much Ryan urged her to. However, the Doctor seemed to be avoiding her too. There was one point while Yaz was making some food in the TARDIS kitchen when the Doctor came in, immediately saw her, and walked back out again without stopping. Yaz didn’t think it was rude. She understood. She wouldn’t have known what to say either. Two weeks of not having time alone together had done some good for Yaz. She had managed to rationalise any and all feelings towards the Doctor and her little ‘condition’, as she had nicknamed it, was much easier to manage now.

“Mate, come and check this out.” Ryan calls for Yaz from upstairs in the house he shares with Graham. They were all visiting home to get some different clothes and do some washing. Yaz follows the sound of Ryan’s voice up the stairs and into the bathroom. “In there.” Ryan practically pushes Yaz inside making her stumble.

“Graham I don’t actually think there’s anything wrong wit-“ The Doctor turns around and stops talking when she sees Yaz. Realising this was a setup, Yaz turns back to walk out but she gets pushed further inside again.

“You can come out when you’ve talked.” Ryan says before swiftly shutting the door and locking it from the outside.

They’d been duped. Yaz felt like she could have killed Ryan there and then, or even better hung him out the TARDIS by his underwear for the ultimate wedgie. There was no point in trying to open the door because she knew he’d have to be outside to let them out. She had to accept that this was happening. During another time Yaz would’ve quite liked the idea of being locked in a room alone with the Doctor, but now it was tainted. Awkward. Undesirable. But happening nonetheless.

“He took my sonic.” The Doctor says, right as Yaz thought it might be the way to get out.

She takes a deep breath and turns around to see the Doctor already sitting on the floor, leaning her head back against the bathtub defeated. Being forced to look at her reminded Yaz how much she liked her and it was painful. However, this conversation was going to happen, she hoped it wouldn’t be as bad as she imagined.

“Hello.” The Doctor says with a small smile.

“Hi.” Yaz says back.

“Come and sit with me?” The Doctor asks. Yaz could never resist those hazel-green eyes, so she did.

There was some silence. Both of them knew what they needed to say but neither wanted to speak first. Yaz found the situation eerily similar to something children would do when they were holding a grudge. But there was no grudge between them, only a feeling that couldn’t be described.

“So…” The Doctor says.

“So…” Yaz says not knowing how else to reply.

After about ten seconds of no one continuing the sentences, the Doctor laughs to herself.

“Why are we like this?” The Doctor asks shaking her head.

“I have no idea.” Yaz tells her. She could feel the Doctor staring at her after her answer, so she turns her head to look at her.

"I'm good at talking. I always talk. Once I was entered into a conversational contest that- actually that's a story for later. Talking is brilliant, you know that. But for some reason I couldn't be in a space with only us two." The Doctor says.

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.” Yaz says quietly. She didn't want her apology to be brushed off as nothing serious.

“Me too. I was scared I’d say something stupid.”

“You rarely ever say things that are ‘stupid’.” Yaz nudges her side with her elbow.

“Oh, I know. I meant I didn’t know how you were feeling so I didn’t want to approach you and say the wrong thing.” The Doctor explains. “Still a bit socially awkward.”

“You’re talking to me fine right now.” Yaz reassures her.

“That’s because you’ve said you’ll be with me whatever happens.” The Doctor says with no hesitation. Something in the back of Yaz head was telling her to say ‘I love you’ in that moment, but Yaz pushes it down. That can wait for another time. Another time in the far, far distant future.

Yaz gets the overwhelming notion that she should kiss the Doctor in that moment as well  but has to restrain herself from acting on it. Just because she wanted to didn’t mean the Doctor did as well. If she did it now and got rejected it would just lead to more mess. Instead, she simply rests her head on the Doctor’s shoulder. She thinks about how ridiculous this whole thing was. They almost kissed and then avoided each other for almost two weeks because they couldn’t figure out what they wanted to say. So what? They should’ve continued as normal and maybe they now wouldn’t be stuck on the floor of Graham and Ryan’s bathroom.

“I missed feeling comfortable while talking to you.” The Doctor thinks out loud.

“Are you uncomfortable with me now?” Yaz asks, suddenly very aware that everything was not back to normal yet.

“I’m letting you put your head on my shoulder and you think I’m not comfortable with you?” The Doctor scoffs.

“Oi, don’t make fun of me!” Yaz slaps the Doctor’s knee.

“I would _never_!” The Doctor over exaggerates her expressions sending Yaz into a fit of contagious giggling.

“Back to how we were?” Yaz sits up properly again and extends her little finger as a peace offering. The Doctor smiles and locks her own pinkie around Yaz’s.

“Back to how we were.” The Doctor moves her hand up and down to replicate some form of a handshake. “You can let us out now, Ryan!”

In some ways Yaz wished she could stay in there talking with the Doctor for a bit longer. However, that would run the risk of something bad happening for them. Going from barely talking together to having a deep and meaningful conversation could be too much, especially with the Doctor’s social skills.

“But you better not be behind that door when we come out!” Yaz adds to remind him at how mad she was at the betrayal, even if it had been beneficial in the end.

“Don’t listen to her, I want my sonic!”

The lock clicks. Yaz gets up and then helps the Doctor to her feet. The Doctor leaves the room first and gives a very unimpressed look at Ryan as he hands over her favourite device. Yaz goes to follow the Doctor downstairs but Ryan was pulling on her jacket collar.

“Ow, what are you doing?” Yaz asks in a hushed voice so that she wouldn’t attract the Doctor’s attention.

“That conversation addressed nothing.” Ryan says.

“Wow Ry, thanks for the privacy.” Yaz says annoyed. She knew he was outside the door so that he could unlock it but she didn’t think he’d be so nosy to completely listen in.

“Neither of you even mentioned what happened!”

“And? What’s the big deal? We’re speaking normally again and that’s what matters.”

“Oh my days, you aren’t getting it at all.” Ryan pulls his hands down in face in frustration. “She likes you, you like her, you both almost did something about it and now you’re ‘back to how you were’ which is basically not acting on anything.”

Yaz tries to think of something to prove Ryan wrong but she can’t. She even proved it herself back there by not just going ahead and kissing her like her impulses were telling her to. What if by doing that she sent off a negative signal? No, because she still got to rest her head on her shoulder. That was enough of a signal, right?

“Look,” Ryan says in a much calmer tone now. “I’m only going off what I heard. I don’t know what goes on when the two of you are alone. Don’t overthink it.”

“Ryan,” Yaz folds her arms. “since when were you an expert on shit like this?” She asks. She acknowledged that Ryan spotted she had a crush before even she did herself, but all this extra advice was beginning to become suspicious.

“Yaz my pal, you did not see me in action in secondary school.” Ryan smirks.

“Guys! Guys, guys, guys!” The Doctor runs back up the stairs. “Big! Massive goo alien in road! Get your stuff we’re going!” She says excitedly and runs off again. “Never seen a goo alien like this before!” Her voice fades as she gets further away.

Ryan springs into action straight away while Yaz stands on the spot trying to remember where she put all her clean clothes. While she stood there wracking her brain the Doctor rushed back up, kissed Yaz’s cheek, and runs off again without a word. That’s when Yaz realised her dear friend Ryan was wrong. So, so wrong. She smiles so sweetly it almost makes herself sick. The Doctor liked her. She actually liked her, for real, and of all the people in the universe.

“Come on fam, I need you!” The Doctor shouts from the door. Yaz snaps out of her trance and goes to investigate the big, massive, goo alien that’s currently making its way down a road in Sheffield all while at the Doctor’s side.


	12. Chapter 12

Yaz sat on the end of her bed in the TARDIS, reading. It was one of their ‘down days’ today where they recovered from their pretty hefty adventures. Everything was going good with the Doctor. The Doctor herself was still very reserved with touching anyone at all so Yaz savoured every time she held her hand or touched her back as she passed her. If she were human Yaz believes it would be way easier to make some kind of move, but the Doctor was an alien and there was no escaping that. Yaz couldn’t just ask her out to the cinema or anything normal, and even if she did some other aliens wouldn’t probably get in the way. That’s why she liked the days in the TARDIS. Even if they weren’t together, she liked knowing that everything was calm.

Or at least it was calm until her door was flung open and the Doctor storms in.

“Doc-“ Yaz can’t finish one word before the Doctor is throwing away her book and pushing her down by her shoulders. She hovered over her with the most serious look on her face Yaz had ever seen on her.

“I know this is what you were imagining in Norway.” The Doctor says in such a low voice that Yaz barely recognises it as hers. The Doctor’s lips were so close yet so far. Yaz chases them but the Doctor doesn’t allow it.

“Please, no more games.” Yaz says as she’s pushed back down again.

“I know what you think when you look at me. When I hold your hand and when I touch you.” Yaz feels the Doctor’s hand slowly creeping further and further down her torso. “I know you want me to touch you.” Her hand stops at her waistline. “Look at me. My face not my hand.” She orders when she notices Yaz watching, which flicks a switch in Yaz’s brain.

She wants to hold her. Bring her in close and finally let their lips meet, but she can’t get her limbs to comply.

“Please kiss me.” Yaz turns to begging to get what she wants.

“I can’t.”

“Doctor.”

“Your brain mixes experiences you’ve had in reality with your emotions to create dreams. I can’t touch you the way you want because I haven’t yet.”

Yaz’s eyes snap open. The book she was reading lay on her chest and she was very much alone in her bed. Her attention was drawn to her hand in a fist applying pressure between her legs.

“Shit. That’s new.” Yaz mutters to herself. In truth Yaz had never really thought of the Doctor in that light up until then. She was always so soft with her that Yaz never had a reason to think about what she was like in bed, and she had no intention of hanging onto the thought any longer today.

But she couldn’t forget it. Of course she couldn’t. The dream was so vivid and felt so real it might as well have happened. Yaz needed to tell someone about it, obviously the only person being suitable would be Ryan. She makes her way to his room where she knew she would find him. What she didn’t count on was finding the Doctor with him.

“First place! I’m quite good at this!” The Doctor says, thoroughly happy with herself.

“Doctor, you realise that you’re the bottom screen, right?” Ryan says.

“Wha- oh no!” The Doctor says as sound signifying the end of the race buzzes.

“Are you two really playing Mario Kart?” Yaz says walking into the room and closing the door behind her.

“Oi, don’t bash Mario Kart, Yaz.” Ryan says.

“You alright Yaz, you look a bit shaken up?” The Doctor notices.

“Had a strange dream that’s all.” Yaz places herself next to the Doctor. It was like an unspoken rule now that whenever they sat as a group Yaz would be next to the Doctor.

“Since you’re telepathically linked, I can get the TARDIS to play it back on the screen if you-“

“No!” Yaz protests what the Doctor was suggesting. The way she said it made the Doctor and Ryan look at her with even more concern. “No thanks, I mean.” She smiles to put them off the scent.

Oh no. Her scent. The Doctor can smell pheromones and she’s sitting right next to her. She’s going to know.

“Right Ryan, I want a rematch now that I have moral support.” The Doctor turns her attention back to the screen. 

“Uh, if anything Yaz should be supporting me.” Ryan argues.

“I don’t owe you anything.” Yaz scoffs.

“Are you sure about that?” Ryan mumbles but it doesn’t stop Yaz from hearing it. She gives him a death glare.

“Doctor, pass me the controller.”

“Hold on, you can’t play for her!” Ryan says, realising he now had proper competition.

“Watch me.”

The Doctor hands over the controller with a certain glimmer of amusement in her eyes before bringing her legs up onto the bed to cross them. It meant that her knee was resting against Yaz’s thigh which made it much harder to concentrate given the sequence of events in the last hour. Of course, Yaz thrashes him, and on Rainbow Road of all courses. When her character crosses the finish line the Doctor throws her arm up and cheers to congratulate her. Instead of her arms going straight down after the moment had past, they get wrapped around Yaz’s shoulders and pull her even closer into her side. The Doctor kisses her jaw making Yaz’s breath hitch.

“Suck it, Ryan!” Yaz says playfully to focus her mind on anything but the Doctor.

“Alright Yaz, calm down It's only a game.” Ryan says. Out of the corner of her eye Yaz sees him roll his eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me boy, I thrashed you fair and square.” Yaz laughs.

“Ooof burn.” The Doctor joins the banter.

“Are both of you just going to keep laughing or what?”

“Aw is little wyan sad that he wost.” Yaz mocks Ryan as if he were a child.

Ryan smiles in disbelief and starts throwing pillows at them, telling them to get out. Still giggling, Yaz and the Doctor get up and leave, getting pushed the final step by the last pillow to the back. So long as Yaz keeps laughing, so does the Doctor. When it starts to subside, Yaz realises she was holding her hand. She let go out of instinct.

“Yaz, that dream you had…” The Doctor starts and Yaz prepares herself for what might come next. “who was it?”

“I’m not telling you that.” Yaz shakes her head but she can’t help but smile at remembering.

“Was she hot?” The Doctor smirks.

“Not telling you that either.” Yaz folds her arms as if to put a barrier between herself and the Doctor’s questioning.

“Yaz I didn’t mean to pick up on it, you know I don't mean to, but I kind of got the sense she forced herself on you. Did that happen?”

“Nah, you’d never do that to me.” Yaz sees the look of realisation on the Doctor’s face before she notices herself what she had revealed. “You- I- I mean she wouldn’t- it wasn’t-“ Yaz tries to cover her back but the cat was already out of the bag. “It was you.”

Yaz can’t bare to look the Doctor in the eye. This was more than embarrassing. It was throw-me-out-into-the-vortex-right-now painful. She was doing so well at hiding it from her up until now. She knew that she would know the general gist of it involuntarily considering how close she was and how soon ago it had happened but she thought she was tighter lipped when it came to secrets. 

“Right.” The Doctor says rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet.

“Right.” Yaz says, still not moving her eyes up from the floor.

“Look at me.” The Doctor says. Yaz feels her heart skip a beat and her eyes instantly flick up on hearing the Doctor say those words in reality and not a dream state.

The Doctor’s mouth was moving but there weren’t any words to be heard. Yaz had so much she wanted to say; that she was sorry she let it slip, sorry that she had just made it weird, that she wants her to just forget anything happened and she guessed the Doctor was feeling the same. Yaz watches her mouth continue moving and her body keeps rocking back and forward and back and forward until the rocking turns to steps and Yaz finds her back hitting the wall behind her as the Doctor approaches her. There was no hanging around this time. No gentle pause and no hesitation. They were only a centimeter from contact when the wall turned out to be a door that was being opened. Yaz falls back and the Doctor tumbles down with her, managing to place her hands either side of Yaz to not crush her completely. There’s a second of awkwardness while they look at each other and process the situation before they hear Graham’s voice.

“I’m not even going to ask.”

The Doctor takes one last look at Yaz under her before getting upright and holding out an arm to help Yaz up. Yaz silently wished for her to look her in the eye again but there was no way it was happening. Once they were both up, the Doctor apologises to Graham for intruding and walks away.

Yaz doesn’t see her for the rest of the day, no matter how hard she tried to search for her. It was like the TARDIS was shifting rooms on purpose to give them space. It frustrated Yaz so much that when she got back to her room after searching, she couldn’t help but kick the wall and have a small cry. It was getting too much to handle. If something didn’t happen soon, she doesn’t know what she would end up doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the Doctor topped and that's how you spot a dream from reality


	13. Chapter 13

Yaz was hungry for many things, but at this point in time it was just for a late night snack. She had started to realise that she was more of a night owl than everyone else. Everyone except the Doctor, of course. Yaz wasn’t expecting to see her in the kitchen of all places in the TARDIS but there she was, standing by the oven, managing to not burn food for once. Although, Yaz was suspicious at how hot the room was and that the Doctor’s coat was in a ball on the floor in the corner. She takes the frying pan off the hob and as she turns, she sees Yaz watching her from the door way.

“God, Yaz!” The Doctor jolts, her arms flail and she almost drops everything she was holding. “Didn’t see you there.”

This was the first time they had been alone together since they fell on each other and went into unofficial hiding. Yaz didn’t want to mention it, the Doctor didn’t want to mention it, so they hadn’t talked about it and had no intention to do so. Yaz had come to peace with that.

“Came for some food.” Yaz explains her reason for being there and makes her way to the fridge.

“What do you want to do tomorrow? You choose.” The Doctor says, shoving some food in her mouth.

Unsatisfied with the selection of foods to choose from, Yaz closes the fridge door and turns back to face her. “Why don’t you go somewhere you want?” She suggests. She always liked when the Doctor got excited about a place she knew of.

The Doctor dramatically shrugs her shoulders and starts to walk backwards to rest her hands on the counter. Except the direction her hands were heading was not to the counter surface at all. Yaz tries to tell her but it was too late. The Doctor’s right hand hit the hob, still scorching hot from where she had been cooking and she yelps.

“Shit!”

“Sit down, I’ll get the cream.” Yaz goes directly to the cupboard she knows the first aid kit is kept and pulls up a chair directly opposite the Doctor, her brain going into work mode. To get as close as she needed, Yaz lets the Doctor place her knees between her legs.  “Let me see.”

The Doctor extends her arm and lets it rest on Yaz’s thigh, palm up. She was definitely burnt but it didn’t look too serious. It was probably only a first degree but it was enough to cause some significant pain if it wasn’t treated. Yaz opens the pot of cream and gently starts to rub it in.

“Ow!” The Doctor hisses when the cold cream makes contact with the damaged skin.

“Stay still.” Yaz uses her other hand to hold onto the Doctor’s wrist to stop her from flinching. “What were you cooking?”

“Human comfort food.”

“Is Ryan or Graham sick?” Yaz asks, picking up on her specific descriptor of ‘human’.

“It’s for me.”

“What’s wrong?” Yaz inquires, suddenly concerned for the Doctor’s wellbeing.

“There’s a girl.” The Doctor says. Yaz stops massaging in the cream for a split second as she acknowledges that this was going to be about her. This was happening. “I really like her, and it’s taken me a long time to accept that, truly. But every time I think something might happen it goes wrong, and I don’t see why I should bother.”

“She probably feels the same.” Yaz says, still not looking up.

“Sometimes I think I should just call it off with her if it keeps turning into a mess.”

“What if she doesn’t want that?” Yaz says, not allowing a pause after the Doctor’s words.

“I need her to tell me what she wants.” The Doctor flips her hand so that it was holding onto Yaz’s. Now not having an excuse to be distracted, Yaz is forced to meet her gaze. It was hard to not just break down there and then. “Tell me what you want.” The Doctor pleads.

“You.” Yaz says almost immediately after the Doctor asks her and without needing to think at all.

It seemed to be all that her brain could come up with. ‘You’. That’s all her brain had been coming up with for well over a month regarding the Doctor. The Doctor herself was silent, which sent Yaz into a spiral of paranoia. She thought she might be thinking of a way to break it to her that it couldn’t happen. Yaz would have to leave the TARDIS and this way of living forever. She knows she wouldn’t be able to live and travel with her if she couldn’t be with her, and that broke her heart. But Yaz was strong. She would move on at some point.

The Doctor hunched over to get closer. “It won’t be easy.” She says quietly.

“I know.”

“Do you?”

The Doctor looks at her with so many conflicting emotions it almost scares Yaz. Hope mixed with fear alongside desire and desperation. Yaz doesn’t know anything about the Doctor’s romantic history but she gathers that it must have been chaotic just from the look on her face. Luckily, Yaz knows exactly what to say to dismiss any doubt. She takes her free hand and rests it on the Doctor’s shoulder, gently brushing the crook of her neck with her thumb.

“I trust you.” Yaz says with all the sincerity in her heart. The Doctor sits there blinking rapidly before smiling at her.

“Do you really?” The Doctor presses her forehead against Yaz’s.

 _Next time you do that forehead thing together…please just kiss her_.

In order to act on Ryan’s words echoing through her head properly, Yaz shifts her body forward and ends up on the Doctor’s lap through circumstance. She doesn’t allow herself the time to overthink it. Yaz tilts her head stiffly to the side, luckily not clashing with the Doctor who might have moved too, if she wasn’t completely frozen. Their lips meet with little to no movement at all, and Yaz fears she’s read the signals all wrong, until she feels the Doctor’s arms fold around her waist.

The Doctor pulls back her head slightly which makes Yaz realise she hadn’t been breathing for at least ten seconds from anticipation. They both take a quick breath not wanting to waste any more time, both having the constant fear of something interrupting. The Doctor has a sudden burst of confidence, resulting on Yaz being completely led by her and swept away like a school girl. Yeah, Yaz thought. This was how it was meant to feel. Soft. Slow. Warm. Nervous but yet not afraid. Safe. She didn’t want to discredit the poor guy but in comparison to the Doctor, Danny Biswas was not worth climbing through a window for.

“Yaz…”

“Whatever it is that you’re going to say, don’t tell me that we shouldn’t have just done that.” Yaz says, scared that the Doctor might be having regrets.

“I wasn’t going to say that.” The Doctor says through a smile. “Yaz, I don’t think Graham and Ryan should know that we did this.”

“Why not?” Yaz asks. If anything, Ryan deserved to know more than anyone.

“Because then they’d always be watching. I want it to be just us for a while.” The Doctor says gently running her hands up and down the sides of Yaz’s body. Yaz liked the feeling of her touching her, but she had convinced herself that this was all a dream. Nothing could ever go this smoothly together when they were awake.

“Hey, why won’t this door open.” Ryan’s voice comes from the other side of the wall. This really was not a dream. Yaz slides off of the Doctor’s lap and unlocks the door. Strangely, she doesn’t remember ever closing it let alone locking it.

“Soz Ryan, I set fire to my coat so the TARDIS automatically sealed the room so she could put the location specific extractor fans on. Then I burnt my hand, so Yaz is helping me treat it.” Yaz goes back to her chair and sets herself up as to look like she was applying the burn cream for the first time. The Doctor had thought quickly on her feet and it had worked.

“Yaz didn’t make you burn it by pushing you up against the hob to snog you by any chance?” Ryan says sauntering over to the fridge.

“No!”

“Never!”

“Gross.”

“How could you even insinuate?”

“Chill.” Ryan says with his carton of chocolate milk in his hand. “It was a joke.”

“We know.” Yaz lies. If she had had a drink in her mouth she probably would have spit it out in shock.

“Just playing with ya.” The Doctor does finger guns at Ryan but genuinely hurts her hand in the process by curling her other fingers into her palm.

“Baby, don’t-“

“Baby?” Ryan and the Doctor question Yaz’s choice of words at the same time but for very different reasons.

“What’s wrong with that?” Yaz pretends as if she’s always called the Doctor ‘baby’ in a platonic way.

“Nothing.”

“I’ve never heard you call her that before, is all.” Ryan says with a suspicious glint in his eyes. Yaz shrugs it off and reapplies the burns cream onto the Doctor’s hand as Ryan leaves.

“Baby?” The Doctor reiterates her question when she is confident that their friend was gone.

“It just slipped out.” Yaz defends herself.

“I’m thousands of years old.”

“It’s a term of endearment, smartarse.” Yaz grins.

“Is that one too?” The Doctor smirks.

“You’re unbelievable.”

“I thought I was your baby?” The Doctor says. While Yaz was left speechless at her wit, the Doctor steals another blissful and tender kiss.

“You’re really making up for lost time.” Yaz says when they eventually break away from each other.

“I’m a bit overwhelmed if I’m honest.” The Doctor laughs nervously.

“It’s going to be hard keeping it from them.” Yaz says, running her hand through the Doctor’s hair in an attempt to calm her down.

“At least the TARDIS gave us a barrier.” The Doctor says, glancing over to the door. Yaz assumes that means that the machine closed and locked it to keep their secret.

“Are you going to eat that comfort food or are you going to leave it to get cold?” Yaz asks, swiftly remembering the food that was now just sitting on the side. The Doctor shakes her head and smiles at her.

“I don’t need it anymore.”


	14. Chapter 14

“Jesus, that was a stressful day.” Graham laughs deliriously. Today had been their first ever encounter with a Dalek. Frightening, but as a group they could defeat anything.

“For real though, where to next?” The Doctor asks all of them.

“The homeware store to replace my chair.” Graham says. The destruction of his chair must have been playing in the back of his mind the whole day for that to be the first thing he said.

“I can fix that for free. It’ll be another short jump but I think she can handle it.” The TARDIS screeches and groans for a few seconds before landing again. “Come on Graham. Only takes a few minutes. Ryan, don’t touch anything. Yaz, make sure Ryan doesn’t touch anything.” The Doctor instructs them as she and Graham walk past and out the door. Yaz could've sworn she winked at her, or maybe she was just wishing it.

Yaz walks over to be with Ryan. It would be weird if they conversed from opposite sides of the room, and from the look on Ryan’s face he seemed to have a lot to say.

“Why doesn’t she trust me yet? You’ve literally been allowed to fly it and I can’t even touch anything.” He huffs.

“Because I’m her favourite.” Yaz rubs salt into the open wound that was Ryan’s ego. The Doctor would never actually admit to having favourites, but Yaz found amusement in watching her friend get wound up. Especially as he does it to her all the time.

“How’s the big fat crush going? I haven’t heard anything from you for a while.” Ryan asks.

“Nothing much.” Yaz dismisses his questioning.

“Or have I not heard anything because something’s happened and you’re keeping it a secret? I saw how you were looking at each other today.” He smirks.

“How was I looking at her?” Yaz asked, worried that she wasn’t being subtle enough.

“All heart eyes and shit. She also knew the passcode for your phone. Are you sure nothing happened in that kitchen?” Ryan pretends to punch her shoulders in a playfight. That’s how Yaz knew he knew something was definitely happening and there was no point in hiding it as planned. “Did she kiss you?”

“No.” Yaz says.

“Man, that’s disappoint-.”

“I kissed  _her_.” Yaz tells him. She bites down on her lip and grins to set Ryan’s imagination running for the fun of it, just to see what imaginative and absurd scenario he would come up with.

“Get it girl!” Ryan’s voice goes so high Yaz thinks only dogs will hear it if it goes any further up in pitch. “Did she cry? I bet she cried. What was it like? Did you french her? No, that's too far, don't answer that. I'm just excited for you.”

“No, she didn’t cry and I’m not telling you anything. And don’t tell Graham.”

“Why not?”

“Because we don’t want you two prying. Plus, it will be funny to see how long we can go without him noticing.”

“Now that I agree with.” They stand there smiling for a few seconds. Yaz felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She could never keep something like this from Ryan, who were they kidding? He’d helped her though the entire process of falling for the Doctor, he was practically part of it. “I’m happy for you mate.”

“Thanks Ry. I promise to keep you updated from now on.” Yaz offers.

“Just leave out the saucy bits. Can’t be dealing with that.”

“We’re nowhere near that yet.” Yaz shakes her head, folder her arms and laughs at the possibility.

“Stop lying, it’s obvious.” Ryan wrongly persists.

“I’m serious.” Yaz says, looking him dead in the eye.

“Really?” He catches on.

Yaz shuffles on the spot. “We’ve only ever kissed once.”

“And that was how long ago?”

“Chair’s fixed.” The Doctor says running back in, stopping Yaz from discussing whatever she was going to say next.

The truth was they were back to the small touches and glances only again. It was like the Doctor was scared to touch her and when she did, she didn’t want to go too far. At one point Yaz thought it might be her; that she had done something wrong or she said something too forward, but Ryan reminded her that she could never do anything wrong in the Doctor’s eyes. The longer it went on, the longer Yaz assumed that that was just how the Doctor worked.

“That took no time at all.” Ryan says bemused.

“There’s a reason it’s called a sonic screwdriver not a sonic sonic.” The Doctor steams past them and pilots them all back into space. When the TARDIS steadies herself again, the Doctor slows down in all of her movements and lets her head hang low. “Listen, I need some time to kind of go over what happened, if that’s okay.”

Graham and Ryan get the gist of what the Doctor was saying and agree, but Yaz can tell that something was wrong. It was in the way she was holding herself that caused concern. Yaz had never seen her so distraught with herself and it was heart wrenching. She'd promised herself that if something was wrong with the Doctor she would never leave her side.

“Go and talk to her, looks like she needs a hug.” Ryan whispers in her ear. “Want a tea, Doctor?” He asks.

“Go on then.” The Doctor says not looking up from the panel. Another sign that something was up.

Ryan and Graham leave and the Doctor doesn’t address why Yaz was still there. Yaz felt content in that she hadn’t been asked to leave with them. She makes her way over to her. When the Doctor doesn’t acknowledge her presence, Yaz slides her hand across the top of her back.

“What is it?” Yaz asks gently. She didn’t like to mix work and personal life, but sometimes the sensitivity training came in useful. There was no sign of the Doctor opening up so she tries again. “Think out loud. I know that helps you.”

The Doctor stays quiet. Yaz was just about to give it another shot when she finally speaks up.

“I’m never truly free of the Daleks. They just come back again and again and again and again and I have to stop them every time.” The Doctor’s hands seem to involuntarily curl into fists. “I want them all dead. In another life I would’ve let Ryan’s dad die, pushed him out even, if it meant he took the Dalek with him. I’m ‘The Doctor’, I’m supposed to help and cure people and wanting to kill them all makes me just as bad as them.”

Yaz gets hold of the Doctor’s face to make her turn to look at her. She looked so ashamed of herself. Yaz didn’t know enough about her past yet nor did she know what kind of a person she used to be but it obviously haunted her. She always made sweeping comments about how she’s trying her best to be kind and she always tried to see the best in people.

“But you didn’t. You saved him, you saved Lin and you saved the entire planet.” Yaz teases out the Doctor’s fingers from her balled up fists until she can hold her hands properly. “I’m proud of you.”

The Doctor tilts back her head and exhales a long shaky breath before looking back at Yaz. Her eyes glisten under the lighting of the TARDIS and Yaz realises just how vulnerable she was with her in that moment. A tear falls when she blinks. This was the first time she had ever seen her cry from an overwhelming level of emotions. Yaz wipes it away with her thumb and brushes some blonde locks behind her ear.

“You’re amazing and I’m so proud of you and how you dealt with it all.” Yaz reiterates.

“Stop saying that.” The Doctor sniffs. Yaz leaves a lingering kiss on her cheek and pulls her into a hug.

“I am proud of you and I’m going to say it until you believe it.” Yaz says.

Her mum did this kind of thing with her when she was scraping the bottom of the barrel of self-confidence. Repeat it until you believe it, she would tell her. It worked in the end but it certainly took quite a few years.

“I want to kiss you again.” The Doctor tells her, making the butterflies in Yaz's stomach flutter.

“What’s stopping you?” Yaz asks.

“Well right now I’m crying and snotty, that’s gross.” The Doctor laughs and wipes her nose with her coat sleeve, which makes Yaz laugh too.

“I don’t care. Emotions are good.” She pulls back her head so she could look at the Doctor. “Proves you’re nothing like a Dalek.” Yaz wrapped her fingers around the Doctor’s suspenders to stop her from potentially running away. She had a habit of doing that when things got a bit emotional between them.

The Doctor gently places a small kiss on Yaz’s lips and it relaxes them both. Yaz caresses the Doctor’s cheeks to wipe away any liquid that was left on her skin before draping her arms around her neck to bring her back in. This hadn’t happened since that night in the kitchen but it still had the same effect on her. The way the Doctor’s lips felt against hers made her skin tingle. No, not tingle. It was more like an itch that the Doctor relived every time their lips made contact. Yaz chased her every time she moved away. She didn’t mean for it to happen, her body did it instinctively. She felt like she was floating and never wanted her feet to touch the ground again. The Doctor’s hands rest on Yaz’s hips, under her jacket but on top of her floral shirt. Yaz liked how considerately cautious she was about touching her but all it did was remind her of how much she didn’t usually make contact with her skin. She had no intention of stopping her from doing anything because she didn’t know when this would happen next.

“Oh, blimey. Um.”

Graham’s voice made every part of the both of them freeze. They open their eyes at the same time and see each other thinking the same thing. So much for keeping it from them.

“I knew she would cry at some point.” Ryan mutters under his breath.

Yaz untangles herself from the Doctor but ensures to take her hand for the same reason she clung onto her suspenders before. Graham stood there with a cup of tea in the Doctor’s special mug, obviously intended for her. Ryan stood by his side with an incredibly smug look on his face. Graham’s eyes flicker between the two of them while they wait for him to say something.

“So how long has this-“

“Okay, bye.” The Doctor interrupts Graham’s question.

“No you don’t.” Yaz tugs on the Doctor’s hand, bringing her back to her side and stopping her from escaping the inevitable. She looks at the Doctor, admittedly now with a very grumpy face on her, and then turns her attention to Graham and Ryan. “About three weeks.” She says. At least that was how long it had been since their first kiss.

“Right.” Graham nods. “So you weren’t, you know, when you fell on top of each other into my room?”

“No.” Yaz answers.

“Wait, what!?” Ryan says shocked. Yaz never had the chance to tell him about her dream nor what happened when the Doctor found out.

“It was nothing.” The Doctor says so that they didn’t have to explain. She also gives Yaz’s hand a squeeze. Yaz looks at her and sees how uncomfortable she is with the whole situation and feels sorry for her. Yaz herself is just thankful that the boys hadn’t walked in on anything else that might have happened. “Can we-?”

“Oh, yeah, sure, I’ll uh- I’ll leave this here.” Graham places the mug down on the floor by his feet and then nudges Ryan to leave again with him. Ryan went willingly but not without quirking his eyebrows at the pair of them.

“That wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened.” Yaz tries to speak positively.

“I wish they hadn’t seen that. I hate public displays of affection.” The Doctor lets go of Yaz’s hand and runs her now free one through her hair.

“To be fair on yourself, it wasn’t public when we started.” Yaz rationalises the Doctor’s line of thinking.

“Suppose not.” The Doctor shrugs. She shoves her hands into her pockets and twists from left to right. “I didn’t hate it when we were alone.”

“I quite liked it too.” Yaz can feel herself blushing. The two of them stand there grinning stupidly at each other, not knowing what else to say.

“Bloody hell, listen to us we’re like two teenagers.” The Doctor laughs heartily, walking away backwards. Yaz was too busy watching the Doctor’s beaming smile to reminder her that she still technically had ‘teen’ at the end of her age. She was always trying not think of the age difference.

“Doctor, you should probably look where you’re walking.” Yaz warns her.

“Don’t want to stop looking at you.” The Doctor says making Yaz’s cheeks burn even hotter.

“For miss ‘I hate PDA’ you don’t half say sappy things.” Yaz addresses the Doctor’s sudden flirtatious behaviour shift with a smirk.

“There’s a lot more where that came from.”

“Really?”

“Yup.”

At the same time the Doctor speaks there’s a clatter and some sparks fly up from behind her. The Doctor crouches down protecting her head and Yaz sees the source of the problem. The cup of tea was completely spilt.

“I told you, you should look at where you’re walking.” 

“I know! Don’t get clever, that’s my thing.”

Yaz watches the Doctor scurry around cleaning up the mess she had made with great adoration. Only the Doctor could unintentionally turn flirting into an electrical safety hazard. That was just how the Doctor was, and Yaz shouldn’t have to worry about the lack of contact, because that was also just how the Doctor was. They both know they like each other and that was enough. At least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot I had an essay draft due this week so if you want me I'll probably be fucking around procrastinating on tumblr or smth. Next chapter by saturday at latest. Also I’m very glad you all liked the last chapter so much, made my heart go !!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw descriptions of getting beaten up, I guess

“Doctor?”

The flash of light had stunned all three of them. Yaz, Ryan and Graham were walking with the Doctor, only about twenty meters away from the TARDIS parked on the space station, when it happened. She had vanished into thin air with absolutely no warning.

“Where’s she gone?” Graham asks.

“The fuck was that?” Ryan Joins Yaz at her side, right where the Doctor was there just seconds before.

“We all saw that light, right?” Yaz double checks with them.

“Why didn’t it take you too?” Ryan asks.

“I don’t know.” Yaz says. Why wasn’t she taken? Was the Doctor even taken at all or was it something else? Still, the light had engulfed her and she was still here. She makes an effort to secretly pinch herself to make sure.

“Doc, you can come out now if this is some kind of joke.” Graham speaks to the surrounding air. There was no movement and no sign of her.

“Ryan, where is she?” Yaz asks, starting to get nervous. The Doctor would never take off without telling her.

“Don’t start panicking.”

“I’m not.”

“What do we do?” Graham asks.

"Back to the TARDIS.” Yaz decides. “It’s like a save point.”

“But what if she comes back here?” Ryan suggests. He had a point.

“Who says she’s coming back?”

“Graham!” Ryan shouts at him before giving him a look and pointing silently at Yaz.

“Don’t pussyfoot around me.” Yaz warns him. She doesn’t want to be tip toed around because her and the Doctor have a thing going on. A not-quite-defined-yet thing. “I’m fine. I’m a police officer.”

“You’re also a human with feelings.” Graham adds.

“Yaz you go back to the TARDIS, we’ll wait here and-“

“No!” Yaz interrupts Ryan’s instructions. “I’m staying with you, we can’t split up now.”

“Yaz if something’s happened to her-“

“Ryan I am not as delicate as you perceive me to be, only because I lo-“ Yaz stops herself. She swallows down the lump in her throat and ignores the looks of surprise on the boy’s faces. “Just because I love her doesn’t mean all my skills in a crisis situation disappear.”

“We should probably start searching for clues.” Graham says after a few moments of shifty looks between them all.

Before they could establish a plan there was another flash of light with more of a blue tint this time. Once her eyes had adjusted again, Yaz saw the Doctor standing there. She couldn’t help but become overwhelmed with relief, not that she was completely worried. The Doctor hastily rips off whatever the device on her wrist was and stomps on it, taking them all by surprise with the never before seen aggression.

“Cheap and nasty time travel.” The Doctor mutters, swiping its remains up from the floor so that the technology wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands. While Yaz watched she spotted red speckles of something on the Doctor’s knuckles.

“Where’d you go, Doc?” Graham asks cautiously. He must have noticed the dots too.

“What does it matter? I’m here now.” The Doctor says blankly. She hasn’t looked at Yaz since she got back, which was odd. Yaz was usually the first person she greeted after being split up.

The Doctor pushes past them all with her eyes dead set on her blue box. Yaz shares a look with Ryan. Something was wrong, very wrong. She was so excited to explore this space station and now she seemed to be limping back to the safety of home. Yaz watches her walk the whole way, thinking that she would look back and hurry them along with her, but she didn’t.

Yaz takes initiative and follows the Doctor back to the TARDIS and not knowing what else to do, Ryan and Graham follow her. They get into the control room and she seemed to have disappeared again.

“Where is she now?” Ryan says throwing his arms up.

“I’ll find her.” Yaz tells them.

Yaz looks in the obvious places first. The library, then the Doctor’s room, then Yaz’s own room with no luck. In the end she finds the Doctor topless and staring at herself in a wall sized mirror in one of the bathrooms. Yaz’s immediate reaction was to look away but her eyes were drawn back to force her to acknowledge the damage. There didn’t seem to be any patches of white left on her skin, only variations of yellows, purples, blacks and blues. There were some healed cuts and some fresh scattered all over her stomach and back.

“What happened to you?” Yaz reaches out carefully but the Doctor swipes away her hand.

“Don’t!” The Doctor raises her voice. She sees her knuckles up close and so does Yaz. It was blood for sure, barely dried. “Please, don’t.”

“I’ve seen it now, you have to explain. There’s no hiding it.” Yaz says while the Doctor rushes to clean her hands. She watches her scrub with a rough cloth more and more without slowing down. “Doctor you’re going to take your skin off.”

“Three years.” The Doctor throws the cloth into the sink. “Three years without my TARDIS, three years without you. Three years being beaten to the point of regeneration and then given time to recover so he could start again.”

“Who?”

“Krasko.” The Doctor says. “He tracked me down. Wanted to give me a very clear message.”

“I thought you said he couldn’t harm anyone.” Yaz says confused.

“He ordered some other guy.”

“Did he rape you?” Yaz asks, hoping to eliminate the possibility.

“No. Why would he?” The Doctor says as if what Yaz had asked was a stupid question.

“You’re a woman and he’s a bigot.” Yaz explains.

“Well he didn’t, they only did this.” The Doctor waves her hand up and down her torso, including part of her legs which would explain the limping.

“How did you get out?”

“I killed them.” The Doctor turns to Yaz and gets right up in her face. “Both of them. I beat them with my bare hands. I murdered a man who couldn’t defend himself physically and considering what he’d done to me I enjoyed it. Are you scared?”

“Are you trying to scare me? I know you’re angry and you’ve been through some shit but you don’t have to do the broody ‘I’m dangerous’ shtick with me.” Yaz’s words snap the Doctor out of whatever trance the adrenaline was keeping her in. She became small again and all aggression left. The Doctor lets herself drop to the floor, wincing as she does.

“We can’t do this.” She says defeated.

“Do what?” Yaz asks. The Doctor reaches up and takes Yaz’s hand to bring her down to the floor with her. She had a look in her eye that told Yaz everything she didn’t want to hear. “Don’t do this to me.”

“The more people I encounter and annoy the more danger you’re put in.” The Doctor tries to speak softly.

“I knew that when I signed up to travel with you. We all did.” Yaz attempts to get the Doctor to backtrack her decision.

“Yaz we need to stop this.” The Doctor says more firmly.

“I don’t want to stop traveling with you!” Yaz says.

“You don’t have to. We just need to set boundaries.”

“I don’t want boundaries.”

“We need them.” The Doctor insists.

“No!” Yaz was so frustrated she almost shouts. “No, you want them. Why?”

“I am older than you can comprehend and you are a nineteen-year-old girl. It’s incompatible.”

“It doesn’t matter and that can't be your entire reasoning.”

“It will when I next regenerate and you’ll be left with a different body standing in my place. That’s if you don’t die before then.” The Doctor says, turning her head to look away.

“What exactly did he say to you?” Yaz asks. She can't have come to this decision all by herself. Maybe Krasko threatened her to say it or something.

“Just do this for me. Please.” The Doctor begs.

“Will there be a chance in the future?” Yaz asks, realising how serious this was. They were really about to agree to throw everything away.

“I don’t know.” The Doctor says, her eyes cold.

Yaz was finding this far more emotional than she expected it to be. She didn’t think she would be this emotionally invested after such a short time but here she was trying to look unbothered when really, she felt like crying. Her arms go to wrap themselves around the Doctor’s body. Despite how gentle she was being, the Doctor was still clearly in discomfort, but she let her do it. It was like a final farewell for something that had all the potential but never the chance. Yaz swears to herself that this was not the end, at least not for her. She was still partly in denial. Whatever Krasko had done or said to her would wear off and they’d be able to start again. That's right, it was just a blip. Or at least she she wished it to be so, because at the moment she didn’t feel as safe and comfortable in the Doctor’s arms like she usually did.

“I’m sorry I led you on.” The Doctor says quietly. "You didn't deserve that."

“I’m not sorry.” Yaz says, resting her head on her shoulder. “How long will it take for all this to heal?” Yaz asks. She’s not quite sure if she was asking about the Doctor’s injuries or if she was referring to her own heart.

“Two weeks. Maybe a month.” She says.

“It took a day last time.” Yaz says recalling the damage from her witch trial.

“To fix half an hours’ worth of damage, not three years.” The Doctor says. She was starting to get back to her normal self. The Doctor sighs. “Three years, one hundred and fifty-seven days.”

“You counted.” Yaz says surprised.

“I wanted to know how long I could go without you.” The Doctor says. Her words pull on Yaz’s heart muscles. She has to stand up to stop herself sinking into the floor.

“You can’t say stuff like that and then tell me we can’t keep going.” Yaz says shaking her head.

“I’ll talk to you later. About what we can and can’t do.” The Doctor suggests.

“Sure.” Yaz tries to smile but it doesn’t seem to come. To hide her embarrassment, she leaves without looking back.

Closing the door behind her the whole situation hit her like a tonne of bricks. Surely everything couldn’t simply be erased like that completely. Yaz had only just said the three words she had been avoiding for a while and felt okay with it. How could this be happening?

“Did you find her?” Graham asks walking towards her.

“Yeah.” Yaz says, composing herself and pointing at the door behind her. “It was Krasko. Reared his ugly head again. She was gone five minutes for us, three years for her.” She explains. Yaz notes the way Graham was looking at her.

“Are you alright, kid?”  He asks.

“It’s seeing her like that, you know.” Yaz says through the growing lump in her throat.

Graham hugs her without warning. He hugged like her own granddad hugged before her died and it brought Yaz some comfort. It also allowed her to hide her face. She was never like this. All of this emotion bubbling up and over into reality was something that very rarely happened. It was almost like the Doctor and their weird, out of place interaction had broken her. The Doctor had had three years to think it over while Yaz had had no time at all.

“There you are Doctor! What happened?” Ryan says approaching them. Yaz lets go of Graham and sees that the Doctor was trying to sneak out behind them without being noticed.

“Show them.” Yaz tells her. It would be cruel to keep them in the dark.

The Doctor looked like she was about to argue with Yaz but she didn’t. Instead she lifted her shirts up to expose her stomach which was enough to evoke some gasps. She explains what happened to her. Ryan gets truly angry while Graham tries to reiterate the positives; that she was home and safe now and the perpetrators were gone.

“Yaz, you’ve got a lot of playing doctor to do with that.” Ryan jokes but he unintentionally opens a whole other can of worms and it’s evident on both hers and the Doctor’s faces.

“That wouldn’t be appropriate, Ryan. Not now.” The Doctor says walking away. She had left both the boys confused and turning to Yaz, wanting answers.

“That was weird, what did she mean by that?” Ryan asks.

“Whatever we were, it’s over.” Yaz mutters

She couldn’t bring herself to look either of them in the eye. Both of them, especially Ryan, had been rooting for the two of them to be together and it seemed their hopes and dreams for the pair of them were just as crushed as Yaz’s. Yaz herself still hadn’t totally come to terms with it. Her brain was still trying to process everything the Doctor had told her; that she thought of getting back to her everyday she was being beaten while simultaneously deciding she couldn’t go through with whatever their relationship was. It was such a contrast of information that Yaz couldn’t help but hope that one of them was fake, and she didn’t care which.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh you thought it was all fluff and softness from now on?? y o u t h o u g h t
> 
> (to be honest it's not going to last long because I hate it too, I don't know why I wrote it)


	16. Chapter 16

“Wake up!” Ryan shouts pulling Yaz out of her sleep.

“Five more minutes.” Yaz grumbles and turns over, away from his voice. How did he even get in here? She had locked her room before she went to bed. Unless, the TARDIS opened it for him, like the sneaky machine she was.

“Nope. No more of this moping around. We’re going out.” Ryan says. He pokes her forehead forcing her to open her eyes and bat away his hand.

“The Doctor’s still recovering.” Yaz says sitting up.

“Yes, but it’s been a week and she’s bored. You would know that if you actually left this room.” Ryan says. Yaz rolls her eyes.

“I’m not getting changed in front of you.” Yaz tells him, waving him out.

“Does that mean you’re coming?” Ryan smiles.

“Yes. Leave please.” Yaz orders him.

Ryan jogs out and Yaz lays back down in bed, preparing herself to face the music. She liked being in her own solitude with no interruptions but she knew it couldn’t last forever. The whole time she had locked herself away though, she hoped the Doctor would magically come in and take back everything she said, but she never did. As for Ryan’s comment about moping she has to wholeheartedly disagree. She wasn’t moping, she was relaxing. Only, by herself and in a single room. Yaz drags herself out of the comfort of her soft sheets and picks up the closest pair of fresh smelling clothes.

“Still alive then.” Graham teases to greet her in the control room.

“It’s not a crime to take time for yourself.” Yaz teases back to keep up joyful appearances.

“Mood.” The word comes out of the Doctor’s mouth but Yaz is in disbelief at her using slang. She turns to Ryan.

“Did you teach her how to use ‘mood’?” She asks him.

“Maybe.”  He grins cheekily.

The casual energy in the room prevents any possibility of awkward tension. If Yaz stuck with Ryan then he would be able to diffuse anything from cropping up. Not that Yaz didn’t want to spend time with the Doctor, she just thought it to be a more sensible idea to have a neutral party at her side to help her. Or even just to distract her.

“What’s the plan then Doc?” Graham asks.

“I promised you a space station, so we are getting a space station!” The Doctor cheers and skips around her machine, pushing buttons and pulling levers making everyone else rush to catch their balance. The TARDIS stops spinning after a minute and the Doctor is the first to rush out the doors.

“Ooooh fun! Arcade station!” The Doctor says running back in after checking. “You’ll all need credit sticks.”

The Doctor lifts up a panel in the floor and starts rummaging. She throws all sorts of things over her shoulders for Yaz, Graham and Ryan to dodge. When she stood up, Yaz could see that she was still in some pain when she moved. Yaz guesses that it was more painful for the Doctor to be bored. She hands them some shiny silver sticks after giving them a blast from the sonic. When she passes Yaz’s to her, her finger tips brush against the back of Yaz’s hands. It was something she would’ve dismissed and not noticed a week ago, but now it pulls on her heartstrings.

“How do these work?” Ryan asks, fiddling with the device in his hand.

“Different for every one of them, I think. Should be an instructional video above each game. Come on!” The Doctor says wasting no time to get going.

The first thing that hit Yaz was the flashing lights. Bright and flashing. She’s glad that none of them suffer from epilepsy. The second thing that hits her are the sounds. Parents and children laughing and having fun alongside the spinning of wheels and clinks of coins. It was loud but a good kind of loud. A happy loud. The whole atmosphere of the place screamed joy and happiness. Apart from the smell. It was very apparent that engine oil was in good supply and burning fumes.

“Meet back here in four hours.” The Doctor tells them.

Ryan and Graham pair off leaving Yaz behind which is exactly what she wasn’t planning on. She wanted to call after them but she feels the Doctor’s hand on her shoulder. She’d missed that feeling.

“Yaz do you hear that?” The Doctor asks.

“I can hear a lot of things, you’ll have to be specific.” Yaz says.

“It’s like… it’s like a…” The Doctor starts to wander off. Yaz had to make a snap decision; follow the Doctor of go to the safety of Graham and Ryan. She doesn’t want the Doctor going missing again, so goes after her. “Thought so.” The Doctor says, crouching down as if to pick something up.

“What is it?” Yaz asks.

“A baby!” The Doctor says spinning around, holding it in her arms. She grinned so wide it could have almost been described as being as big as the baby’s head.

It couldn’t have been any older than nine months old. Who could’ve left a baby alone in an environment like this? Anyone could have found her there and taken her, she was lucky that the Doctor could hear her and tracked her down.

“What’s you’re name then?” The Doctor asks and the baby gurgles. “Evie, that’s a lovely name.” The Doctor looks at Yaz and picks up on her confusion. “I speak baby.”

“You speak baby?”

“I speak baby.” The Doctor reiterates. She finds herself and Evie a spot on a nearby bench. “She says she’s been abandoned, and I quote ‘by the bad smelling one’ and is ‘quite happy to be rid of her’.” The Doctor says. "You know you shouldn't speak about your mum like that."

Yaz sits down next to them. “Is she okay?”

“She’ll be fine when we get her to a station official.” The Doctor says.

The baby had her hands tightly gripped around the Doctor’s thumbs as she sat facing her on her lap. Yaz watches the Doctor smile and make faces at her adoringly. There seemed to be an air of parental duty around the Doctor, but it could easily also be the Doctor’s nature to help everyone she comes across. Yaz brushes some of bright blonde hair out of the baby’s face to reveal her bright green eyes. She looked like a mini Doctor in all honesty. Evie makes some noise and the Doctor says ‘mood’ again. Yaz wonders how long that will stay in her vocabulary before she started using it the wrong way.

“She looks like you, you know.” Yaz says.

“My children had brown hair.” 

Yaz’s attention gets ripped away from the baby and redirected solely to the Doctor. The Doctor was a mum, or rather a dad. It explained a lot.

“You had children?” She whispers.

The Doctor says nothing and ignores Yaz’s question, but she couldn’t ignore the sudden look of sadness on her face. She simply keeps playing games with Evie, pulling faces and going on as normal. She obviously didn’t want to go into it and Yaz thought that fair enough. There was no point in dwelling on the ghosts of her past. The baby starts to become unsettled and begins to cry.

“Well that’s rude.” The Doctor says. She turns her head to look at Yaz and starts to pick the baby up to pass her over. “She says she wants the pretty one.”

“Oh, no, Doctor, I’m not good with-“ Yaz starts to slide away.

“Yes, you are."

"Doctor, I'll drop it."

"She wants you.” The Doctor forces Evie into her arms. As soon as Yaz touches her she stops crying. “Told you.”

The hands with impossibly small fingernails hold onto Yaz’s fingers. She had two tiny teeth poking out from her bottom jaw every time she smiled at her. She was so small, so innocent and naïve to the world. There was no doubting it that she was cute. Yaz greets her with variations of ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ every time she looks at her face, not know what else to say. It wasn’t her fault she couldn’t speak baby. She’d never really paid attention to children. Except one time at work she was called out to a school because some kids had been smoking weed in the toilets at lunch time and she had to give the drug talk.

“Do you want children one day?” The Doctor asks, as if she could read her mind. She also puts her arm around the back of the bench so that she could get a better look at the little girl. If anyone walked past, they might be mistaken as a family.

“Maybe. I haven’t really thought about it.” Yaz says. It had always been school first and then career. Everything else Yaz didn’t really care for. She liked taking things one step at a time.

“You’ll find someone.” The Doctor says while stroking Evie’s cheek. Yaz needed to look at her. Did she not realise that she was the someone that could give her everything she wanted? The Doctor catches her quite blatantly staring. “Someone that’s not me.”

“You still think that’s what you want?” Yaz can’t help but ask.

“It’s what’s right.” The Doctor answers. Evie makes a very disapproving gurgle. “Don’t you start.”

Yaz turns her attention back to Evie so that the Doctor couldn’t read her facial expressions. The Doctor on the other hand took to staring in front of her. Her stare wasn’t blank; it had a variation of emotion behind it that Yaz couldn’t decipher. Yaz thought there might be doubt, but then that was most likely her own hope speaking.

“Hey! Who’s this?” A woman they don’t know approaches them. “Oh, you’re adorable. Are you having a good time with your mummies?”

They both shift on the bench very uncomfortably.

“We’re not… we just found her over there.” The Doctor explains. Yaz couldn’t bring herself to say anything so she kept entertaining Evie.

“Do you know where the station official is?” Yaz asks the stranger.

“Tourists, are you?” The woman laughs. “I can take her, I’m headed there now.”

Yaz double checks with the Doctor through a look to see if she trusts her before handing the baby over. The woman seemed legit and Yaz passes over Evie. She makes a sequence of noises and waves over the woman’s shoulder.

“She says ‘goodbye pretty one’.” The Doctor whispers in her ear.

“Tell me she’ll be alright.” Yaz says.

“Yeah, she’ll be fine.” The Doctor says slapping her knees and standing up. “You on the other hand have got attached.”

“Who doesn’t get attached to sweet babies that give you compliments.” Yaz stands too, smiling to brush off any sadness and rejection she was feeling. “Doctor.” Yaz says, stopping her from walking away. “Doctor I…” Yaz was going to say it but the look on the Doctor’s face was telling her not to. Almost like she knew. “I want to go home. Just for a visit.” Yaz changes what she was going to say.

“Cool with me.” The Doctor shrugs and turns to walk away again without a second thought.

Yaz was left alone again. She sets off in the opposite direction to find Ryan. Hopefully, he’d be so enthralled by one of the games it would let Yaz forget everything that had happened. Interacting with the Doctor wasn’t what it once was to her. It was all stiff and broken. Only an unknown baby could get them to talk together properly. When Yaz visits home, she’ll decide whether she can keep doing this. For now, she’ll lecture Ryan on why candyfloss is terrible for dental hygiene until he is suitably annoyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> captain najia of the good ship thasmin speeding into port to get shit done next chapter


	17. Chapter 17

“Hi mum!” Yaz throws herself into her mother’s arms and hugs her tight. It was exactly what she needed.

“Sweetheart, I only saw you yesterday.” Najia laughs rubbing her back.

“I know.” Yaz steps away to make sure she wasn’t being too suspicious.

“Doctor and Ryan as well! Good to see you too.” Najia says quickly giving them a hug each. Yaz had forced Ryan to come with her and the Doctor sort of just invited herself. Graham went home to have what he called ‘drama less peace and quiet’. “Have you eaten?”

“Yes mum.” Yaz says.

“Good because we have too and it’s your day to wash up.” Najia walks into the main part of the flat leaving Yaz to remember that when she’s at home she has to continue as normal and do chores if she wanted to continue living rent free.

“Tough luck mate.” Ryan giggles pushing past her.

The Doctor follows Ryan leaving Yaz to drag herself over to the kitchen sink. She puts on the rubber gloves and runs the tap up to temperature. That’s when she realises her mum is being suspiciously quiet. She looks at her. Najia had her arms crossed and a knowing smirk plastered on her face that Yaz grew up to hate. She knows that look. It was the one she always whipped out when she thinks she knows something but she’s usually only partially right so Yaz can twist it so that she never knows the truth.

“What?” Yaz asks.

“Why is she looking at you like that?” Najia asks and Yaz starts scrubbing a plate as if the question hadn’t bothered her.

“Like what?”

“Like she’s worried about you.” Najia whispers.

“She’s not worried about me.” Yaz scoffs. She doesn't notice her scrubbing becoming angrier. 

“I don’t believe that.”

“You don’t know her mum.”

“I know she’s annoyed you.”

“She kissed me and we had a thing going but she’s called it off and I don’t know why and I don’t understand why she’s so closed off and it’s been eating away at me so you can stop looking at me funny.” Yaz lets it all out in a sudden burst.

She couldn’t be bothered to play her mothers games today. She didn’t want to keep feeling like this and it was best to get it out of the way instead of extending it for longer than it needed. There was something about being on Earth and with her family that made her comfortable, no matter how much they annoyed her. Yaz calms down from her hushed outburst and passes Najia a plate to dry but she wouldn’t take it.

“Mum, dry the plate please.”

Najia kept looking at her. She hadn’t said anything yet in response and it was beginning to worry Yaz. What if she actually wasn’t okay with her being into women and all her jabs were just out of desperation for her to start dating?

“Doctor.” Najia says looking at Yaz but as soon as the last syllable had left her mouth she was walking over to the Doctor.

“Mum, what are you- no, mum, mum, do not- mum!” Yaz hisses after her.

“Yes, Yaz’s mum?” The Doctor says cheerfully.

“Najia.” Her mum corrects her.

“Right, sorry.”

Yaz can’t believe what’s occurring in front of her eyes. She shoots a look at Ryan who clocks on immediately that something was up.

“I’m gonna go help wash up.” He says to excuse himself. “What’s happened?” He asks when she reaches a suitable distance to speak quietly enough that only they would hear.

“I just told her everything and she now she’s gone to talk to her.”

“And?” Ryan shrugs, not envisioning the bigger picture or the implications.

“And I don’t know if she’s going to give her a scorning or if she’s going to tell her something embarrassing about me! Ryan this is a terrible situation I should never have let her come.”

“Dude, chill.” Ryan says taking the bunch of cutlery out of her hand that she was waving around. “Your mum’s cool and she knows you. She won’t say anything bad.”

“But what if she doesn’t think it’s bad but then it comes out as really really bad, what then?”

“Yaz, look at them. Does it look like they’re going to have a fist fight anytime soon?”

Yaz glances over her shoulder. The Doctor and her mum seemed to be getting on just fine, having a seemingly normal conversation. Nothing was out of the ordinary. She could only really see the Doctor but she was smiling one of her genuine smiles which makes Yaz wonder even more as to what they’re talking about.

“Hi Ryan.” The highly recognisable voice that was her sisters appears from behind Yaz.

“Sonya.”

There’s a pause where Yaz expects her sister to say hello to her too, but the greeting never comes.

“Still single?” Sonya asks.

“Bye Yaz.” Ryan says, practically sprinting out of the flat.

“Nice one dipshit.” Yaz tells her. “You can help dry now.”

“Sure.” Sonya says. However, her eyes were glued to her phone screen and she was walking away in completely the wrong direction.

Now not only was Yaz stuck with the Doctor and her mother getting cosy she was also left alone to do other people’s washing up. It was like the universe had a personal vendetta against her today. Yaz does all of the washing and drying, because she’s a good kid and she does as she’s told when she’s told. Maybe if she wasn’t such a rule follower, she would be able to challenge the Doctor’s decisions more. She usually did. It was just this specific scenario that was far too personal for her to meddle with.

Yaz was so wrapped up in her own mind that she doesn’t realise that she’s run out of things to wash. The Doctor was still in deep conversation with her mum, so she manages to slip away to her room. It was exactly how she left it. Of course it would be, in this reality she’d only slept in it last night. No sooner had she laid down on her bed the Doctor was knocking at her door.

“Can I come in?” The Doctor asks.

“You never ask to come into rooms, you just do.” Yaz says. She doesn’t move herself or sit up, because it was her room in her home and it was the only thing that made her feel totally secure.

“I’m trying be considerate.” The Doctor says. “I just wanted to ask when you wanted to get picked up again. You know, how long you want to stay at home and stuff?”

Yaz turns her head to look at her and sees her hands in her pockets. That meant she was trying to be reserved and hide emotions. Yaz didn't like it when she did that.

“Give me a month.”

“A month?” The Doctor says. If Yaz wasn’t mistaken she swore she could’ve detected disappointment in her tone.

“Please.” Yaz confirms her request. Her plan was to have a decent chunk of time to do normal things like go to work and have a regular routine. Hopefully that would give her time to get to get over the Doctor and if she didn’t, she’d have to decide if she actually wanted to go back. “But you have to come back.”

“I will.”

“Good.”

“Guess I’ll see you later then.” The Doctor says after a pause.

“Yeah, see you later.” Yaz says. It was better than saying ‘goodbye’. That word felt too permanent.

Yaz watches her turn and walk away. She wanted to know what her mum had said to her but she didn’t need the Doctor to tell her. Once she’s gone, she’ll go and see her. The Doctor opens the door, takes one step through, turns back around and shuts it behind her.

“You know what, I don’t think I realise how much unsolved stuff I have in my head and how it affects the people around me.” The Doctor strides back across the room as she speaks and lays down next to Yaz. Yaz feels herself tense up from how close she was. It was because she didn’t want to get her hopes up.

“I think this goes against the boundaries you set.” Yaz reminds her.

Yaz watches the cogs turn inside the Doctor’s head while she was thinking. The way the Doctor was looking at her was something she had never seen before. The Doctor was taking the time to consider something, but what? Her hand reaches out and the tips of her fingers trace Yaz’s jawline. At this point Yaz has no clue as to what was going on.

“Forget the boundaries.”

“Huh?” Yaz says, not believing what she was hearing.

“Yeah. Fuck them. I don’t want boundaries, I want you.”

“Don’t play with me.” Yaz warns her.

“I mean it. Fuck the boundaries.” The Doctor shuffles closer on the side and for the first time ever she initiated a kiss without talking to Yaz about it first.

Yaz thought this was never going to happen again due to the Doctor being so adamant about being separate that her actions took her by surprise. She doesn’t know if she should touch her or if she can touch her. She wants to but she doesn’t know if it will end well. This was all too much. Yaz feels herself starting to cry.

“Yaz, no, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-”

“No, it’s fine I just- everything’s happening so…” Yaz’s sentence tails off while she wipes away the tears falling down her cheeks.

“I can leave.” The Doctor offers.

“No, you’re staying.” Yaz droops her arm over the dip in the side of the Doctor’s torso. “Please just stay with me.”

And the Doctor did stay. She stayed with Yaz in that room for the rest of the evening. Talking, explaining and listening to what each other had to say. Yaz made it very clear that everything she’d done was a dick move. The Doctor tried to give an outline as to why she was so afraid to try and make it work but it was too heavy for Yaz to listen to. They both decide it’s a conversation for another time, but they make sure to talk about the main issue so that it doesn’t harbour inside them and cause a problem later on. Najia walked in at one point to say goodnight to Yaz. Apparently, she didn’t realise that the Doctor was still under her roof but she seemed fine with it when she clocked the smile on her daughter’s face. The only time they were separate was when Yaz left to have a shower. She came back to find the Doctor cross legged on the floor, fiddling with her lamp.

“What are you doing?” Yaz asks. The Doctor flicks a switch and the lamp emits a light exactly the same colour and warmth as in the TARDIS.

“So that you can feel like you’re there for the month you’re not.” The Doctor says, placing it back on the bedside table and sitting up on the side of the bed. Yaz sits down next to her.

“You think I’m still staying here?” Yaz asks.

“I thought that was what you wanted.” The Doctor says with a furrowed brow.

“Don’t you think we’ve wasted enough time?” Yaz asks, tucking her head into the Doctor’s shoulder. She had missed being this close to her so much. Today she smelt like the overwhelming amount of sugar in a sweet shop.

The Doctor reaches and pulls Yaz’s legs up onto the bed and over her lap as if she were cradling her. Yaz snakes her arms around the front and back of the Doctors chest and the Doctor holds onto her waist. Yaz feels her kiss the top of her head softly. For the first time in a while, Yaz feels okay. They were going to be okay.

“Too much time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fyi captain najia isn't done meddling yet


	18. Chapter 18

When Yaz wakes up, she is reminded that she didn’t fall asleep alone. The Doctor was twisting her body around in all sorts of directions. Once again Yaz found her topless and trying to look at her back.

“Doctor, are you okay?” Yaz asks.

“There’s blood on the back of my shirt. I think one of the cuts might have reopened but I can’t see.” The Doctor’s voice was strained and Yaz can tell she was getting upset with herself.

“Lay on your stomach.” Yaz tells her so that she can take a look.

The Doctor shifts herself and Yaz can see the problem straight away. One of the cuts had opened up again but it wasn’t bleeding very heavily. Yaz still can’t comprehend how someone could hurt someone like this, to the point where she really should have been admitted to hospital.

“Doctor, this should really have stitches.”

“No! No hospitals. I have two hearts, they’ll take me and chop me up, especially since UNIT isn’t around to help.” The Doctor says looking over her shoulder.

“Then let me patch it up.” Yaz climbs over her and gets out of bed. “Don’t move.”

She leaves and heads directly for the first aid kit that’s always kept in the cupboard under the sink. Yaz checks that there’s surgical tape and a gauze pad. It would have been good to have some sort of alcoholic liquid to clean it with, but a domestic first aid kit couldn’t be expected to have everything. Yaz settles for a damp cloth instead. She liked looking after people like this. Perhaps she should’ve gone into nursing instead of the force.

“Morning.”

“Jesus Christ, mum!” Yaz jumps.

“Wrong God.” Najia points at the medical equipment in Yaz’s hands. “Are you hurt?”

“No, it’s the Doctor. She got… some injuries a couple of weeks ago.” Yaz explains without revealing too many details.

“She spent the night then.” Najia says sitting down at the table.

“Yes.” Yaz says. Najia does nothing, only sips her tea and checks her phone. “You have nothing to say about that?” She asks. Her mum had never been this relaxed about love interests staying over.

“Nope.”

“Really?”

“Do you want me to have a problem with it?”

“No!” Yaz says, watching her mum continue to be disinterested. “What exactly did you say to her?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you mean.”

“Mum.” Yaz pulls up a chair next to her and sits in it. Najia looks at her innocently. “Tell me.”

“Fine.” Najia sighs. “When she walked through that door, I knew something was up. She wasn’t bouncing off the walls like last time and she kept staring at you. I thought it was creepy at first but after what you told me, I figured it out.”

“And that was…?”

“That sometimes to clear your head you need to have a conversation with someone outside your inner circle. I assumed she doesn’t have many other friends?”

“Not in Sheffield, no.” Yaz shakes her head. She couldn’t say that, yes, actually, the Doctor does have friends but they’re scattered through time and space.

“I think she just wants to know how to be normal.” Najia puts her hand on Yaz’s arm. “And I think you help make her feel like that.”

Yaz sat there looking at her mother, not knowing what to say. From only two interactions with the Doctor she had worked out the thing that Yaz couldn’t see, even after almost a year of travelling with her. This was exactly what Yaz had failed to pick up on. She helped the Doctor feel normal and it scared her, leaving her not knowing what to do but run away.

“I should go and sort her out.” Yaz says.

Her mum gives her a comforting and trusting look as she walks away. The Doctor was still laying on her stomach when Yaz came back with a very glum look on her face.

“I got the stuff.” Yaz says, catching her attention.

“I hate not being well.” The Doctor complains dramatically about the situation.

“You are healthy, you’re just a bit beaten up that’s all.” The Doctor squirms as Yaz uses the cold damp cloth to clean up the wound. “If you’re that annoyed about it couldn’t you use that regeneration stuff?” Yaz asks.

“I don’t want to. The worst of it’s over anyway.”

“Not this one.” Yaz says as she sticks the gauze pad over the cut. “All done.”

The Doctor twists herself back onto her back and looks at Yaz properly for the first time since she woke up. The glint in her eyes suggested that she wanted to say many things but once again couldn’t find the words. Yaz looks at her stomach, which she hasn’t seen since she escaped Krasko. The bruises were either in their final stages or gone. Some of the cuts had healed fine but the bigger ones had left some significant scars.

“Do they make me less attractive to you?” The Doctor asks, spotting Yaz looking.

“Never.” Yaz blushes.

Yaz runs her hands over some of the scarring. Something about the Doctor having physical proof of hurt made her more human. It stripped away the alien part of her. Made her normal to Yaz.

“Have you done something with your hair?” The Doctor asks. Yaz remembers that she went to sleep not doing anything with her hair, meaning it’s resorted back to its natural dark curls.

“No, this is what it’s normally like. I straighten it for work.” Yaz explains.

“But you don’t go to work anymore.” The Doctor says, still confused.

“I guess I do it through habit.” Yaz says, not failing to glance at the Doctor’s hand find its way into her hair while she sits up.

“You should have it like this more often.” The Doctor says softly.

“Is that a compliment?” Yaz asks through the grin growing on her lips. The Doctor started to go bright red.

“I mean, yes, I think, if you don’t mind, I don’t want to be weird-“

Yaz cuts off the Doctors ramblings the best way she knew how, which without a doubt was to kiss her. She tried to say a thousand words through movements. Her want to care about her through where her hands were placed on the Doctors torso. How much she wanted to say she loved her by varying the force of her lips every now and then. Yaz wanted to make her feel as comfortable as possible so she would never have to feel as if she was being ‘weird’ again. They were going to need communication to make this work, why not start off physically? The Doctor must have had the same idea because for the first time her hands reached under Yaz’s top and held her bare skin. Yaz feels the goosebumps rise all the way up her back as the Doctor pulls her to lay back down with her. Everything felt so natural that Yaz didn’t even realise she’d moved to straddle her.

“Yaz, I’m off to work but if you could- whoa, there’s a lack of clothing.” Najia barges in.

Strangely, Yaz finds herself unbothered with the intrusion. She knew this wasn’t going to go any further than what they were doing, at least not right now, so it wasn’t like there was any anger or frustration to be had.

“It’s for my injury.” The Doctor says.

“Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Najia says, evidently avoiding eye contact with the both of them.

“What did you want me to do, mum?” Yaz asks as if she didn’t know that her and the Doctor weren’t still in a compromising position.

“Take out the bins.”

“Okay.” Yaz agrees to the menial task.

“And you might want to stop whatever that is before your dad appears.”

“Okie dokie.”

“We never mention this again.”

“Fine with me.”

“Bye Doctor.” Najia says, backing up out of the door.

“Bye Najia.” The Doctor says as if the whole thing was a normal interaction.

The door shuts again. Yaz looks down at the Doctor and sees her smiling.

“You think that was funny?” Yaz asks.

“Little bit.” The Doctor scrunches up her face and it makes Yaz laugh.

“Come on.” Yaz says, begrudgingly getting up. “You don’t want my dads’ foot up your arse if he finds us like this.”

“I’m a time lord, you don’t think I could beat him in a fight?” The Doctor asks reaching for her shirts.

“Absolutely not.” Yaz laughs. As she watches her straighten out the fabric Yaz can see the giant dark red mark on the back. “Doctor, you can’t wear that.”

“Why not?” The Doctor asks, not seeing the problem.

“It needs to be washed.” Yaz heads for her wardrobe and picks out one of her comfort hoodies. “Put this on instead, just until we get back to the TARDIS.” She throws it into the Doctor’s lap. Yaz watches the Doctor pull the plain black hoodie over her head. The contrast of her blonde hair stuck against her forehead against the black of the hood was striking, but not as striking as how bright the Doctor’s face had lit up.

“This is so soft.” The Doctor grins.

“You seem happier.” The words slip out of Yaz’s mouth.

“I am.” The Doctor pulls down the hood and stands up. “Because I think you’ve forgiven me?”

“Just about.” Yaz smiles as the Doctor takes her hand. “Go and get your coat. Graham and Ryan will be wondering where we are soon.”

“Yaz, I-“ The Doctor starts but stops herself. “I-“ She tries again. “I really-“. The Doctor gives up with using words and instead just hugs her.

She was being held so tight that Yaz was scared all of her internal organs would be moved out of place, but once again there was something about the Doctor that meant she did not care. Yaz closes her eyes and lets herself be engulfed by whatever emotion the Doctor was projecting onto her. It was almost like a thank you for letting her back in. The Doctor still wasn’t good at vocalising what emotions but somehow how Yaz knew. It gave her hope that this was meant to be and they were meant to find each other. They stand there, Yaz listening to the Doctor’s breathing pattern. She sort of sounded like a cat purring while she slept in front of a fire on a winter’s night.

“What are you think-?” Yaz whispers.

“Ssshh.” The Doctor says pulling her even closer. Yaz is surprised it's even possible. “I don’t want to talk right now.”

“That’s a first.”

“Oi, watch it!”

Yaz smiles against the skin of the Doctor’s neck. Staying like this for a bit longer didn’t sound bad at all.


	19. Chapter 19

Yaz finally found the library in the TARDIS while searching for the Doctor. Books of all different shapes, sizes, languages, covers and genres were lined up on towering shelves as far as the eye could see. Yaz loved the smell they all emitted and how there was no system at all to the Doctor’s bookkeeping. She walks the isles trying to locate the one person she wants to see, trying to not get distracted by reading the bindings of the books she passes.

“Who is that?” The Doctor’s voice floats from in-between the gaps between the shelves.

“It’s just me.” Yaz calls back.

“I’m over here.”

“That does nothing for me.” Yaz mumbles to herself and follows the direction of where the Doctor’s voice came from. She rounds a corner and sees her.

The Doctor was laying on her stomach, reading on what seemed to be a brand new purple sofa. There was something about her that was different that Yaz couldn’t put her finger on. She wasn’t wearing her coat but they all saw her like that all the time. What was it? The Doctor turns her head and smiles as she notices her. It's then that Yaz realises that it was the thick black framed glasses and the tiny ponytail that were new.

“I didn’t know you needed glasses.” Yaz says leaning against the end of the shelf.

“I don’t, they just make me look smart.” The Doctor says, turning her attention back to her reading.

“How come you have so many books in here?” Yaz asks, still in wonder of the grand scale of the TARDIS library’s collection.

“I do a lot of reading.”

“You’re not telling me you’ve read all of these?!”

“Yes! I can either read super-fast if it’s a bit boring or I can take my time but I’ve read almost all of them in one way or another.”

Yaz runs her hands across the spines of the books on the shelf nearest her. All seem to feel like they had only been read once, until she reaches a small paperback. Its spine was worn and there was something about it that seemed to be pulling Yaz towards it even more. Piquing her interest, she removes it from its place on the shelf.

“Melody Malone.” Yaz reads the title and the Doctor springs up form where she was laying.

“Yaz, I have something I need to tell you if you’re going to read that.” The Doctor says, clearly nervous.

Yaz sits down next to her and places her arm around her shoulders as a way of calming her nerves. The Doctor points at the woman on the cover.

“She was my wife.” The Doctor says. Yaz picks up on her use of past tense.

“Was?” She asks softly.

“Dead.” Was all the Doctor could say.

Yaz doesn’t care that the Doctor was once married. She knows that she would never have started something with her if there was someone else on the scene. But still, this new information added another layer of depth to the Doctor’s character. Yaz twirls the wisps of the Doctor’s hair that didn’t quite make the ponytail around her finger, brushing against the back of her neck every so often.

“You can read it if you like but there’s a very complicated family dynamic and I’d have to do some explaining.” The Doctor says.

“Do you really want me to?” Yaz asks to make sure. She didn’t want to intrude on anything that the Doctor had made clear she wanted to leave in the past.

“Actually,” The Doctor says hesitantly and Yaz gets ready to put the book back where she found it. “I kind of want you to read it to me.”

“Yeah?” Yaz double checks. The Doctor rests her head on Yaz’s shoulder and brings up her knees to get comfortable. She was settling in for the long run.

“Want to wear my specs to look smart?” The Doctor asks.

“No.” Yaz takes the book and opens it up. The pages were dog-eared and some torn. It was clear this book had been through a lot, just like it’s owner. “Chapter one, the Dying Detective...”

Yaz reads as clearly as she can, keeping in mind that these were real life events. The Doctor actually didn’t turn up in the book for a few chapters. She wanted to ask what she was doing but thought it best to just savour that she was being allowed to access some of the time lords long past. The plot twisted and turned leaving Yaz in suspense and the woman next to her slumps further into the side of Yaz’s body. About halfway in the Doctor ends up laying down again with her head in Yaz’s lap. They both know how this story ends, or at least Yaz had an idea, but she wasn’t prepared for the trauma of it all. The pair barely moved the whole time, apart from when Yaz needed water and nearing the end of the book, the Doctor reached for her coat on the floor and searched in the pockets before pulling out a pair of circle rimmed glasses which she stared at for the rest of the story. Neither of them knew how much time had passed while Yaz was reading but they didn’t care. The Doctor seemed to appreciate it and Yaz enjoyed the Doctor’s interjections when something was written wrong and she would go off on a tangent.

“Are you alright?” Yaz asks after noticing the Doctor was lost in thought, still staring at the glasses.

The Doctor nods. “Thank you for reading it.”

“S’alright. Thanks for letting me.” Yaz says placing the book at her side. Her hands weren’t free for long as the Doctor takes hold of them.

“Time to focus on now, anyway. Can’t always look back.” The Doctor smiles sadly.

“Especially as you were… what was the description?”

“Baby face.” The Doctor mumbles.

“Sorry, what was that?” Yaz teases, trying to lift spirits.

“Baby face with the chin!” The Doctor laughs and rolls her eyes. “Wonder what I’ll be remembered for this time?” She thinks out loud. Yaz thinks that any part of the Doctor would be worth remembering. “Yaz?”

“Oh, that was a serious question.” Yaz realises. “Okay. Well, you uh- you have nice uh-“

“There’s nothing good is there?” The Doctor sighs.

“No, I mean, there’s lots of- you have many- I like your uh- I mean you're totally, like-“

“Yasmin Khan, are you getting flustered?” The Doctor smirks and sits upright.

It was true. Yaz couldn’t describe anything without making it either too casual or too creepy. She liked all of the Doctor’s body. A lot. But, now really wasn’t the time to get into that, especially since they were both just chilling out and being trusting of each other.

“I-“

“You totally are!”  The Doctor says in awe. Her hands reach Yaz’s sides and Yaz knows what she’s planning to do.

“Do not start tickling me!” Yaz warns her.

“Or what?” The Doctor asks.

Yaz starts to get tickled at her sides but her fight or flight instincts take over. She takes the Doctor’s wrists and crosses them over as if she were arresting a hostile suspect. The next things she found her body doing was pushing the Doctor onto her back. Her rational mind was screaming at her, asking her what the hell she was thinking, while her fight mind was telling her to restrict the Doctor from getting to her.

“Alright, I see what you mean.” The Doctor says quietly, not finding amusement in the situation anymore.

There was something in the air. Something neither of them could ignore but Yaz had no idea how to act on it. And if she didn’t know how to act on the social cue, the Doctor really didn’t. They were stuck in a loop of staring at each other and looking down at Yaz’s hands holding down the Doctor’s wrists. Everything had happened so fast that

“Sorry.” Yaz says when it finally clicks that she was still holding her down for no good reason. She lets her go.

“You have a really tight grip.” The Doctor says surprised, sitting up again.

“When you grow up having to fight Sonya off almost every day, you kind of have to.” Yaz says jokingly. The Doctor puts her glasses back on and goes to read her book again. “I am really sorry, it’s second instinct to do that.” Yaz reiterates.

“I know, I just…” The Doctor tails off.

“Just what?” Yaz asks, not wanting the Doctor to push herself away again.

“No, it’s embarrassing.” The Doctor insists.

“Did I do something wrong? Was it the book?” Yaz asks for some clarity.

“I’m still not used to having a body like this.” The Doctor looks at Yaz like that sentence was meant to help her work it all out. It didn’t, so the Doctor was forced to continue. “I think, when you-“ The Doctor crosses her wrists and imitates being paused but doesn’t continue vocally.

“Still not following.” Yaz says.

The Doctor inhales and prepares herself for the next sentence to come out of her mouth. That’s the point where Yaz starts to worry properly.

“I think this is what it feels like to be, you know…” The Doctor shrugs and doesn’t meet Yaz’s eye.

“I turned you on.”  Yaz says it at the same time she figures it out. The Doctor’s cheeks go bright red with Yaz’s words. “Who’s the flustered one now?” She teases.

“Don’t.” The Doctor throws the copy of Melody Malone for Yaz to dodge.

“You know it’s not a shameful thing, right?” Yaz asks her, shuffling up to get right by her side so that she couldn’t ignore her. “It might feel different because of your body but it’s not a wrong feeling to have.” Yaz explains, echoing the words she told herself when she first came to accept she liked girls.

“It scares me how much I’m into you. When my body catches up with my brain it’s… I don’t know what to do.” The Doctor reveals. Yaz was very flattered and felt the butterflies that lived in her stomach start up again.

“The same thing happens to me.” Yaz admits to make the Doctor feel better. She might as well tell her to make sure they’re on the same page.

Yaz feels the Doctor’s arm creep around her back and her lips meet the corner of her mouth and part of her cheek. Yaz, wanting to encourage the blonde further, turns her head so that she could be kissed properly. However, it was clear to Yaz that the Doctor was restricting herself from giving into her feelings. The only way Yaz can think of making it happen without entering another long-winded conversation was to give her something to react to. With her heart thumping in her chest, Yaz lets her hand slowly untuck the Doctor’s shirts so she could run her hand along her stomach. Just as she had planned, Yaz gets the hungry response she was waiting for, and it felt good and right.

“Are you two in here somewhere?” Ryan’s voice is heard and from the sound of it, he’s very close to their location.

The Doctor and Yaz jump away from each other and scramble to retrieve a book to make it look like they were doing what every other person does in a library. Yaz hated it. Of all times for Ryan to intervene, this was the least desirable and the most awkward. This was meant to be between the two of them and only them.

“There you are! You’d been gone for literal hours so we- glasses?” Ryan notices the new addition to the Doctor’s accessories.

“I need them to read.” The Doctor says casually.

“No, she doesn’t. She wears them to look smart.” Yaz says, revealing the truth.

“Well, her book’s upside down, so she kind of does need them.” Ryan says. Yaz hopes that it doesn’t mean they’ve been caught out.

“I like reading upside down. It’s… a challenge. Less boring.” The Doctor lies with terrible conviction. She wasn’t fooling anyone. Why couldn't she just say Ryan was right.

“Oh, then you won’t mind if I join you.” Ryan sits in the gap between Yaz and the Doctor cheerfully, not reading the room at all.

“You meddling shit.” Yaz whispers to him.

Ryan does nothing in response but try to hide a smile. Just like Yaz has to do every time she remembers what was happening before Ryan turned up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been like a week there's been cats being put down and work stuff and all sorts of shit, it's been a wild ride, almost as wild as seeing lily james and alicia vikander kiss on comic relief not once not twice but thrice just now as I write this im shaking w h a t t h e f u c k


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw drowning??? kind of, no one dies don't worry

Once again, the Doctor had landed them dead in the middle of a warzone. Yaz had been split for everyone else, but had found a kind group of kids who needed help to get across the border to get back to their parents. She had agreed to help them if they helped her find the Doctor first, but night fell and Yaz found herself sleeping in close quarters with four of the kids in some sort of cave within a cave. She wished she was in her own bed with the Doctor laying next to her solving some sort of puzzle or reading again with her fake glasses. Yaz thinks that if the Doctor was here now, she’d tell Yaz to make the best out of the experience, wile staying safe of course. She can almost hear her saying 'Sleeping in a cave! Never done that before!'. Just the thought makes Yaz smiles.

“Miss Khan?” The oldest kids whispered, interrupting Yaz’s imagination. He was only about three to four years younger than herself.

“You’re allowed to call me Yaz, Charlie.” Yaz tells him for about the sixth time that day. She’s gone from PC Yasmin Khan, to PC Khan, to Miss PC Khan, to Miss Khan in just under twenty-four hours. Apparently, all the children were raised to call people by their titles.

“Yaz, do you have a boyfriend?” Charlie asks. Yaz snorts.

“No, I don’t. Why’d you ask?”

“Because you have that look in your eye.” He smiles.

“What look?” Yaz asks suspiciously.

“Like you’re thinking about someone you love.” His words were like a punch in Yaz’s stomach. She thought that Charlie was just going to make some sort of teenage joke, not a hard-hitting statement about her emotional status. “Your face now says I’m right. Why did you say no?”

“Because she’s a woman.” Yaz tells him.

“Is she the one who you said would help us?” Charlie asks, not caring about the Doctor also being a woman at all.

“Yeah.” Yaz nods. “She never refuses when someone needs help. Especially when I ask.” Yaz smirks to show her confidence in the Doctor so that Charlie would trust her too.

“Can I be honest with you?” Charlie asks, lowering his voice again. “My parents are dead. They’re not the reason I need to get over the border. There’s…” He admits but tails off.

“I’m not here to judge, you can say why.” Yaz encourages him to go on.

“There’s also a girl I want to get back to.” He looks down at his hands and starts to fiddle with his thumbs.

“Is she cute?” Yaz prods for more information, remembering how good she felt talking to Ryan about the Doctor when she was crushing on her big time.

“Really cute.” Charlie smiles shyly. “She-“

“Charlie! Miss Khan!” A much younger and panicked voice comes running into their section of the cave. “Water! There’s water coming in! Mirri was sleeping and a wave crashed all over her.” She says as the little girl joins her side.

“I thought the tide didn’t start coming back in until dawn?” Charlie jumps to his feet, starting to panic too. Yaz joins him. They were both the eldest there, and Yaz had promised them that she’d get them to safety. She felt like she had a responsibility to uphold.

“How many of you can swim?” Yaz asks as everyone who was in the front section comes rushing in, trying to take control of the situation.

She never actually thought there was a tide because it was so far out when they arrived here to rest. Approximately three people admitted that they could swim, two of them being Charlie and herself. There were about nine other children that needed to get out. Yaz tries to come up with a plan as to how to get back to dry land together.

“Take three kids each, one on your back and then one on each arm?” Yaz suggests. It seems to be the only way. As she spoke some of the kids at the back of the group shuffled. The water was getting in. Fast.

“We don’t really have any other options.” Charlie speaks the obvious. “Youngest ones get on our backs, everyone else pick an arm.”

The first thing Yaz noticed walking into the water was the temperature. If they hung around in it for too long hypothermia would definitely get them. Yaz calls back to the rest of the group and tells them to try their best to not get their heads wet. She’s reminded how horrific war can be and the lengths these kids are being forced to go to so that they can live a safe life. As the water starts to hit her midriff everything seems to become heavier and harder to move. She looks back at Charlie and the other boy who’s name she forgets who could swim and they seemed to be struggling. Yaz got the impression they hadn’t eaten in weeks and most of their energy was coming from rest breaks while they were on the move. The shore seemed miles off compared to how it would have done when they entered the cave and everything was dark which made it even more impossible to see. The only thing that lit their destination was the fires that still burnt from the bombs that were dropped earlier in the day.

“Stick together!” She hears Charlie shout.

Yaz looks back and the other boy was starting to lose strength after just a matter of minutes. Her toes were only just touching the ground and he was a little bit smaller than her so he was probably having to start to swim. She lets Charlie pass and helps the other kid move forward by pushing him.

“What’s your name again kid?” Yaz asks. When she spoke, she could hear her teeth chattering.

“Joel.” He says, shakily.

“Keep moving, Joel, I know you can do it.” Yaz encourages him.

She notices her jaw go stiff and her clothes become heavy. She probably should have taken off the denim jacket before there was a small child on her back. She was so thankful that she was physically fit from work and running around after the Doctor all the time, but that strength could only last so long. Yaz fights through any defeatist thoughts that were starting to crop up in her mind.

“Miss Khan, my head’s almost in the water.” The young girl on her left are who Yaz thinks is called Katie says.

Yaz tries even harder to keep everyone above water. Land seemed so close yet so far and the longer they were struggling and readjusting positions the more time they were giving the body of water to catch up to them. Everything started to get unbearably hot. Yaz decides that it’s her muscles working and ignores that it might be the next stage of hypothermia. She thinks she sees Charlie coming straight at her but it was all going black. Before Yaz knew it, all she could focus on was this strange whirring sound she could swear she's heard before. She wasn’t unconscious, she knew that. She was still very aware of the sounds around her she just couldn’t see. There was also some sort of undeniable force on her lips, like she was being kissed. No, someone was blowing air into her lungs. Yaz can’t help but cough and splutter until water escapes through her throat and she’s rolled onto her side so that she doesn’t choke.

“Good girl. It’s okay, I’ve got you, you’re in the TARDIS, I materialised around you. I’ve got you, I’ve got you. I promise, I’ve got you.” Hearing the Doctor’s voice was a blessing to Yaz. She forces her eyelids open to make sure it was really her. However, Yaz’s vision wouldn’t focus so she extends her arm until it grabs onto a body. “I’ve got you.” The Doctor repeats.

“Are the others okay?” Yaz says, her voice hoarse. She needed to know.

“They’re fine, they were more used to the local temperatures so they’re just tired and cold. Ryan and Graham are sorting them out.” The Doctor explains and Yaz feels relief but the feeling doesn’t overcome the violent shivering. The way her body was turned she could see outlines of all of the people she was travelling with sitting on the floor wrapped in blankets or waiting for some. “Yaz, I’m going to have to get you out of these clothes.”

“Buy me dinner first.” Yaz says through her jaw that doesn’t seem to be able to open very far.

“If you don’t die first, I will.” The Doctor says back. Not laughing. Not smiling. Not joking.

Yaz keeps as still as possible while the Doctor peels the sopping wet clothes off her body. The thought of the eleven kids seeing her in her underwear slipped her mind as soon as it had entered it. They were good people, and they would’ve respected her privacy. Plus, they were all too busy being fed and hydrated. The Doctor takes off her coat and places it under Yaz’s body, separating her from the cold TARDIS floor the best she could before laying on top of her with all of her body weight.

“What you did was stupidly brave and admirable.” The Doctor says tucking her head onto Yaz’s shoulder.

“Knew you’d come get me.” Yaz says with shaky breath. She thinks for a moment that she'll never speak normally again “It’s what you would’ve done.”

“People die when they try to act too much like me.” The Doctor says, the annoyance starting to come through in her tone of voice. As if on cue to avoid the difficult conversation, Yaz starts coughing again. It hurt her chest with how hard her lungs were working. “Don’t speak. Try to breathe.”

“Is she okay?” Charlie comes up to the Doctor, offering one of his blankets.

“No, you need that.” The Doctor rejects his offer.

“We’d all be dead already if it wasn’t for her.” Charlie tells her.

“She’ll be fine in a bit.” The Doctor says. Yaz was starting to feel so safe and relaxed now that she knew she was home, she closes her eyes. “No! Yaz, keep them open, come on.” The Doctor taps her face to keep Yaz’s eyes open. “Help me get her into bed.”

Yaz didn’t have the energy to concentrate on anything else. She let the Doctor and Charlie lift her off the floor and carry her, although she’s pretty sure the only person touching her body was the Doctor. She’d already proven that she could be protective over Yaz with the whole ‘punching racists’ thing, so Yaz wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t letting anyone else touch her when she was this sick and vulnerable. The Doctor wasn’t done when she had placed Yaz into her bed. She put three blankets on top of Yaz before laying down to spoon her and pulling the duvet cover over the both of them.

“You don’t have to stay. Other people, they need your help.” Yaz says, still shaking slightly.

“Ryan and Graham are under strict instructions and that Charlie boy is helping, they’ll all be fine. I want to help you right now.” The Doctor says, pressing every inch of herself up against Yaz, even up to their feet.

There were many things Yaz wanted to say to in that moment. ‘Thank you’ and ‘I love you’ seemed to be the prevailing sentiments. But, Yaz knows what would happen if she said the latter. The Doctor would say she was delirious, that it was too soon to say and she wasn’t in the right mind, but she knew.

“Can I fall asleep?” Yaz asks.

“Not yet. I’ll tell you when.”

The next hour was excruciating. Every few minutes the Doctor had to make sure that she was still awake and not drifting off. Ryan came in at one point but Yaz was too busy trying to stop shivering to listen to their conversation, however, Yaz would probably be right in guessing that he was only there to check up on her and not be giving any proper updates. The Doctor’s body warmth had transferred onto Yaz and she could feel herself getting better. She knew for sure when she closed her eyes and the Doctor didn’t stop her, which meant that she was in the clear to get some proper rest. When Yaz woke up again, her hair had dried out and her muscles were sore but no longer tensed.

“Hey.” The Doctor greeted her, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “The kids are safe, I got them across the border with supplies. None of us wanted to wake you but Charlie wrote this for you.” The Doctor says, taking a slip of paper out of her coat pocket. “You’re not cheating on me with him, are you?” She jokes.

“Never. He’s actually got a lady of interest he was hoping to get back to.” Yaz says.

“Oh, the cute one with the different coloured eyes.” The Doctor describes the girl who probably met Charlie when she dropped them off. Yaz smiles out of happiness for the young lad and opens up the paper.

_Dear Yaz,_

_Thank you for helping us escape. We will never forget you nor your girlfriend for saving us. I wish that one day Emilia will care for me like she did for you (she was waiting for me at the border!)._

The end of the letter was signed with love by all eleven of them.

The Doctor slides under the covers again and wraps her arms around Yaz. “I thought I was going to lose you for a second.” She says.

“You can’t get rid of me with a bit of hypothermia.” Yaz says, turning in her arms to face her. “Plus, you took my clothes off so now you owe me dinner.”


	21. Chapter 21

“Wanna go out tonight? Earth, your time? Something normal?” The Doctor starts throwing questions at Yaz as soon as she walks into the control room and sees her.

“Go on then.” Ryan says. As he says it, the Doctor sees the both of them and Yaz watches her face drop slightly.

“Oh, Ryan. I- uh, I thought that- I only meant- it was just for- I wanted to-” The Doctor stops herself from speaking more broken sentences. She looks at Yaz and that alone seems to set her mind straight. “I owe Yaz dinner and I want to spend some time with her. Alone. If she wants.”

Yaz had never felt more flattered in her life. Technically, it was the first time someone had ever asked her out on a date she actually wanted to go on. The Doctor was smiling so sweetly at her that everything else around her seemed to dissolve. A couple of weeks ago the Doctor would have either abandoned the idea the moment she saw Ryan or changed the subject completely to ignore the fact she was wearing her emotions on her sleeve. 

“Christ. No need to start having eye-sex, I’m gone.” Ryan says, disappearing as he speaks.

“What’s eye-sex?” The Doctor asks.

“Nothing.”

“Really?”

“I’ll explain some other time.” Yaz brushes off the question.

“So, what do you say?” The Doctor takes Yaz’s hand.

“You know I wasn’t serious about buying me dinner, right? You don’t owe me anything, it was a bad joke.” Yaz says, recalling what she said in her hypothermic trance.

“Yeah but it made me think. I want to do regular things with you. Take you on a date where there’s little to no chance of something alien going wrong.”

“Like what?”

“Yasmin Khan, I need you to agree to it first.”

“Yes, I’ll go on a date with you, wha-“  

Yaz can’t finish her sentence. She was being dragged so hard out of the TARDIS that she swears her shoulder almost came out of its socket. She ran fast to keep up so that she didn’t have to let go of the Doctor’s hand for a second. She didn’t know why she expected it to be daytime but she wasn’t disappointed that it was night instead. It was Sheffield, definitely Sheffield. Yaz recognised the line of shops in the highstreet they found themselves standing in. When the Doctor said ‘Earth’ it could’ve meant anywhere but if the Doctor was in Sheffield, Yaz wanted to be in Sheffield.

“What time is it?” Yaz asks. The air was warm but the sky was pitch black.

“It’s three in the morning.” The Doctor says, starting to stroll.

“You’ve taken me on a date at 3am?” Yaz says, fully aware of all the drunk stragglers that are leaving the clubs around this time, usually having arrested most of them before.

“Yeah. It’s a good time, three o’clock. The stars are out, the majority of the human race are asleep, right now it’s summer so anyone who’s not asleep will probably be on holiday, which means we can do whatever we want with no one seeing or caring or interrupting.” The Doctor monologues.

Yaz grins. Tonight was going to be fun, even if it was just the Doctor talking to her about stars as per usual. When they were like this, together surrounded by quiet and the peace of the night, Yaz had to continually remind herself that she no longer had to fight off her feelings. It was okay to like having her hand held as they walked and to not feel guilty about it later. The Doctor had chosen to spend the time with her, which she was still wrapping her head around. What she also couldn’t figure out was how they were going to actually spend that time if it was the early hours of the morning.

“How can we do what we want when nothings open?” Yaz asks. The Doctor simply starts activating her sonic. “No! We are not using that, that’s breaking and entering!” Yaz protests.

“It’s not breaking and entering if I’m not breaking anything!” The Doctor defends herself. “Come on.” She heads for a nearby Mexican restaurant. Yaz knows she shouldn’t follow her but she can’t help but stay by her side.

“Doctor, I’m a police officer, if we get caught- if _I_ get caught by my own-!”

“What are you going to do, arrest me?” The Doctor teases and leaves Yaz speechless. Most of the time, the Doctor was never able to think fast enough on her feel to come back with such wit, but every now and then, she does. Yaz likes it. The door lock clicks and the Doctor pushes Yaz inside and swiftly disables the alarm.

The interior was still the same as Yaz remembered it to be when it used to be a pizza place. This building had new owners ever few years or so and no one really knows why. Whatever food it’s selling it usually does well with the kids after school. Seeing the red and green tiles in zig zag formation makes her think of a time she had to break up a school-boy fight during one of her first shifts. The fact that everything here reminds her of work sort of makes her wonder if she ever did have a life here before the Doctor crash landed in her life.

“What do you want to eat?” The Doctor asks.

Yaz was going to make a terrible, terrible joke of a certain nature but held back. She wouldn’t have understood it anyway. Especially since the Doctor forgets sometimes that she is a woman.

“I don’t mind. Whatever you can cook.”

“Who says I’m cooking? Team effort, come on.”

The Doctor hurries her over behind the counter and back to the kitchen. Everything that was happening was completely against Yaz’s moral compass. She doesn’t know if it’s because she’s police or if it was the fact that it was her home town that made it seem worse than when they broke into literally everywhere on every other planet.  Of course, the Doctor makes a mess as soon as she starts. Yaz thinks she’s trying to make some sort of chili. She has to help her with everything other than putting the actual food in the pan but it was fun to be the expert for once. Seeing the Doctor confused was a rare sight and Yaz was determined to take it all in. Even the small things, like the more confused she was, the more frown lines appeared on her forehead.

“Watch your hand!” Yaz warns her when it almost hits the gas ring. Again.

“If I burn it, will I get another kiss?” The Doctor asks.

“Do you mean your hand or the food? Because one of them is for sure starting to burn.” Yaz says, noticing the smell of burning filling the room.

“Uh oh.” The Doctor starts flapping her hands around like a mad scientist panicking over a mix of chemicals gone wrong. In a way, that probably was how the Doctor saw cooking.

The Doctor throws whatever she could find into some tortilla wraps along with the slightly crispy chili, quickly puts away any leftovers, wrapped up the food in tin foil and went to leave. Yaz was a bit confused. What exactly did the Doctor have planned that meant they couldn’t just sit down together for once. She locks up the door again.

“Right, saw a comfy looking bench over there.”

“Doctor-“

“Trust me.” The Doctor takes Yaz’s hand again. Neither of them speak again until they’re sitting together under the light of a warm toned street lamp.

“So, if I you had to, would you be able to name all those stars?” Yaz asks, unwrapping her misshaped burrito.

“Yup.” The Doctor says simply. “Probably. I know all the names but I’m not sure if I could physically point out each one.”

“Go on then.” Yaz encourages her.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Don’t want to.”

“What do you want?” Yaz leans against the Doctor’s side. The Doctor doesn’t say anything. “Come on, you’ve been really quiet. Like you’re out of your comfort zone.”

“I’m not out of my comfort zone. If anything, I’m…” The Doctor tails off when she makes eye contact with Yaz. “Yaz, I’m-” The Doctor gulps. Yaz doesn’t remember her having taken a bite of food. “I think what I’m trying to-”

“Oh my god Yasmin Khan? Yazzie fuckin’ Khan I can’t believe it!” A voice that hits Yaz like a tone of bricks emerges from the dark side of the street. Yaz says a little prayer, wishing that it wasn’t who she thought it was. Only one person called her that horrific nickname.

“Yaz, who’s that?” The Doctor whispers. Yaz looks down and sees she’s grabbed hold of the Doctor’s knee through reflex.

“Issy Flint.” Yaz mumbles, hoping that if she moves her mouth as little as possible then she would turn into a figment of Issy’s imagination.

“Come on Yasmin, give us some of your food like the old days.” Issy stumbles over and grabs the food out of her hand. She was very drunk with a man standing a few meters behind her. Seeing her face again ruined whatever enjoyment she was having with the Doctor and certainly crushed whatever anticipation she had for what the Doctor was going to say. So much for ‘It’s 3am, no interruptions’.

“Oi, that’s not yours.” The Doctor stands up. Feeling like she doesn’t want to be seen as someone who can’t fight her own battles, Yaz stands with her. If she got a chance to arrest her, she didn’t want to miss it.

“Is now.” Issy slurs.

“Nope. Still Yaz’s. Hand it back please.” The Doctor says, her voice colder than it is usually. At least when she talks directly to her.

“She’s never really needed the extra food.”

“Whoa! Just because you’re a stick with hair doesn’t mean you’re healthier than me!” Yaz speaks up.

“Now, please.” The Doctor extends her hand and speaks more firmly. Issy steps back. She was scared.

“Why are you standing up for her anyway?” Issy speaks with less bravado.

“I’m in love with her.” The Doctor says. Yaz’s head almost flies over her shoulder to look at her. “Took me an incredibly long time to accept it but I love every inch of her and right now we’re on a very unplanned and confusing date that I’d quite like to get back to, so if you could leave that would be appreciated.”

Yaz doesn’t see her school bully leave. Really, she doesn’t see anything at all but the Doctor. ‘I’m in love with her’ were her exact words. The words she thought she’d never hear. The words she’s resisted from saying herself because Yaz thought the Doctor wasn’t ready. She should get the Doctor angrier more often if it meant she was honest about her emotions. Form how her face looked now Yaz is reminded of how much she doesn’t know. The person she was looking at was not the Doctor but at the same time it was one hundred percent her. The Doctor faced her.

“What?” She asks innocently.

Yaz keeps watching her in disbelief. She had really said it after such a short while. The Doctor loves every inch of her and that set her heart beating faster than anything. She couldn’t hear anything else, just her heart. Was she still breathing? How do you breathe again?

“Oh! Is this eye-sex? Are we having eye-sex right now? Is it kind of like a competition? You said you’d explain but I think that’s what’s happening? Yaz?”

“You love me.” Yaz says.

The Doctor loses all her confidence where she stood.

“Is that okay?” The Doctor asks.

“‘Corse it is, you-”

Yaz couldn’t go any longer without kissing her. She needed to feel her. Give her an action that would speak louder than any words she could come up with in that moment. The Doctor’s arms, once they had stopped not knowing what to do, found their place wrapped around Yaz’s body. Never in her life had she felt so appreciated and loved just from the simple thing of being kissed. Well, if she’s honest, it was becoming a little bit more than just a kiss. Her hands had started to wander all over the Doctor’s upper body without her being conscious of it.

“Wait, Yaz.” The Doctor stops but doesn’t pull away an inch.  

“What’s wrong?” Yaz enunciates her words to make her lips brush against the Doctor’s at every chance.

“It’s not wrong. It’s just…” The Doctor shakes her head and tries to reignite their kiss again.

“Tell me.” Yaz demands. She wasn’t going to let her hide anything from her. The Doctor has to think of the right words for a second.

“You’re making it happen again.” The Doctor says timidly. “Right at the bottom of my stomach.”

“Oh.” Yaz realises what she’s saying.

“It’s fine. It’s just I’m still adjusting to it feeling like this.”

“Do you want to stop?” Yaz asks. She didn’t want to push her if she didn’t feel too comfortable.

“No!” The Doctor scoffs and laughs breathlessly. “I mean, nah.” She changes tack and tries to play it off cool. “I was gonna take you to the top of St Pauls tower to watch the sun rise but really-”

“You want to go back home, lock the door and stay in there together for as long as possible without anyone noticing we’re gone.” Yaz finishes her sentences.

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Because I’ve wanted to do it since I realised, I love you.” Yaz admits, letting the Doctor know she was on the same page as her and their emotions weren’t one sided. Simply saying the words gave her a burst of adrenaline. She notices the Doctor biting on her lip and raises an eyebrow. “I mean chill out with you not- not the other thing that happens in bedrooms. Don’t push it.”

The Doctor laughs to herself, presumably about how stupid they were being. “Let’s go back. There’s loads of CCTV around here anyway, one of your work mates has probably seen enough already.”

Yaz rolls her eyes and pulls the Doctor back the way they came. She purposefully tires to step on things to remind herself that this was the reality she was living in. She was hand in hand walking back to a time machine with a time lord. Never in her life could she dream of anything like this.

“Yaz,” The Doctor says grabbing her attention. “what exactly is eye-sex? I don’t like not knowing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i'm not gonna write it i'm not gonna write it i'm not gonna write it i'm not gonna write it  
> me writing the next chapter: bollocks it's happening, interpret this note as you wish


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work has nothing to do with the actresses that portray these characters on screen, this is based off of descriptions of the characters alone. The actresses are real people with real lives and families that are just doing their jobs, please remember to stay respectful yada yada I can't believe I've got to the point where I'm using my disclaimer, mum don't read this shite if you find it (she won't, but still.)

“Do you think the boys know we’re back?” Yaz whispers while the Doctor leads her to a part of the TARDIS that she promised no one else would be able to find.

“No. They would’ve thought we’d be gone longer.”

“Got any gum? I think you put, like, the entire restaurants worth of garlic in the chili.”

“No, but I’ve got a mint.” The Doctor reaches deep into her coat pocket and pulls out a white circle in plastic film. “It’s quite strong though, you’ll probably only need it in there for about five seconds.”

“It’s a mint.” Yaz pops the little circle in her mouth and counts to five in her head to prove the Doctor wrong. When three seconds had passed it felt like half her taste buds had dissolved off the face of the Earth. “Fucking hell that burns.”

“Told you.” The Doctor laughs. Yaz spits it back into the plastic. “No! Don’t waste it, that’s my last one.” The Doctor takes the same mint and puts it in her own mouth without flinching.

“That’s been in my mouth.” Yaz says, slightly disgusted.

“I’ve been in your mouth.”

“No, you haven’t.” Yaz says. If any part of the Doctor had been in her mouth, she for sure would have remembered it.

“Not yet.” The Doctor says. Yaz’s breathing gets caught in her throat.

“You know, I can’t tell if you try to be this flirtatious or if it just happens.” Yaz shakes her head in disbelief at the Doctors sudden change of character.

“Yaz, you should know by now that at any one point I have no idea what I’m doing.”

The Doctor stops abruptly at a lone door and opens it. She throws Yaz a smile and disappears inside, leaving Yaz the only option to follow. She didn’t know what she was expecting, but it looked to be the room of a young adult. There were piles and piles of boxes of clutter and collections of clothes around the outskirts of the room. The centre of a bedroom is usually the bed, but that was shoved to the side and right at the back. Instead there was a work bench dead in the middle of the room with all sorts of alien tech on it. It dawned on Yaz that this was in fact the Doctor’s place of solitude after the library.

“This is your room?” Yaz asks.

“Yeah.” The Doctor says placing her coat on the back of the door as she closes and triple locks it with the sonic.

The further Yaz walks inside, the more she sees that the clutter is actually momentous and belongings of the Doctor’s. Obviously, Yaz didn’t really know the significance behind all of them, however none of them seem to have gathered any dust so the Doctor must be looking at all of them regularly. Her eye catches a pinboard positioned so that if you were laying on the bed you would see it as soon as you looked up. Some of the people in the pictures were wearing outfits that matched the clothes piled on the floor, and they were accompanied by all sorts of smiling faces.

“Who are these people?” Yaz asks when the Doctor spots her looking.

“They’re me with my friends.” The Doctor tells her.

“Which…which one’s you?” Yaz asks, trying not to be too insensitive.

The Doctor steps forward and points at all the men in suits. “Him, him, him, also him, him, him, I don’t know _what_ phase he was going through but him and him. Come to think of it that was only about two hours before I met you.”

“I recognise the clothes.” Yaz confirms.

“And those are my some of my best friends. All gone now but… still here on my wall. ”

When the Doctor tails she sits down on the end of her bed. Yaz sits next to her, feeling uncomfortable not being able to see how she’s feeling, and Yaz puts her arm over her shoulder. The Doctor, still looking at the board of photos pulls Yaz into her side and keeps her hand around her waist. She also lightly kisses the pulse point on Yaz’s wrist, making her skin tingle. Yaz ignores it and focuses on the Doctor right now. She looked so lost as she stared at the wall.

“Why do you keep these if it makes you so upset?”

“Because they remind me, you know. They remind me to be brave and keep travelling no matter what and sometimes I need that reminder. Sometimes I can hear them too. Like her.” The Doctor points at a ginger woman who looked older than the others. “I looked at that picture after we almost kissed the first time and I could hear her screaming at me ‘you Dumbo Martian you should’ve just gone for it.’ But then she,” She points to a shorter woman with brown hair and wide smile. Even through a picture she gave off the energy of a teacher. “She’d tell me ‘hey, it’s okay for now, you’ll have another chance but you need to take it.’ And those two.” The Doctor points at a woman that fit the description from Melody Malone but also a blonde woman who looked like she was not far off Yaz’s own age, probably a couple of years older. “They tell me, ‘it’s okay to move on. You’re allowed to feel like that for her.’”

“What are they telling you now?” Yaz asks quietly to bring the Doctor out of her own thoughts once more.

“Do you really want to know?” The Doctor asks sincerely. Yaz nods. “Shut up about us and look at what you’ve got right next to you.”

“Your friends are a bit cheesy.” Yaz tries to hide her blushing with a joke.

“I lied. I’m the one thinking that. They would never.” Yaz finds herself gently getting laid down but her heart rises to her throat. She didn’t like not being in control. “Rule one, I lie.”

“Not a good time to tell me that.”

“Nope. Sorry. I just heard that back in my head and it-”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

Yaz will never get over the way the Doctor treats her when she’s the one initiating any sort of intimacy. It made her feel special but at the same time she wanted to be touched like she wasn’t something fragile, because that’s what Yaz is starting to realise. The Doctor is so scared of losing her that she’s barely touching her in fear of stepping over boundaries. To encourage her, Yaz tries opening her mouth the slightest bit to say ‘you’re allowed, I trust you.’. She has to remind herself every few seconds that they’re in an unknown part of the TARDIS and the door is triple locked. They have the time to take it slow and perhaps Yaz was getting ahead of herself. Despite the encouragement, the Doctor only kept up with the pace of Yaz’s lips, and her hands kept only lightly brushing over her body. Tired of being on her back but still liking where this was slowly but surely going, Yaz flips the roles and ends up straddling her again. It seemed to work. The Doctor’s hands started to reach up under her shirt.

“Hold on.” Yaz says with a sudden change of heart. It wasn’t her choice to stop. There was something in her brain telling her to be completely honest with herself. “I’m nervous.”

“Me too.” The Doctor says.

“But you’ve had a wife? You’ve done all this before.” Yaz says confused.

“I…” Yaz watches the Doctor’s thought process. When she takes more than a few seconds to come up with the right words, Yaz decides to start working on her neck which invokes a gasp and forces out the words. “I’ve never had a female body before and I don’t know how I’m going to react and I don’t want to look like an idiot.” She admits.

“You’re not going to look like an idiot, I swear.” Yaz promises. Anything the Doctor does Yaz loves. She kind of feels bad that the Doctor still doesn’t trust herself to be at her full authenticity around her.

Yaz feels her jacket get pushed down her arms as much as possible until she can only take it off herself. In this situation she never thought it would be fight or flight but right now her body and her brain are telling her to keep going. Keep going, don’t let this moment slip away. To just do what feels right and not think at all. Before she knows it, her shirt and jeans disappear too. The Doctor sits up, taking Yaz with her, not wanting a moment without contact.

“You’re really beautiful.” The Doctor mumbles against Yaz’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to try to flatter me. I’m not intending to stop.” Yaz says, suddenly very aware of a pressure between her legs.

While taking her time to turn her nerves into pure adrenaline and excitement instead, Yaz gets rid of the Doctor’s clothing. Goodbye suspenders, shirts and trousers. She pauses with her fingers hooked along the elastic of the Doctor’s underwear.

“You still good?” The Doctor checks. Her hazel-green eyes were so full of care and adoration there was no doubt about Yaz’s answer.

“I’m good.” Yaz smiles.

“You can change your mind whenever, just tell me to stop.” The Doctor reassures her.

Yaz can’t stop the whimper from leaving her mouth as the Doctor’s fingers touch her in places she didn’t know needed her attention so badly until she did. She didn’t even recognise the sound as her own. Nor the second sound that escaped. Or the third. Or fourth, or fifth. The woman doing all the work wasn’t even going at a particularly fast or aggressive pace. She was still being gentle with her but this time Yaz was glad about it. She really wouldn’t be able to take it for long. She wasn’t planning on holding on much longer now, anyway.

“Shit!” Yaz exclaims, gripping the hair on the back of the Doctor’s head as she feels her heart start to beat in her lower stomach.

“You’re amazing.” The Doctor says, holding her through the experience.

Yaz didn’t want to waste any time in thanking her the way that seemed most suitable. She pushes the Doctor back down onto her back and makes their lips meet, even though Yaz was still trying to get her breathing back to normal. Knowing that the Doctor had never been touched in this way before and that Yaz had never done this to anyone but herself when needs must, she makes sure that the Doctor is worked up enough. The Doctor had started to properly touch her by now, pulling her closer every time Yaz tried to get her hand between them and paying particular attention to her collar bones and breasts. That’s how Yaz sometimes gets reminded that the Doctor still has some of her male mentality left over from her regeneration.

Her hand finally hits the dip in the Doctor’s hip and she stops. It makes the Doctor open her eyes and Yaz uses that to double check for the go ahead. The Doctor nods gently and her eyes look down to watch where Yaz’s hand was going, but Yaz wanted something else. She places her free hand along the Doctor’s jawline and lifts her head.

“I want you to look at me.” Yaz tells her.

She moves her hand the final inch and hits a pool of wetness straight away. Yaz was concentrating on maintaining eye contact for as long as possible but the Doctor managed to cope through two strokes before feeling the need to close her eyes and pull Yaz back for another kiss. Yaz keeps going, slowly and steadily, keeping it simple so that the Doctor doesn’t go into overload. If she had only first been turned on with this body a matter of weeks ago it was highly unlikely that she had figured out what she likes yet and would probably go into overload.

“Yaz-”

Yaz never thought that a one syllable word could be stuttered so much.

“Yaz, I can’t-”

“Let it happen.” Yaz says, knowing what she meant. With the Doctor being the Doctor she was either going to last forever or no time at all, and on this occasion, it was the latter.

The sounds that the Doctor was making were indescribable to Yaz. All she knew was that she’d obviously done something right and she had fingers digging onto her back as a form of restraint. She wished the Doctor would let go completely but she understands that this was too new for her to be completely comfortable with what was happening. The fact that she felt safe enough with her of all people in the universe felt to Yaz like a privilege.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to finish so-”

The Doctor starts to apologise but Yaz wasn’t going to take any of that. She didn’t care. If anything, it meant she had done a good job in winding her up tight enough in the first place. Yaz kisses her softly and lovingly as they both calm down.

“That was really different. I like figuring out new stuff.” The Doctor states the obvious. Yaz somehow had a premonition that the Doctor would say something like that.

Yaz rests her head on the Doctor’s bare chest. She could hear her hearts beating in a pattern of four. The Doctor’s hand runs through Yaz’s hair. So, this is what peace feels like. Her eyes catch glimpse of the pinboard after a few minuets of laying there together.

“I’m going to be a picture up there one day, aren’t I.” The words slip out of Yaz's mouth without a second thought.

The Doctor’s hand stops moving.

“Did you have to say that after what just happened?” The Doctor asks. Her voice was quiet but her tone was harsh. Yaz lifts her head.

“I didn’t- I wasn’t trying to- I didn't mean to- That came out wr-”

“I know.”

The Doctor rolls over and Yaz can no longer see her face. This was bad. Not terrible, but bad. Yaz shuffles behind to spoon her. She doesn’t get pushed away which was what she hoped would happen. The Doctor even takes her hand and pulls it across her stomach, but there were no more words exchanged that night between them. Yaz decides it's a problem for the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwr42-7uwUU
> 
> also I wrote That part very late at night and I was a new woman by the time I got round to proofreading and I couldn't bring myself to read it so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	23. Chapter 23

Yaz sits glumly over her bowl of cereal. She woke up and the Doctor was gone and she hadn’t seen her since in the hour she’s been awake and roaming the TARDIS. She didn’t want her first time to end like that; one of them upset and the other worried about how it would turn out later on. They’d said they love each other and now it really wouldn’t show if anyone was to see her sitting here alone. Hopefully, no time would pass at all until she reappeared.

“There you are! How was your date?” Ryan gives a beaming grin and slides into the chair opposite. His energy didn’t pass onto Yaz and he could tell. “What’s happened?”

“It was a good date.” Yaz says, hoping that would be enough for him to leave the topic.

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ after that. Go from the start.”

Yaz stares him down. She didn’t want to go into much detail, a lot of it was very private, so she shortens each event down to a sentence each.

“Broke into a Mexican restaurant and made food.”

“Classic.” Ryan says, accepting it as if the event was normal.

“Flint turned up and stole my food.”

“Bitch.”

“I know. The Doctor got it back and declared she loved me.”

“Nice one!”

“Kissed a bit.”

“Extra nice one.”

“Came back here and had a heart to heart about her past.”

“Bit of a buzz kill but I’ll go with it.”

“Had sex.”

“Hooooo boy, you should’ve led with that!” Ryan practically jumps out of his seat laughing and slams his hand on the table a few times. However, Yaz was ready to shut her over excited friend down.

“Then I accidentally reminded her I’m going to die someday and she’ll be left alone again and I haven’t seen her since, and I’ve checked the library so you know it’s bad if she’s not in there.” Yaz smiles sarcastically while she speaks and watches Ryan get hit by reality.

“Jesus.” He leans back in his chair.

“Yup. Then we said nothing, fell asleep, and now she’s nowhere to be seen.”

“She left you to wake up alone? That’s cold.” Ryan says, clearly disappointed in the Doctor’s actions.

“I did upset her.” Yaz admits. “Whether it be on purpose or not.”

“But this isn’t this first time she’s been an angsty little bi-.”

“Whoa, dude.” Yaz stops him from making the comment. She wasn’t going to let him bad mouth the woman who was letting them live in her home and taking them to every corner of the universe.

“I’m just saying. She’s run off and avoided things involving you before. Are you gonna eat that or not?”

Yaz pushes her bowl away from her and towards him. It had gone mushy anyway. He was right. Unfortunately. The Doctor was behaving exactly like she had done after she got beaten up and there was no need for it. If only they just talked it out there and then like adults, but no. Now they were stuck again. 

“Morning children.” Graham enters the kitchen and heads straight for the kettle for his cup of coffee. “Why so glum, Yaz?”

“She got pumped and dumped by the Doctor.” Ryan says.

“It wasn’t like that.” Yaz holds her head in her hands with her elbows on the table.

“I’m not going to ask what that is.” Graham mumbles.

“Please don’t.” Yaz supports his decision.

“Where is the Doc anyway?” Graham asks.

“We don’t know.”

“That’s the dumped part.” Ryan mutters.

“Ryan!” Both Yaz and Graham shout at him. The only sound left in the room was the kettle reaching its boil point.

“I guess that’s my cue to leave.”

Ryan gets up, taking the second-hand food with him and leaves. He looked back with a very apologetic look on his face.

“Listen. I know you went on a date with her and it looks like it didn’t go very-”

“It was a really good date, Graham. It just ended on a bit of a rough note and I can’t talk about it because I don’t know where she is.” Yaz stops him from making an incorrect assumption. She didn’t like it when people spoke ill of the Doctor, it was a like a personal attack on her, too.

“She’ll be back sometime today. Just chill out until then, it’s probably not as bad as you think.”

“Probably.” Yaz says, still not wanting to go into detail.

“Do something to take your mind off it. Do something with that big mouthed fool.” Graham says, referring to Ryan.

Graham sips his coffee every few moments and makes no effort for more conversation. Yaz likes that about Graham. He never asks too many personal questions and accepts your answers without blinking twice but still gives relevant advice. It’s like still having a parent around but at the same time he was a friend, so he doesn’t scold you like a parent would for any poor decisions. Yaz gets up and leaves, running into Ryan who had been waiting in the doorway.

“I’m sorry I went over the top.” He apologies.

“It’s okay.” Yaz says. There was a bit of an awkward silence.

“Just out of curiosity-”

“Nope.”

Yaz walks away knowing Ryan was going to follow her to make sure she didn’t spend the day upset. Although ‘upset’ wasn’t actually what she was, she was just annoyed and frustrated and that was with herself rather than the Doctor.

She led him to the games room and forced him to teach her every game possible to pass the time. Yaz knew almost all of them but put up the front that she didn’t so that when it came to playing the game, she beat him each time. It wound Ryan up but it made her laugh and forget. Once Ryan had had enough of it, they searched for the Doctor again with no luck. It made her heart sink a little that she wasn’t back from wherever she went because it meant that she could be stewing in her own angst. That’s when Ryan dragged her to his room to watch some films and eat snacks terrible for your health but good enough to soak up excess emotion. There were action films with so many male leads and the same generic formula that Yaz’s mind kept wandering into a very specific daydream.

She imagines what could have happened if she had kept her mouth shut last night. She would have lightly kissed the Doctor's skin every so often to remind her that this wasn’t just a one-time thing. The Doctor would go into a spiel about the chemical process that happens to humans during sex and how that differs to time lords, or something along those lines, for Yaz to listen to until she went on a tangent so far from the original topic that Yaz decides it’s time to see if the Doctor will go for round two. Alternatively, Yaz thinks of what might have happened if the Doctor had taken her to the top of that building to watch the sun rise. She would have rested her head on the Doctor’s shoulder just like she liked it. Or, even better, the Doctor would rest her head on Yaz’s shoulder so that she could feel her breath against her neck and be tickled by strands of hair that blew in the wind. They would see the horizon slowly become illuminated as the sun rose higher and higher. However, they would have to run away as soon as a police car turned up thinking they were either going to jump or were stealing. Yaz would laugh until she couldn’t breathe and then tell the Doctor she loved her again. And again. And again.

“Yaz, just go to bed.” Ryan says, pulling her out of her preferred realities.

“What? It’s only the afternoon?”

Ryan pulls out his phone, which was still synced to Earth time. “It’s ten at night.”

“I’m not going to bed not knowing where she is.” Yaz says, hoping he would catch on that under all the frustration she was starting to get worried.

“You’re just sitting here. Be real with yourself, you might as well get some rest.” Ryan insists. Yaz considers it for a moment.

“Only if you promise to come and get me if she turns up.”

“You know I will. You think I’m not going to try and get juicy details out of her too?”

“Don’t you dare.” Yaz gently slaps his shoulder and leaves.

“Only because you know she’ll break and tell me everything.” Ryan calls after her. Yaz decides to ignore it.

She showers. Brushes her teeth. Get’s changed. Does all the normal things she would have done and gets into bed. All of her lights were off in an attempt to help her drift off and start a new day as soon as possible. In reality, she lays there for about an hour until she closes her eyes to increase the intensity of her self-made dreams and she ends up falling into a light sleep. But she doesn’t notice she has until she senses someone trying to get in with her. She twists and punches the culprit in the stomach as a reflex.

“Fuck, Yaz, why?!” The Doctor groans. Yaz leans to turn on a lamp to confirm that it was in fact her who had fallen to the floor with a thud.

“Because you creep into my bed after leaving me with no explanation for a day!” Yaz hisses, watching the Doctor curl into a ball on the floor, clutching her stomach.

“What d’you mean no explanation, I left you a note.” The Doctor says with whatever breath Yaz hadn’t knocked out of her.

“What note?” Yaz says, reeling back her emotions to listen to the Doctor’s explanation.

“The note saying I had to go and see a… an old friend in the library.”

“We checked the library. You weren’t there.”

“No, _the_ library, the largest in the universe. I left the note right-.” The Doctor looks at the bedside table and so does Yaz. She sees the small piece of blue paper that was peeking out behind a photo frame and instantly feels guilty. “You didn’t read it?” The Doctor says in a way that makes Yaz’s heart break.

“I was with Ryan all day, I’ve only just come in here.” Yaz explains. “Why didn’t you leave it in your room?”

“Because I didn’t want to wake you up, you’re beautiful when you sleep.” The Doctor stands up, her posture still a little hunched over.

“I thought you were mad at me for what I said.” Yaz says, throwing back the covers so that the Doctor can come in without being punched.

“No, that would be stupid.” The Doctor says, accepting the invitation to get it. Yaz rolls onto her back and rubs her face. She’d been a bit of an idiot herself. “Yaz I’d never have sex with you and tell you I love you and then leave without a word. The note said everything, I swear.”

Yaz reaches over the Doctor for the note but her wrist gets grabbed and stopped.

“Please don’t read it now.” The Doctor asks her. “I’m here, I can tell you what it says word for word.”

“Promise? You’re not going to make it up and then never see the written proof?” The Doctor asks.

Yaz wanted to be sure that the Doctor hadn’t gone off to leave her and then changed her mind halfway through and came back. The Doctor takes the piece of paper, opens it and flips it around so Yaz could see the writing.

“Yaz, please forgive me for having to disappear for a bit. I need to go and sort something out. Don’t tell Ryan about last night, I’ll never hear the end of it.” The Doctor says what was on the note without reading it and gives it to Yaz to keep.

“Just one thing though.” Yaz says.

“What?” The Doctor says. Eyes wide, scared that she’s in trouble.

“You wrote ‘we’ll’ never hear the end of it not ‘I’ll’ never hear the end of it.” Yaz teases her for not being able to recite what she had written word for word which invokes a wide grin.

“You cheeky…”

The Doctor shuffles even closer to Yaz like an awkward sideways caterpillar and goes to kiss Yaz, propping herself up with her arm. Yaz places her hand on the center of the Doctor’s chest to stop her from reaching her lips.

“For real though, Ryan knows.” Yaz reveals.

“Then let’s give him more to talk about.” The Doctor lets her hand crawl up Yaz’s inner thigh, expecting Yaz to follow it up with a kiss.

“No.” Yaz pushes away the Doctor’s advances. “I want to talk to you, fall asleep with you, and then wake up next to you since I was robbed of it.”

“Fine with me.” The Doctor says. Her attitude and body language making a complete shift from seductive to relaxed.

“So, who were they? The person you went to help sort something out.”

“Technically I was the one seeking out advice.” The Doctor says, pulling Yaz’s body to fill any empty space left between them.

“Oh, so was it like a book.” Yaz assumes. What else would the Doctor go to the biggest library in the universe for?

The Doctor looks Yaz dead in the eyes. “I went to speak to the consciousness of my dead wife.” She whispers. Yaz didn’t know how to reply to that so she kept quiet, waiting for the Doctor to elaborate. She wasn’t angry and she didn’t feel betrayed, she only felt confused.

“I thought I’d moved too fast with you and she knows me better than anyone so I wanted a second opinion. And I felt a bit guilty. Needed to hear I was being stupid from more than just a picture.” The Doctor says. Yaz gently stokes her cheek with her thumb. She completely understood why she did it. “I also wanted to ask her how…” The Doctor’s voice goes quiet and tails off.

“What was that?” Yaz asks for clarification. The Doctor sighs and looks away. She was embarrassed.

“I asked her how two women have sex.”

“You asked her how two women have sex hours after we had had sex?” Yaz relays the scenario back to the Doctor to make sure she was hearing this correctly.

“I didn’t know if that was the proper thing or if I was meant to do something else, I don’t know.”

“What did she say?” Yaz asks, trying not to laugh and discourage her.

“Well, she laughed mainly so I guessed that meant I was over thinking it.” The Doctor starts to smile too, which gives Yaz the green light to let go of her laughter. “Oi, don’t make fun of me!”

“I’m not making fun of you. I love you.” Whoops. The words had slipped out again for the second time in 48 hours, bringing a swift end to they’re giggling. “I love you.” Yaz repeats.

The Doctor gives Yaz a kiss so sweet and loving that Yaz is surprised she’ll come away without a cavity or two. She guessed that this was the Doctor’s way of saying it without being in the heat of a moment. Yaz always guessed that the Doctor would have a problem with saying those three words since the amount of languages and cultures she knew said it in so many different ways. Yaz was simply happy that this was how she said it, and that she was saying it to her.

“Yaz, the Doctor’s back, I found her coat- God, okay, I didn’t see anything, bye.” Ryan rushes in.

“We’re getting a lock on that.” Yaz says once the door had closed again.

“Consider it done.”


	24. Chapter 24

Yaz watches the Doctor scurry around the control panel explaining the cultural rules and rituals of the planet they were about to set off to. Graham and Ryan were there too, asking questions and prompting her to speak more, but Yaz enjoyed stepping back and seeing her in action. Besides, she was all hers when the boys disappeared. The Doctor threw a smile at her every few times she ended up facing her direction. She was so excited. Right before the TARDIS was about to take off Yaz takes her usual position next to the Doctor. She enjoyed travelling with the Doctor but her driving was always questionable and it was good to have something, or someone, to hold onto.

“Right! This is going to be-” The Doctor doesn’t finish her sentence. Yaz watches her face scrunch and sees her knuckles tense up as they grip on the lever. 

“Doctor?” Yaz says. The longer that this wasn’t passing the more worried she became. 

“Sorry.” The Doctor smiles through the evident pain. “What was I sayi- Yaz.” Her face goes as white as a sheet and she grips on Yaz’s shoulder so hard it makes Yaz wince. 

“Doc, are you okay?” Graham asks. 

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re clearly not, you look faint.” Ryan tries to get her to see sense. 

“I thought it was because of you punching me in the stomach but that was a couple of weeks ago now so it can’t be.” 

“You punched her in the what now?” Graham mutters.

“It was a misunderstanding.” Yaz tells him, using all of her body strength to keep the Doctor upright and not swaying. “Doctor tell me exactly what’s wrong.” 

“Headache. Feel a bit nauseous and my stomach hurts. TARDIS is still programmed to scan me as a man so that’s no use, I should probably update that.” The Doctor clutches onto her lower back. “Did you stab me in the night or something?”

“She might be bleeding internally.” Ryan suggests. “Leftover side effect from Krasko maybe?”

“No, that’s not the type of bleeding I think is happening.” Yaz says, thinking she knows what’s going on. From the description the Doctor’s given her she’s pretty certain in her assumption 

“What?” The Doctor says, completely lost to what Yaz was hinting at. 

“Auntie Flo.” Ryan says.

“Monthlies.” Graham adds.

“The Devils waterfall.” 

“Time of the month.”

“Shark week.”

“Lady business.”

“Can you start saying words that mean something to me please.” The Doctor pleads, interrupting the boys going back and forth with metaphors and clinging onto Yaz like her life depended on it.

“Doctor, is it possible you’ve started your period?” Yaz asks quietly. The Doctor looks at her with a furrowed brow, putting the pieces together in her mind. Do time lords even have menstrual cycles? Yaz knows they can have children but they might come from some weird alien ritual or something. The Doctor has a moment of revelation and groans, resting her forehead against Yaz’s in defeat when she realises what it meant. “Yeah, we’re not going anywhere today.” Yaz addresses Graham and Ryan.

“Get her sorted and into bed and I’ll get the kettle on for a hot water bottle. Ryan will deliver it.” Graham offers. 

“What’s a hot water bottle going to do?” Ryan shrugs. Yaz, Graham and the Doctor collectively stare at him with looks of bewilderment. "What have I said now?"

“You need to hang around more women, son. Come on." Graham laughs.

Yaz watches a very confused Ryan follow his grandad, still trying to figure out how hot water bottles work in this situation. The Doctor kept lightly stroking the back of Yaz's neck until they were gone. That was happening a lot more now. The touches and the small kisses every now and then when they boys weren't looking, except if the Doctor was in a particularly good mood she didn't care if anyone was watching.

"I don't want to stay in bed all day." The Doctor complains.

"Trust me, you're going to want to." Yaz almost scoffs before she remembers that she probably shouldn’t make this sound worse than it is. “I mean you’ll just complain if we went out and considering you can’t even stand up straight now-”

"I know what I want, Yaz." The Doctor says. Yaz could tell she was starting to get frustrated not being used to what was going on with her body. Either that or time lords got mood swings too, but considering the lack of experience the Doctor had with living in a female body 

"So do I, that's why I'm staying with you." Yaz asserts. She sort of wanted a day locked away with the Doctor to be normal and this was the perfect excuse. It was her turn to look after her. Yaz could feel the Doctor staring at her and she decides to stare back with perfectly raised eyebrows until she gave in.

"I hate you."

"No you don't." Yaz smirks.

The Doctor stands there smiling but Yaz notices while her smile fades that the Doctor’s chest wasn’t moving.

“Breathe.” Yaz reminds her, rubbing the Doctor’s lower back where she knew it would help until the moment seemed to pass. “Are you alright?” Yaz starts to move the both of them in the direction of her room. 

“I don’t like it.”

“No woman does.”

“Is it really always this painful?”

“It should get better over time.” They reach Yaz’s room. “Go have a hot shower and sort yourself out.” Yaz says. The Doctor kisses Yaz’s forehead as an act of thanks and walks off in the direction of the bathroom. “You know what I mean by that, right?” Yaz calls after her.

“I know. I’m not totally ignorant as to what goes on down there, it's just science." 

Yaz sits on her bed and enjoys her time alone for a moment before Ryan cautiously creeps in.

“Where is she?” He asks, passing over the hot water bottle. “Graham got these painkillers too.”

“Showering.” Yaz takes the hot water bottle and tucks it under the covers, positioning it where she thinks the Doctor’s back would be. Ryan sits down next to her. "She'll cope, it's just all new for her at the moment."

“Remember when you thought you had no feelings for her at all?” Ryan smiles. 

“Feels like centuries ago.” Yaz says.

“I feel quite satisfied with you two now.”

“Oi, what did you have to feel satisfied about?”

“What did I do? Hm, well, I helped you through the hell that was your emotional rollercoaster, told you that she liked you too which got the ball rolling and basically I’m the reason you two share a bed every night now.”

“Alright, fair points.” Yaz chuckles. “Guess I should thank you.”

“Nah, I like seeing you happy and that’s enough.”

“So you don’t want me to return the favour and help you get a girlfriend?”

“God, please, I’m literally starving.”

They both start laughing. A wholehearted laugh the way that it should be. Yaz considers her life right now compared to just before she met the Doctor and became friends with Ryan again. Everything was so different but so good. She was happy and truly living with her mind broadened further than she could possibly comprehend. 

“Ry, I really am thankful.” Yaz says when the laughing subsides.

“I know.” Ryan wraps his arm around Yaz’s shoulder and pulls her in for a sort of sideways hug. "Would you date me?”

“Gross.”

“No, I mean if you weren’t with her and we met under normal circumstances, would you have gone on a date with me? Just hypothetically, I want to know if I’ve got game.”

“Ryan, if King James spends an entire day flirting with you, you’ve got game.” Yaz jokes. “And if you’d played it right we may have gone on a single date and then realised we’re more like siblings.”

“Like the sister I never had.” Ryan grins. Yaz smiles too and lightly punches his chin.

“Yaz, where’d you get this- oh, hi Ryan.” The Doctor returns in only a sports bra and pants, examining a book in her hand.

“I’ll leave you two.” Ryan gets up and goes to leave. As he shuts the door Yaz spots him point at the Doctor, look back at Yaz, wink and purse his lips as if he was whistling. Yaz, not wanting the Doctor to know what Ryan was saying about her, slyly flips him the middle finger. 

“What’s up with him? He seemed uncomfortable.” The Doctor shrugs, taking Ryan’s place next to Yaz. 

“Maybe the fact you’re practically naked.” Yaz says. 

The Doctor looks down at her own body and smiles surprised. “Oh yeah! I am!” She giggles to herself.

“You were asking me something.” Yaz prompts her.

“Right, yeah, where’d you get this book?” The Doctor hands her the familiar lump of paper bound by a bright pink cover that the TARDIS had left for her after designing her room.

“Your machine thought it would be funny to leave it for me back when…”

“When what?”

“When we first moved in.”

“You’ve liked me for that long?” The Doctor asks, a smile pulling at the corner of her mouth. “You kept that secret.”

“I wasn’t exactly comfortable with it.” 

“Huh?” The Doctor brings her legs off the floor and crosses them.

“I thought you’d kick me out if you knew.”

“I’d never.” Yaz braces herself as the Doctor shuffles closer and leans in. “Never.”

Their lips meet. Yaz can’t help but let her hand run through the Doctor’s still slightly damp hair to keep her close. The feeling never changes when the Doctor kisses her. It’s like she’s still not been able to adjust to the fact that it wasn’t a dream. Her lips really were moving like that. Her tongue really was pushing against her bottom lip like that. The Doctor all round really wanted her like that.

“Hang on,” The Doctor pauses, her skin developing a slightly green tinge. “I think I’m going to throw up.”

Charming.

“Lay down.” Yaz instructs. The Doctor, not knowing how else to cope with what she was feeling, does as she is told and lays on her back. Yaz moves the hot water bottle and places it on the Doctor’s stomach before laying on her side. 

“I’ve traveled with so many women and people with this function and I’ve never noticed when it’s happening to them. Not even you.” 

“Really?” Yaz asks.

“No idea. Guess I’m just not attentive enough.” 

“If I get so much as a cold you literally don’t leave my side.” Yaz says in an attempt to prove her wrong.”

“Yeah but a cold is visible, this stuff isn't.”

“Maybe now you have to deal with it you’ll pick up on the signs.” 

"Suppose." The Doctor shrugs. “What did Ryan want?”

“Oh.” Yaz remembers. She pulls out the painkillers. “Got you these.” 

“Nice one Ryan.” The Doctor opens the packet, takes all sixteen out of the packaging and swallows them dry. Yaz stares at her, eyes wide. “What?”

“You’re only meant to take two at a time.” Yaz says, terrified that she might need to go and get a stomach pump.

“Maybe for humans, I need all of these for it to work.” The Doctor explains. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to die.”

“Do you want anything else? Food or…”

“Just lay with me. We never get time like this. Even though I really wanted to take you all to that planet.”

“There’s always tomorrow.”

Yaz settles, resting her head just above the Doctor’s shoulder on the pillow and placing her hand on the Doctor’s incredibly soft upper stomach. These moments were the most precious to Yaz. More than the adventures, more than the group activities, more than the sex. These moments when they were alone in silence together. Whether it be watching the stars or laying in the same bed in the same room for God knows how long Yaz would never get tired of how comfortable and loved she felt. It was hard keeping track of time in the TARDIS anyway but when it was just her and the Doctor they seemed to exist outside of the conventions of time. Therefore, Yaz didn’t know how much time had passed when the Doctor’s hands started noticeably twitching at her sides. 

“Yaz.”

“Hm?”

“Please tell me those pills were the drowsy kind.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, long story short microsoft word has been uninstalled from my laptop and I'm a FOOL and hadn't backed up the final chapter which was a m o n s t e r so to make me feel better I wrote this instead, not my finest work but I wanted to share it


	25. Chapter 25

It was 1509 and the night before the coronation of Henry VIII. All four of them were stuck in a village barn on the outskirts of London because nowhere else would take them. The TARDIS was well hidden but too far away for them to spend the night in their own rooms and get to the coronation in time. Ryan and Graham too the majority of blankets, their excuse being that because the Doctor and Yaz were together they could share body heat, which neither of them made much of a deal to argue against. Yaz was sleeping quite well considering the circumstances, until...

“Yaz?” 

“I’m asleep.” Yaz mumbles not wanting to wake her body up anymore than it needed to be.

“No you’re not.”

“Well, I was.” Yaz reluctantly opens her eyes. Instead of the familiar darkness that usually surrounded her when the Doctor woke her up, Yaz is met with the outline of the Doctor’s face hovering over her. Even in the poor light she could tell the Doctor was overthinking something. “What is it?” She asks, no longer annoyed.

“If I was dying, would you rather I regenerated into a whole new person or die?” The Doctor asks simply and plainly. “Like, which one would be easier to deal with?”

“What kind of a question is that?” Yaz pushes the Doctor’s body back down so that she was laying on her side. It made Yaz anxious when she had that kind of power over her especially when she was in the kind of mood where she was thinking about death and the end of the universe.

“One that needs answering.” The Doctor pleads with her to answer. 

“Regenerate.” Yaz says without hesitation. 

“Would you still love me if I was a man?” The Doctor continues with the list for questions Yaz knew she had been formulating rather than sleeping.

“Yes.”

“Not that it matters but would you still want to have sex with me if I was a man?” 

“Yes, Doctor, are you intending to regenerate soon or something? You’ll still be you and that’s better than you dying and not being here at all.”

“I might not be me as I am right now.”

The Doctor started fiddling with her sonic. Yaz recognised that she was retreating into her head like she used to when they didn’t know what was going on between the two of them. She didn’t know how long the Doctor had been thinking about this, but it was obvious to Yaz that it was really bothering her. She shouldn’t dismiss how the Doctor was feeling right now. 

“Well, would your feelings for me change when you change?” The Doctor shakes her head, still only looking at the device in her hand. “Then that’s that. We both feel the same way and keep going.” 

“Are you feelings changing for me now?” The Doctor says timidly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yas asks, lifting herself up slightly to rest on her elbow. 

“The girl you were talking to just after we arrived.” 

“Who?”

“Brown hair, bit shorter than you, about your age. You were smiling at her and turned back to watch her walk away.” The Doctor prompts her memory. 

“Oh, you mean the girl that walked into me? The shy girl I smiled at to reassure her it was okay and she didn’t need to apologise? The girl I checked wasn’t kicking herself for dropping what she was carrying when she walked away, yeah I remember.” 

“Well… it looked like-”

“No, it looked like nothing. You’re getting paranoid over nothing. Why?” 

“I just thought it might hurt you less if I died instead of changed into someone new that you don’t know.” The Doctor says, dropping the second subject completely.

“What hurts me is that you’re thinking about this now, and that you’d think I’d leave you for someone who made eye contact with me.” 

“I want to know now incase it comes without warning, which it does from time to time, and you’re left heartbroken.”

Yaz takes away the sonic, forcing the Doctor to look at her again. She was basically saying that she would end her life if it meant Yaz wasn’t as distraught. Yaz didn’t want anyone to die for her, let alone it be the woman she loved. Just the thought of the Doctor’s lifeless body laying God knows where mutilated, bleeding out or worse made Yaz feel sick. She would never allow it to happen. 

“Don’t worry about me.” Yaz insists. “We’re here now. I’m here now and you’re not going anywhere and I’m never going to leave you. Not until the day I die.” 

“But-”

“What do you need me to say to get you to stop thinking like that?” Yaz asks, her voice a bit too loud for her not to look over her shoulder to check that the boys were still fast asleep and snoring. 

“There’s nothing you can say.”

“Then you’re going to have to think of something other than this.”

“Give me something else to think about!”

The Doctor’s eyes flash a steel grey for a split second before her face goes soft again and she remembers who she’s talking to. The air suddenly felt thick and Yaz found herself breathing heavily. Was it anger? Frustration? Lust? She couldn’t decode exactly what she was feeling. She hadn’t shouted but it was the equivalent of the Doctor raising her voice and Yaz couldn’t believe her cheek.  

“I- I’m sorry, I’ve got myself frustrated, it’s not your job to-”

Yaz rolls over onto the Doctor, forcing her down. This wasn’t the ideal situation but whenever the Doctor needed shutting up it always worked. The Doctor wanted her to give her something else to think about, so why not. Yaz kissed her hard but messily; bumping teeth and foreheads while grabbing hands can’t keep off of each other. She slowed down every time she felt the Doctor might expose them. After about the third time she had to calm her down, the Doctor reached for Yaz’s jean button.

“Graham and Ryan.” Yaz pushes the Doctor’s hands away. She meant for this to pass time, not go any further than what they were doing.

“They’re sleeping, it’s fine.” The Doctor tries convincing her but Yaz wasn’t going to budge.

“I’m not comfortable with it, they’re right there.”

The Doctor held Yaz’s face and looked at her like she had the entire universe in her eyes. What were they even talking about before now? What year is it? Where are they? Yaz can’t remember; she was too busy feeling overcome with love. 

“Whatever you want.” The Doctor barely whispers. 

“And just for the record, we’ve been awake for like, 5 minutes.” Ryan says. 

“Jesus!” Yaz shouts in shock. She sits up along with the Doctor. The Doctor, who is known to hate getting caught while she’s vulnerable, doesn’t let her hand leave Yaz’s back as if her body was grounding her.  

“I know the phrase is ‘a roll in the hay’ but you don’t need to take it literally.” Graham chuckles. 

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” The Doctor asks. 

“We thought we’d let you get on with it.” Ryan says, rubbing his eyes and sitting up and brushing straw off of Graham’s back. 

“I heard what you were talking about.” Graham says. The Doctor looks at Yaz apologetically. They would have to wait to talk about it again in private but it seemed to be a one time thing. “Didn’t seem like something that should be interrupted.”

Yaz spots the Doctor and Graham share a sort of knowing look. Light was starting to come into the barn now but it still wasn’t enough to see clear facial expressions, so it was still unclear to Yaz as to if they shared a smile too. Perhaps she wasn’t the only one that confided in one of their friends.

“What time is it?” Ryan asks. The Doctor inhales through her nose until Yaz was sure her lungs would burst.

“Bout ten past six.”

Everyone sits in an awkward silence. Ryan looks around the barn, Graham pretends to pick off bits of hay from the front of his shirt, and the Doctor placed her arm around Yaz’s shoulders and Yaz can feel her looking at her. She turns and meets her gaze. For the first time in a while Yaz was nervous around her again. What if this wasn’t the right thing to do and they should have just stayed friends. There was something in her stomach telling her she’s only just 20 and she shouldn’t be falling this hard for an impossible woman. The Doctor’s eyes were flickering over every inch of Yaz’s face, trying to figure out what she was thinking.

“Well.” Ryan stands up. “Nature calls. Come on granddad.”

“I don’t nee-”

“I said come on, Graham.”  

“Ah. Right.” Graham catches on and gets to his feet. “We’ll see you out there.”

Yaz waits until the two of them had left to address the Doctor. “Promise me you’ll tell me when you start thinking like that again.”

“I don’t really stop.”

“I’m in it for the long run. I’ve made that clear since the start.” Yaz reassures. 

“But every time you so much as look at me I’m reminded-”

“Look,” Yaz grabs the Doctor’s free hand, silencing her. “Everything’s still a bit new, right? Neither of us- I mean, I’m not used to something this serious yet.”

“I’m trying to do it right but I don’t know if it’s working.”

“Try not trying.”

“If I try not trying then I’m still trying.”

“Don’t get smart right now, you know what I meant.” Yaz says, trying to hide the smile pulling at the corner of her mouth. She sits there smiling like she used to alone in her room when the Doctor complimented her back before they got together.

“Does this count as our first fight?” The Doctor asks. 

“Guess so.” 

They sit together quietly again. 

“Hey, since the boys have gone now, maybe we could-”

“No.” Yaz stops the Doctor’s hand creeping around to her waistline. 

“You don’t know what I was going to say.” 

“We’re not having sex.” 

“Not just quickly?” The Doctor tries to go for a kiss.

“Hmmmm nope.” Yaz pushes away her advances. She knows that the Doctor respects her and would never do anything she didn’t want to, but she’s surprised at how hard she’s trying to get there right now. “I didn’t think you were like this.”

“Twelve lifetimes as a man, I’ve missed out on a lot.” 

The Doctor moved too fast for Yaz to stop her this time and secretly she was glad she hadn’t caught her. The Doctor moved sweet enough at first but at the first sign of her trying to make a move Yaz broke it off. 

“Maybe later.” Yaz says, starting to warm to the idea.

“You know I’d wait forever.” The Doctor says. If Yaz didn’t know she was being serious she would’ve started laughing, but the Doctor was starting to say more and more stuff like this.

“Let’s go.” Yaz gets up and extends her hand to help the Doctor up. “Can’t be late for your father-in-laws coronation!” She teases.

“Don’t remind me. And don’t tell him that, he’ll have my head.” 

They leave the barn hand in hand, satisfied that another brick had been set in the foundation of their relationship. It had only been about an hour but it was inevitable that something like this was going to happen. Suspiciously close to the door stood Ryan and Graham.

“Everything-?” 

“Yep.” The Doctor stops Graham from asking anything. Suddenly, she gasps. “Yaz! Yaz, they’re setting up apple bobbing!” And before she knew it, the Doctor was running off again.

Yaz stood there smiling, watching the Doctor try to persuade the owner of the stall until she realises the two boys beside her were being very quiet. She turns and catches Ryan grinning at her and Graham looking smug with his arms crossed. When they notice they’d been caught they wipe the looks off their faces quick. 

“How much did you two see?” She checks. 

“Literally nothing.” Graham lifts his arms in the air as if her were surrendering.

“We were too scared to look.” Ryan adds.

“It won’t happen again.” Yaz tells them. Looking back at it, she realises she only really did it in the of the heat of the moment, and if she had properly thought it through she would have been completely against doing it. It was kind of embarrassing for her.

“Uh, guys!” The Doctor’s voice shouts from about ten meters away. 

All three of them look over to see the Doctor getting pushed away from the apple bobbing barrel by a gang of very angry looking men. 

“Here we go again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 13 is a hopeless romantic, you can't change my mind
> 
> also I still don't know what proofreading is, I don't know her


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my 'fun fic' which basically means a fic I planned out really well for the first half and then I do whatever the fuck I want and post it no matter how shit it is for the second half because I'm enjoying myself lmao.i thought I'd kill it off before I keep repeating the same formula because that's boring and not fun. But for real thanks for all your supportive comments/kudos/etc they mean a lot to me. I have another thing planned which ironically was inspired by one of these chapters, you'll see soon I guess.  
> Anyway I'm going to go re read this whole thing and fix all the spelling mistakes now byeee

Reality. It’s a weird thing, reality. You think you know something; how your life is expected to be lived or how the world works but then something or someone will come along and throw human expectations of reality out the window. For Yaz, her reality had completely shifted in the last year. What she knew, or what she thought she knew was gone and had been replaced by wonders she never could have imagined. She loved and kind of missed her job back on Earth and her family but it could not compare to what the Doctor was showing and teaching her. According to the Doctor, there was still so much more of the universe to explore. She was happy to go wherever. The boys were usually happy to go wherever.

But not today.

Yaz had walked into the control room and subsequently walked into chaos. No, more like a heated argument on the brink of chaos. The Doctor was standing defensively around her machine opposite Graham and Ryan with her arms moving on every syllable she speaks. 

“Why not?!” Ryan says. “You said we could go anywhere in space  _ and _ time.”

“I told you earlier, I’m not going back there again.” 

“What’s going on?” Yaz says. She hears herself slip into her work voice and makes a note to not do that next time she speaks.

“I said it would be cool to go and see how the world ends, you know, because everyone thinks its global warming or nukes or politicians-” Graham explains but the Doctor cuts in.

“So I told you it happens naturally, the sun expands and roasts the Earth, humans are spread across the universe, end of story.”

“So where’s the problem?” Yaz asks.

“She says she’s got a thing against taking us humans to see it first hand.” Graham says.

“Because there’s nowhere safe to take you and view it from!”

“She’s lying, she said there’s a viewing station.” Ryan calls out the Doctor. 

“You want the truth? We can’t go onto the station because I’m already there. We can’t go anywhere near the world burning up incase I run into myself.”

“Not even from the TARDIS?” Yaz asks.

“No.” The Doctor shakes her head firmly. 

“Not even if I told you I wanted to go?” Yaz asks a follow up question. 

It would be cool, seeing the sun expand. Yaz liked the idea. Being able to see the end of the planet and then return to their own time and see the sun still stable in the sky would be something she remembers forever. The Doctor however, evidently was not here for the idea. She was staring at Yaz, listing up the benefits and drawbacks. She looked a little bit angry.

“Yaz, help me extend the heat shields.” The Doctor says turning away and searching for her welding helmet.

“Does that mean we’re going?” Ryan asks excitedly. The Doctor stays quiet and Yaz doesn’t feel like it’s her place to either confirm or deny. 

“I’ll talk to her.” Yaz whispers to Ryan. Ryan then signals to his granddad to quietly make their way out the room.

Yaz approaches the Doctor carefully. She had just got out a whole selection of tools and was silently getting to work, not even throwing Yaz a look. That’s how she knew. It wasn’t hard to work out considering that from the sound of it the Doctor very rarely travelled without someone at her side. 

“You’re not alone on that station, are you?” Yaz says as she reaches the Doctor, who was just about to get on the floor to reach under the main panel. 

“How did you know that?” They Doctor asks, wide eyed like a cat caught in the treat cupboard. 

“I know you. It’s all over your face, they were special to you.”

“Stop.” The Doctor raises her hand. “Please.”

She gets down onto her back and pulls her face cover down. Sparks fly as she starts to meddle with the mechanics. Yaz gets down and sits by the Doctor’s feet, which were far enough away from the flakes of orange to be safe. 

“I can always tell them we broke the heat shields if you really don’t want us to go.” Yaz suggests.

“What?” The Doctor shouts, lifting up her helmet again.

“I said I don’t mind lying and saying we can’t go if you really don’t want to.”

The Doctor sits up, only narrowly avoiding hitting her head. She drops her tool, removes the helmet and extends her hand.

“Come here.” She says. Yaz takes her hand and gets pulled into the Doctor’s lap without even being given the chance to shuffle there herself. The Doctor cradles Yaz’s face and Yaz hopes she can’t hear her heart thumping against her ribs. “I’m going to take you and Ryan and Graham and we’re going to stand in that doorway and watch the world burn. I want to.”

“You’re sure? You’ve completely changed your mind in the span of five minutes.” 

“Yes.” The Doctor brings her closer for a hug. 

“And you’re not just doing this to hide your face?” Yaz checks. 

“Oi, I was looking you in the eye when I said it.” 

The Doctor moves her head and Yaz can feel her smiling against her neck. Yaz, not wanting the Doctor to move at all, pushes her blonde hair behind her ear. She also traces along the side of the Doctor’s ear brushing against her piercing. Yaz doesn’t know where she got it. It certainly wasn’t in the charity shop but somehow it had appeared in her ear. Or maybe it was and Yaz had simply missed her picking it up. 

“He’ll be down there. Angry. Trying to prove a point to her.” The Doctor says, pulling her head back. “And I’ll be here. With you.” She smiles but Yaz gets the feeling that it was forced. 

“You don’t have to smile for me.” 

“Good, my face was starting to hurt.” The Doctor grabs her welding mask and puts it back on her head. “Pass me the- actually you won’t know what that is.”

“Do you really need my help?” Yaz asks. The Doctor bites her lip.

“No, but I want your company.” She says. Yaz couldn’t keep sitting there with the Doctor sitting like that without leaning for a quick peck on the lips. “Get off me so I can get us all there.” The Doctor says laying back on to the floor right as Yaz was going to reach her lips. “Oh right, sorry, social cues, still not there.” 

The Doctor flings herself back up and gives Yaz the kiss she wanted. Satisfied, Yaz gets up and watches the Doctor do what she does best. It was always inspiring to watch her get hands on with science and engineering, like the Doctor was the poster child for the government's female STEM initiative. The Doctor could come across as clumsy most times but she was actually incredibly smart and capable. 

“Are you going to be okay seeing it?” The Doctor asks, patching up the panel cover when she was done making adjustments.

“Huh?” 

“You know, the Earth burning up. It’s just some people go funny and it is your home planet.” 

“Why have we never gone to your home planet?” Yaz asks without thinking.

“War.” Is all the Doctor said after a momentary pause. Yaz doesn’t go further, not now. It would explain why she had a thing about guns, though. “Right. That should be done now. Off we go!”

The Doctor jumps up and pulls the lever before Yaz had a chance to grab onto anything to steady herself. Hopefully Graham and Ryan had been sitting down otherwise they certainly would have been flung across whatever room they were in. The journey was far shorter than Yaz thought it would be, bringing her back to her thoughts on reality. Earth was only really a grain of sand in the timeline of the universe. The TARDIS grows still and Yaz permanently fixes her footing. The Doctor walks over to the doors and Yaz follows. They open a door each and see the Earth; run down and abandoned but still there.  

“It’s beautiful, right?” The Doctor grins. “Earth always is.”

“Truly.” Yaz says.

"Like you."

She looks up at the Doctor expecting her to be looking at her, but instead Yaz saw her eyes not looking at the planet before them or herself but off to the side and down slightly. Yaz follows her line of sight. She sees what looked like a small metallic cross floating quite a while away. 

“Is that the station?” Yaz asks for clarification.

“Yeah. They’re down there.” The Doctor exhales strongly like she had been holding her breath.

“And you’re up here. Like you said.” Yaz reminds her. The Doctor smiles gently and rests her hand on the small of Yaz’s back.

Yaz keeps her eyes locked on her planet. Seeing pictures in textbooks and online was nothing compared to seeing the real thing from up high. These are the moments where Yaz understands and feels connected to the Doctor more than ever. The Doctor had been seeing this kind of stuff her whole life and yet still experiences that same buzz Yaz is feeling right now. 

“Please, Doctor, figure out how the hell to get this thing to fly straight.” Graham complains, coming up behind them. 

“I will turn this ship around, granddad.” The Doctor threatens, shutting down whatever bubble of bliss the two of them were in before now.

“You’re older than me.” 

“Oh my God, is that the Earth? Our Earth?” Ryan interrupts their bickering. The Doctor steps back, allowing Ryan through. 

“Graham.” Yaz steps back allowing Graham to have a proper look. 

“That’s amazing.” Ryan sighs. 

“You guys sit down, we’ll stand behind.” The Doctor speaks for both of them. 

“Don’t we need sunglasses if it’s going to expand?” Graham asks.

“TARDIS has that sorted. Don’t worry, your retinas won’t burn.” The Doctor checks the time by inhaling again. “Should be any minute now. Is everyone sure they want to see this?” She checks. 

“Yes.”

“Yeah.”

“For sure.”

“Good.” 

All four of them, the weird and impossible found family, watch the Earth in her final moments. Yaz doesn’t know if she would appreciate this moment as much if she didn’t know what was going to happen next.

“Doc, when I’m dead and gone-”

“Graham!” Ryan shows his disliking of the idea of him dying.

“No, son, listen.” Graham looks over his shoulder to look at the Doctor. “Doc, when I die make sure my body is down there. Promise me.”

“And me.” Ryan adds.

“You have my word.” The Doctor says solemnly. She looks at Yaz. “And you?”

Yaz stops to think. Down on that rock she called home right now were the bodies of her entire family. Her mum, dad, sister, her sister’s children and their children if she ever settled down. All of them. Yaz doesn’t know what exactly she wants to be done with her body after she dies. However, she does know one thing.

“I want to be with you.” Yaz says. Ryan pretends to vomit. “I swear I will kick you out of this box.” 

“Sorry!” He apologises. 

Yaz turns her attention back to the Doctor. “I want to be where you are but if you think I’m better off down there that’s fine with me. It’s only a body, right?” The Doctor, for the first time ever, looked like she was lost for words. 

“It’s starting.” Graham informs them, leaving no time for the Doctor to respond. 

To see what was usually depicted as a green and blue get engulfed by fire hit Yaz harder than she was expecting. It was kind of a lonely sight. The poor planet had been abused and then abandoned by its abusers right before its death with only onlookers from foreign worlds to witness her going. But somehow, it was still beautiful. Yaz has to remind herself to keep breathing as she watched. It was like she was starting to float in disbelief that she was actually witnessing this. She only gets fully grounded again when the Doctor’s fingers intertwine with hers resting at her side and squeezes. They watch and watch the flames dance until they die down and the boys decide they’ve seen enough and leave. It was fair enough; it had been around two hours. It was now the Doctor and Yaz left, and they decide to sit down with their legs dangling out into space with their hands still interlocked. 

“Alright?” The Doctor asks. 

“Think so. You?” 

“It’s strange seeing it twice.” 

“Do you want to stop looking?” Yaz asks. The Doctor peers over her shoulders checking they were alone. 

“Nah. I like it when it’s only us.” 

“Me too.” Yaz smiles.

The Doctor rests her head on Yaz’s shoulder and they watch the sun set for the final time. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also you all know this whole fic is basically a nine/rose parallel right? R I G H T ?


End file.
